As I sit here tonight, I feel myself fighting sleep...part of me thinks that if I don't fall asleep, I can change what happened two years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was did a hospital run at work that night with a student, and I crawled into my bed in the wee hours of the 25th. I was looking forward to sleeping in and just enjoying a lazy. Little did I know when I crawled into bed that morning, that I would be awoke by Mom just a few hours later telling me that you were on your way to LGH and that you were in a live burn. Part of me thought you were just burned, but there was a part of me that said to myself, my brother could die today. I don't think I really thought that could happen, but it was something we knew every time you went on a call.
Life was normal this time two years ago. You were still here. Aunt Jackie was still here. Now two years later we are missing two huge pieces of our family unit. Most days I am still in denial that you are gone. I don't want to believe it. How is it possible? I mean Keith this year you would have been 40, so fucking young. I came to the realization tonight that at some point in my life it is highly probable that I will be alive more years without you than I was with you here. That is just not fucking fair. I still do not understand why you are gone. That is part of the reason I do not write as often as I once did. It is not that I miss you any less, I just do not want to believe it and can't understand it. If I push it under the rug maybe it won't be real.
Every time I go back to Lancaster, I hope and pray that it is the time, I get to see you again. No matter how many times I have been there in the last two years, never fail I look for you. I just want to see you walk through the door with some smart ass comment and that chuckle of yours. I still have a hard time believing that will never happen again. I'm not even 30 and I've already buried a brother. I visit your gravesite instead of your house. I write in a blog rather than text you.
When I was home last, a fire truck passed us and Mom thought it was LTFD and I froze. I have not been at home to have a LTFD truck pass me. It would have been the first time since you passed away that one of your trucks would pass me on a call. Luckily it wasn't LTFD, because I would have broke down right there. My every day life is not different. I do not live in Lancaster, so those things aren't something that I experience. It is harder because it is like I have to face this horrible reality every time I go home. I have to relive it.
I will never forget hearing those words on the phone. "He didn't make it..." Those words change my world forever. I just try to forget, in hope that you'll come back. I know that isn't really possible, but I still wish for it. It is so hard to come to grasp with the fact that my big brother who I thought was indestructible, is gone. You were so untouchable. I looked up to you in a way I don't think you ever knew. I admired what you did. I was always so nervous around you because I wanted to impress you and make you proud. I wanted you to say that's my little sister.
I miss you so much Keith. The whole family does. We have had a hell of year, and each of us has wished you were there at your post of oldest sibling. I hope you are taking care of Aunt Jackie, and making sure she is relaxing. I love you Keith Gregory!
Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki
