Last Day of the Last Year You Were Here

Dear Keith,

I have been dreading this day for over three months. It was actually one of the first thoughts I had, I didn't want it to turn to 2012, because I didn't want to enter into a year without you. You see today is the last day of the last year that your physical presence was here on earth. Don't get me wrong, I know you are still here, I know that you are with me every day, but it is different. It has been hard enough to wake up each day and know that the day is not September 25, 2011, and the phone won't ring with the word that they were able to save you.

Our lives are forever changed, and tonight makes me truly fell that. In less than 11 hours, millions of people on the east coast will ring in this new year with booze, kisses and celebration. I will ring it in trying to remain positive, because I know you would want it that way, but with sadness in my heart. I don't want to enter into 2012, which is odd because I had been looking forward to it for so long. I graduate in 2012, my life begins in 2012 with my new job that will come after I graduate in May. Never did I think I would ring in this year with the sadness that fills me.

Everyone is dealing with your loss differently and it is so difficult for us all. I went for a visit to see your headstone again with Aunt Jackie today. It truly is beautiful, but I really wish it wasn't there, and instead you were here. Keith Gregory I miss you and this is not fair. I will not let this define me and not let this define our family. We will figure out a way to carry on, because that is what you want, I know it is what you want. I know you would not want your death to be the end of any of us. I really worry at times, because like I said we are dealing with it differently, but I just hope we will all find peace.

Peace...seems weird to say that we will find peace in any of this. Because peace means calm and peace means being okay with this. I am not okay with the fact that you are gone so soon. I mean you were older than me, so I figured one day I would probably be in this place, but never did I think in my 20s I would be doing this. I will spend the new few decades visiting a cemetery not visiting you or calling you. I will find a way to figure this all out and what life means. I know there are going to be difficult days.

I know you probably don't want us crying and being sad, but you just have to realize that well it is going to happen. This is hard as hell. I know I didn't tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, but I hope and pray that you knew. I hope you know that you were the big brother I have always looked up to and admired...both you and Chris were the guys I looked up to. I didn't have dad to look up to, I had my big brothers. And you two are as different as night and day, except when it comes to family. Family means everything, and you both would do whatever you had to do for family.

I know that we were always stubborn, every last one of us. I know that we yelled, and I know that we butted heads. But at the end of the day you were my big brother and I was your little sister, and nothing and no one was going to change that. Hell they aren't changing that now either. I am going to grieve, mourn and miss you, most of all I am going to continue to love you. You are still here I know that, but do me a favor...show me a little more. The last time I truly felt connected to you was the day I felt your hand on my shoulder. I need to feel your presence from time to time.

I miss you every day Keith, and it hurts and I am sad. But above all I am making sure to keep a positive memory of you alive. I don't care about the fights or the yelling, I care about the love and caring. It's my turn to take care of you, all I ask in return is for you to watch over not only me but our family, we need your guidance. I love you big brother, rest easy and toast in the New Year up there with your dad, Nanny, Pop Pop and Pookie, but also throw a bone to Mack and Yukon. Find peace, we are going to be alright, because we have the best guardian angel there is...YOU!

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

This makes it feel real...

Dear Keith,

I heard the other day that your headstone was in, and this morning I went over to see it. This makes it so much more real. I still struggle daily that this is real life, and that you are really gone, but this makes it so much more real. Your name is on that stone, how can it be? The stone looks good though Keith, really good. I like that your bunker is on the back, that is so fitting. I know that you are still with us but I just wish you were here physically. I miss you so much.

I am trying really hard to keep us all together. I felt you with us on Christmas day, and it was a good one. It felt like how Christmas used to be. We really appreciated time spent with family, it wasn't about the gifts, we opened them one by one and all appreciated each and every gift. We took time to see what everyone got. My gift was one of the first gifts opened, I got a camera Keith. I am going to try to fill that aspect of you. I took pics Christmas morning, but I am no where near your level yet. I am going to try.

We also played a game I got for Christmas called The Logo Game, and Keith we laughed so hard to were crying. There was a mix of tears and sadness, and laughter and joy. We couldn't have went through the day without a few tears, because we miss you so much. There is a huge hole in our lives. I felt you with us during that game, and I had a pang of sadness because I just wanted to hear your belly laugh, because boy were we laughing.

We started a guess what will be a new tradition, we went over to the cemetery. Well actually to two, went came to visit you first, and then over to Nan's grave. We wanted to make sure you got your stocking. So we brought it along and we emptied out the contents. I mean we didn't fill it with what you normally got, I didn't think you needed any body wash or deodorant. Your stocking had snuff, tea, cookies and of course your apple and orange. Your headstone wasn't up yet, it went up shortly after Christmas. Oh and we put a wreath on, because Christmas was your favorite holiday. I promise now that your headstone is up, I will decorate for Christmas next year, and I will go all out. There will be lights and a wreath.

I am trying to make sure I keep your memory alive Keith Gregory. I am making sure to do what I can, and carry on your memory. I hope more than anything that I make you proud. I am trying really hard, and I know that I am not yet fully dealing with this, but I will take the time, I promise. I needed to make sure we made it through the holidays, I needed to make sure you being gone didn't rip apart the family. I knew that we needed to have Christmas and we needed to do it right. I love you Keith, and I miss you every single day.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

In your memory

Dear Keith,

I haven't written in awhile...I don't use the computer much while home...but I will soon. But I wanted to share my tattoo I got last week in your memory. heather and I went together, to the shop and artist you went to for your last tattoo. It is awesome! After much dilberation heather and I ended up with matching tats on on our right foot. Oh the detail is awesome...I still wish you were here. I'll try to write soon about Christmas. I miss you big brother...a lot.

Love Always,
Nikki

Still doesn't feel real

Keith-

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone as much as I miss you. Especially considering we were never that close. We were brother and sister, but we were not the first person we called when we had news to share. heather and I are those people to each other, and I think that is because we are so close in age.

For me you were the male figure I looked up to. I didn't have my dad to look up to, I had you. You were that hero I looked up. Even over there in that pic, that is probably our first pic ever together, I was four days old and I am just looking up to you. I miss you. I actually miss you picking on me. How crazy is that? I miss the razzing you used to dish out.

Things just aren't the same without you. I know we will have to learn how to live without you, but I just don't want to Keith. I know I have no option, but I am still just in shock I think. These next few weeks are going to be really difficult, so watch over us as we learn the holidays without you. This is going to be so difficult. Damn it this is not fair!

Love Always,

Nikki

The fire truck with Santa seemed empty

Keith-

Tonight in the dining hall some students were talking about how Santa came to visit on the fire truck, and it didn't hit me...not until we walked outside and right in front of me was a fire truck decked out in lights with a Santa on top waving at me. I literally stopped in my track and just broke down in tears.

Christmas was one of your favorite times of the year. I remember looking for those lights that are on your helmet in the picture over there. You got excited over silly shit like that. And I loved it.

I used to look forward to Santa with the fire truck when I was a kid, who knew that one day it would make me bawl like a baby. I miss you, and most days this doesn't seem real. I still feel like you are going to be there for Christmas...I caught myself thinking about what I would buy you for Christmas.

It hurts every day. I still ask why. I don't understand. I wish there was an answer. I wish there was some reason. I wish I knew. We all miss you so much. Christmas just isn't the same. Someone starting playing Christmas music last night and I just couldn't bare it. I keep thinking about the Christmas Story, your favorite Christmas movie and how I have avoided watching it for as long as I can remember. Now I feel like I want to watch the marathon on Christmas, because I feel like watching it will be like watching it with you. I miss you...life seems so different now. You made quite an impact on all of us.

Thinking of you today and always, I love you big brother.

Love Always,

Nikki

I miss you

Keith-

Plain and simple...I miss you! I know we didn't talk all the time, and I know that there were probably a good number of days when we didn't like each other. But I always loved you and I always looked up to you as not only my big brother but as my hero. You ran into burning buildings and saved people's lives. That's cool for any little girl to look up to a brother for.

You were my first male role model. I mean let's be serious, my dad was not someone I looked up to. He was gone before I even knew what was up. You though, you were my big brother who ran into burning buildings, yet who I knew loved me so much. Looking back at all these pictures of us growing up and the way you looked at all of us, you loved us so much. Family was so important to you.

Family life has not always been easy, we have all grown into stubborn adults, but family was always a priority. I get that now. People tell me how much my face has always lit up when I've talked about family. I never knew that. But apparently any time I would tell stories about our family, my face would just light up. Which is good, because I plan on telling a lot of people about you still. Your memory will live on in the stories. We all carry a piece of you.

I hope you are at peace, despite what it seems is going on here. Not everyone gets along, and I have tried...but I am just so ticked off at times. I miss you and it is my right to miss you. You were and are very important in my life. That is never going to go away. You will always be my big brother, there is nothing that will take that away. I know that you are watching over me with a guiding hand. I know that I have another angel on my side.

I miss you Keith so much and some days it hurts a lot.

Love Always,

Nikki

How is it December?

Keith-

I have been struggling a lot...it's December already. That means we have had two calendar months that you weren't here for, October and November. And this is the last month of the last year you were here with us. Soon the calendar will turn to 2012 and we will begin a calendar year without you. I don't know how to grasp this. I am struggling a lot.

I broke down last night watching a TV show when someone died. And I cried because they had the chance to say goodbye, we didn't. You left us so damn quickly. I know you are still with us, but I wish I could have told you how much I loved you, how much you meant to me, and how much I was going to miss you. You were a damn good big brother, and I'm not sure I ever told you that.

I'm really beating myself up over the fact that I never was able to get the four of us together for a picture for mom. I wanted to do that thing in the newspaper for Mother's Day. I wanted mom to have an adult picture of all of us. Now the last picture she has is from your wedding and that was 5 years ago.

I don't think I am letting myself grieve. I am trying too hard to be strong. I'm sad most days and I struggle to want to even get out of bed. I miss you so much!

I love you big brother!!

Love Always,

Nikki

Thanksgiving and the Two Month Mark

Keith-

Thanksgiving has come and gone...it was really rough. There was this tension there, like we all knew it didn't feel the same, but we didn't want to say it. You were missed very much. I went into the kitchen to taste test the dried corn and it was weird not seeing you there by the turkey, and then I said to Aunt Jackie that it seemed like there was drastically less dried corn than normal. Aunt Jackie cut the turkey, and Mom didn't have to fight you for the skin of the turkey.

There were tears in our eyes when Chris was saying grace. All of the filling had celery in it, we only had two kinds, not three. Your special dish of it was missing along with you. There were awkward moments of silence, like we didn't know what to talk about...and I was just waiting for you to interject a hilarious story. Or when we laughed, I just wanted to hear your belly laugh.

When we passed around the food, I got a piece of dark meat, I can't tell you the last time that happened. The dried corn only went to Chris, Mom and I. It just wasn't the same without you. I know you are always with us and I know you were there, but without you physically there it is freaking weird. And this is only the beginning, we have too many family meals ahead where you will be missing.

As we were waiting for the food to be ready, I walked to the front door and caught myself just looking up towards your house, secretly wishing I'd see you coming down the street with a bag full of wine and sweet tea. You didn't come walking down that street, and each time I looked it made me sad.

I think I am still in shock, because this doesn't feel real. I feel like I am going to wake up and you are going to be there. I feel like this is all just a cruel joke, I can't even begin to picture what life is like without you. I don't want a life without you, this is not fair, we were not done. Our family had many more chapters to write.

It's been 2 months, I can't believe that there have been two months since you've been here with us. I can't believe that, that number is only going to grow. I hate this so much Keith! I was looking at pictures today and man we sure made some memories, but I wanted to make more. I didn't want our story to be over. I didn't want to close this chapter...this is not fair.

Keith I miss you every day. I feel guilty for not having a closer relationship. I beat myself up every day because I didn't get that last picture of all of us kids for Mom. The last pic she has of all of her kids is from 2006 at your wedding. I miss you so much, and I just wish that Santa could bring you back in that sack of his.

I love you Keith, and you are missed by all. Rest easy big brother!

Love Always,

Nikki

Ready or not here they come

Keith-

We've been dreading this, but the holidays are upon us. First up Thanksgiving, the first without you. I don't want it to happen. I talked to heather the other night, and we both agree that there should be no one at your spot. This is going to be difficult for all of us. So please watch over us and help us through this all. We miss you so much. I love you Keith.

Nikki

Guest Appearance

Keith-

You made a guest appearance in my dream the other night. It was nice to see you and hear you. I was so afraid that I forgot what you sounded like, but I remember. You looked and sounded like you. You told me that everything was going to be okay. I am going to trust you and believe that everything will be okay. I don't know how, but I will believe it to be true.

I think I have been closed off for you to make an appearance, I don't think I was ready. I have known you are here, I just don't think I was ready to see and hear you. I know you will always be here, this is just so damn difficult Keith.

I feel so lost, empty and broken. I try so hard to carry on with my days, but it is difficult. There are days I just want to stay in bed and not care about what is going on. BUT I know you would kick my ass for that. I can't believe it has been 8 weeks. Keith 8 fucking weeks. It seems to be not so long ago, yet forever ago.

I am trying to be a better me. I want to make you proud, even if it is difficult to go about my days most days. I get to go back home in 3 days. I'm gonna make another trip over to the cemetery, I promise to stay longer this time. I need to spend some time, get some clarity. Going home in 3 days though means that Thanksgiving is right around the corner...so Keith, please watch over us, this is going to be a difficult time. We all miss you so much and we love you so much, this is difficult because of how much we love you. And I promise you that love will never change, and if it does, it will only continue to grow.

I miss you big brother...watch over us all, and show us you're watching over us.

Love Always,

Nikki

Empty, Lost, Unmotivated

Keith-

This week I don't know if it is the weather or what, but this week I am so much less motivated. I feel empty and I am utterly lost. I have tried being strong, and I have tried to carry on...I just don't know that I can. Getting out of bed is a task every morning. My life feels so different knowing you are gone.

All this drama too is not helping, I feel like the family is going to be ripped apart eventually. So as always please watch over us, keep us safe, keep us together. I've learned that family is everything, and with you missing, I feel like empty. This just isn't fair.

There are people out there who have hurt children for years and got away with it and get to continue to live, yet you who helped so many is gone. This is just not fair. I'm angry and lost.

I love you and I miss you so damn much.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Trying to keep your memory positive

Keith-

For most of my life, the one thing I knew about you, was that you were a firefighter. You loved what you did. I can remember you making comments about not graduating when we all talk about our graduations, but I hope you know that what you did mattered. You were successful, you were skilled, you were respected, you were loved. You were such a humble man and all of the honors you keep getting, you are probably up there going "guys I didn't do what I did for this."

Well tough shit big brother, you mattered and we are only honoring you in the way that your service should be honored. This is really difficult on all of us. There isn't a specific path we are supposed to travel with this, this is new territory. Everyone is taking this hard, it just doesn't make sense. Seeing men cry in the way that they are, just shows me how much you meant to all of these guys.

I am doing everything I can to keep your memory positive. I do not want negative stuff surrounding your memory. I don't want us to have ill thoughts, I want us to celebrate and remember your life. You meant a lot to us. I know I didn't tell you nearly enough, but you meant a lot to me Keith. More than I think I could ever express, we were never really the lovey dovey type. The last time I can remember hugging you was Christmas two years ago.

This is so difficult. I'm trying to be strong, but there are days I just want to curl up in bed and just cry. I want to stay in bed because maybe if I sleep enough, I'll wake up and this will all be a nightmare. I'll wake up to you being here on earth.

Some people are having a really hard time coming to grasp with the fact that you are really gone. So I ask for you to watch over them. Spend extra time with them and guide them down a positive path. Make sure that nothing negative happens because of this. Make sure that we keep your memory positive. I don't want your passing to be the reason anyone does anything they will regret. I am trying to be the fixer and keep things together. I am trying really hard. I am trying to be strong.

I am not good at asking for help, but spend some time with me too. I need your guiding hand to stay strong. I need you more than I ever knew I did. I need your presence in my life. I won't have the physical presence, but I need to know you are still here with me. I am one of the people some days that am having issues coming to grasp with this.

It is hard for me because I only face reality here in Lancaster. It doesn't feel real in Jersey, it feels like I'm living in a haze there. I still feel empty every day. There will always be a place in my life for you, and I promise to carry your memory on. I tell everyone who will listen about you. You were an amazing man, and I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you that. A regret I will have to live with, but I hope you know now. I have to believe that you do.

I love you so much Keith, and I will always love you. You will always be my big brother, and you will always be important. There is no forgetting you, your memory will live on, I promise you this. Rest easy big brother, I hope you are finding peace.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Today was difficult

Keith-

Today was so difficult. Being home in Lancaster is so difficult. It is so much more real here. And people want to talk about you here, which something I don't have back in Jersey. People will listen, but it is different to have a conversation. When I am around people that knew you, it is conversation, we both talk about you. It's not just me telling them about you.

I have to get used to telling people about you, one day I will need to really sit down and tell my future husband about you and my future children about their Uncle Keith. But it is different then just telling my friends about you. I do, and I talk about you all the time. I just like being able to talk to people who knew you. I like telling stories, but I also like hearing stories.

It is hard though talking about you sometimes, and sometimes people want to talk about that day and the week honoring you. Those are the difficult times to talk about, because it is then that the world changed for me. It is so hard to believe it was seven weeks ago today I got that phone call. That day is such a blur yet the memory is burned into my mind. That is an oxymoron, I know...but it is how it is. The blur is just the time part I think. But I remember getting the phone calls, I remember being in bed when I got them. I remember the events that happened until I was able to get on a train home. I remember getting on the wrong train because my ticket said 4:something and there was a train in front of me, so I got on. I ended up on a train going to Washington rather than a train to Lancaster. I remember it all. I remember the hugs from Chris, heather, Mom, Aunt Jackie. I remember talking with Chris and heather in the backyard. It is just hard to talk about it all over again.

Those are not the memories I want to focus on. I want to focus on the way you laughed so hard, or the times we tickled Chris so much we thought he would pee his pants. I want to remember the day you brought my fish to class and saved the day. I want to memories of you alive, so that I can keep you alive in my heart. I will forever remember the celebration of your life and the impact you had on this community. You were a humble man, and you would have told everyone to stop making such a fuss. But Keith, you earned that fuss. Every last person who showed their respects, wanted to be there for you. They wanted to thank you for your service. Some people didn't even know you, but they were impacted by your service.

Do you know how many children you taught about fire safety with the smoke house? Those children remember heroes like you. Or how many people you helped in your over 2o years of service with the fire dept? You mattered Keith. You mattered to a lot of people, and there was so much love. I will forever remember walking behind your casket out the door of the funeral home and seeing the sea of people saluting you. That moment took my breath away. You mattered Keith.

Visiting you over in the cemetery was difficult today. It also makes it so real. I remember that day when I go over. And just the line of cars. The sea of people. The flag draped over your casket. I can't believe that when I want to visit you that is where I have to go. I can't see you anymore. I can't hear you anymore. This is so damn hard Keith. So damn hard. I wish I was home more, so that I could visit more, and so that I could talk with people who loved you more.

Keith watch over us all, the coming weeks are going to be some of the most difficult. We have the holidays coming, those are going to be tough on all of us. We will laugh, we will cry, but most of all we will remember you. You are forever a part of this family. Your memory will stay alive with us through our unending love for you.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

Home isn't the same...

Keith-

I'm sitting at home, and even though we've never lived together in this house...it's just not the same. When I am home, it is more real than ever that you are really gone. It is still hard to say those words, but here in Lancaster it is like I cannot escape the truth. This really sucks, I don't like this reality. This is not the way it is supposed to be.

I sit in the living room and I see your flag, and your pictures and the memories flood back to the worst week of my life. You will never be forgotten and I hope you know that. You will forever live in each of us. There is no forgetting, I still have two brothers and a sister. I may never be able to hear your voice again, or see your smirk, but you will forever be my big brother...nothing and no one will ever change that.

I cried tonight watching the video they showed at the banquet last week. That too today made it more real than ever. Seeing it all again, hearing the announcement again, and your last call. Mom and I talked about you tonight too. We will always talk about you, because we will always miss you. I am really going to miss you picking on me at the holiday dinner table.

Oh Keith, this is not fair. I say it time and time again, and I mean it every time. You are so missed. This is not the way things were supposed to happen. You were not supposed to be gone this soon. I still ask why, and I still battle with the anger, because I don't understand. There are criminals running around, there are people who do horrible things who are still breathing, why did they take my big brother...who may have gotten into trouble from time to time, but who was the type of guy who would give the shirt off his back to a person in need. You were one of the most giving people I have ever known, and I am so proud that you were and are my big brother.

I love and miss you Keith Gregory.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Coming Home

Keith-

So I will be in Lancaster in less than 12 hours, and I am looking forward to it, yet dreading it at the same time. You see here in Jersey, it doesn't seem real. It seems like a bad dream. When I come home, it is real again. You are really gone. I just can't seem to grasp that yet. I know I say the same thing over and over again. I just don't understand. I don't know that I ever will understand.

I know when I go home I am going to look down your street when I am over at Aunt Jackie's. I know I am going to look for your truck. I know when I pass Alley Kat I am going to look to see if you are there. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that those things aren't possible ever again.

This just seems surreal. People always say that one day can change your life. Little did I know that Sept 25, 2011 would forever change my world. And change my world in ways I never realized possible. My life will never be the same. It doesn't seem possible that a single day just a few short months ago could change my life. I wish I could go back to Sept 24th, and knew to tell you I loved you. I can't believe the last time I saw you was in August. I missed a whole month of your life, and the last month. I never thought the life changing day would happen this soon.

I miss you Keith. I think of you often. I try to go about my days with a smile on my face and just living out each moment. There are days when it is really impossible to get out of bed. Or nights when I stay up crying. I still feel this emptiness and I don't think it will ever go away.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

the day I spent living your passion

Keith-

Today is more of a memory type of day. I have said over and over my feelings...and right now I am too tired to feel. Today I am remember a time when I volunteer to be a victim in an exercise. It was at Park City, and I volunteered partly because I was like maybe I could meet me a hot fireman, but mainly because it meant I got to spent time with you and see you do what you did best.

It may have only been one time, and you may never of thought twice about it. But I have looked back at that and cherish that day. I got to be a part of your life, part of what you did and loved. Those are the type of memories that are keeping you alive in us. You'll forever be with us.

I'm grateful for all of the memories I have of you, and trying to focus on that and not get pissed off at the memories I was robbed of. I love you Keith, I always have and I always will. I may not have liked you all the time, but I hope you know that there was not a day of my life that I didn't love you. Nor was there a day in my life that you were not my hero.

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

Keith-

Today...well yesterday technically, but I haven't slept yet, so I feel it to be today...was the church's All Saints service. I wish I could have been there, to hear the bell rung for you. To remember you. I'm still waiting for you to just tell me this was a big cruel joke and that you aren't really gone. You are really gone...I can't seem to grasp that.

My heart aches so much when it hits me that you are really gone. Thanksgiving is getting closer...and you aren't going to be there. This isn't ever going to be easy. I know life must go on, and I know that I must live my life to the fullest, and I want to make you proud of me. I just don't know how that is supposed to happen.

I plan on spending some time at the cemetery when I come home next weekend. I need to spend some time there and just remember and think. I need your guidance. I need to know how to move forward. It just doesn't seem possible. We are all talking about Christmas and how that is supposed to happen. I have no Christmas spirit, my only Christmas wish isn't able to be fulfilled. Santa can't throw you in a bag and bring you back.

I'm not sure what I believe in the super natural. I struggle with it, because for a long time I just chose not to think about it, because then it wasn't real. I never paid much attention to things. Part of me wants to believe in it, and part of me doesn't. But the more I think about it, I sort of do believe in it. I feel like you knew I needed someone in my life to rely on because I was an utter mess that week at home. And I still believe that it was your guiding hand that brought my love back to me, and gave us hope of a future. I felt it again today. Today being the All Saint Remembrance, you made sure that I got to talk to him for a good hunk of the day. You knew what I needed to make it through the day.

For now that is all I can really grasp as far as the supernatural. I still think I see you in the sky when I see a beautiful sunrise, sunset, or cloud. I see you in the brightest star in the sky. I feel you, I believe you are with me. I just don't know how much more than that I can grasp. Hell until seven weeks ago, I wasn't sure what I believed in the afterlife. Now I have to believe it is truly there. I need to know you are some place, where you are happy and watching over us. You were always watching over us, you just have a different view.

This is all so damn difficult. I wish there were answers. I have always been one to figure out why for things, and I can't even begin to understand this. I miss you, so much. I wish we could go back and just be closer. I wish we knew that we had limited time. I wish more than anything, that you were still here. Still here to be a pain in the ass and poke fun at me.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

is this real life?

Keith-

I wish the picture to the left was real life. I wish it wasn't just a picture. I wish you were checking an updated score on your phone while at a fire or checking anything on your phone.

Grasping reality is difficult. I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces and continue forward. But it's difficult, so difficult!

It's just not fair. I don't understand, I still don't. I didn't know I could miss you like this. There is this huge empty place in my life now. I am trying so damn hard to keep it together, but I can't do it every day.

You are so missed Keith! I hope you knew how loved you were before you left us. I hope you knew how much you meant to so many people. Watch over us all, and keep us safe...just like you did while you were here.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Full calendar month without you

Keith-

So it's November...which means we have lived an entire calendar month without you, October 2011 was the first month of the year without a day with you in it. It doesn't seem to have sunk in yet.

I am hitting the anger stage. First and foremost I am angry that you are gone, and still question on a daily basis why. But I am angry that we didn't get to do things together. I don't have nearly as many memories with you that I wish we'd of had.

I am trying to hold onto the memories I do have. The times as adults that we could just shoot the shit. Like when you came home from Jamaica two summers ago, and I was staying at your house to watch Bear. Your plane came in late, so instead of going home that night I spent the night on the couch and you took me home the next morning. I remember that for a little bit we were downstairs and just talking before you went up to bed. And hell that was the first time in a long ass time we spent the night in the same house. I can't remember the last Christmas that all four kids slept in the house.

I'm angry that we don't have more times like that. I'm angry that we were all robbed of many years together. This is just not fair. You were supposed to make it past 38 years old. I always gave you shit about being old, and I remember saying recently that you were inching closer to 40. I wanted to give you a hard time when you turned 40. It's one of the pleasures I get being younger. We would have never been the same decade. I'll be 29 when you should be 40.

As we are getting closer and closer to Thanksgiving, I am getting more and more anxious. I don't know what it is going to be like. Over the years there have been family meals that you have missed because of work, so it is not like it will be the first Thanksgiving ever that you are not there. But it will be the first one that you are gone. So how is it going to feel? What is it going to be like? I mean I know you will be there in spirit because you are forever a piece of all of us who will be sitting at that table.

No one can sit in your spot, I won't allow it. I don't care how silly it may look that there is a complete end of the table that no one is sitting at. I know as the years go on, your spot will need to be taken, because as heather and I begin to bring someone home there are going to be more people at the table. This year I think Anne will be there, I'm so glad you were able to meet her this summer. I know that will have a lot of meaning for Chris. I think Chris found his person, and I'm so happy for him. And so happy that you were able to meet her. I'm still sad that you will never meet the guy I bring home. I've never introduced any guy to the family, I was waiting and now he won't get a chance to meet everyone.

I still can't grasp that there are going to be many months without you in them. I miss you so much more than I ever thought possible. I still feel empty. Every time I look up at the night sky and see a bright star, I know you are with me.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Party Hard

Keith-

Today is hard for some people in the family, 10 years ago today your dad passed away and now your loss is so fresh. It is a tough night, watch over those people tonight. We all just miss you so much. Party hard up there with Marty, celebrate with him. Watch all the Halloween pranks people are pulling from up there.

This all it just too damn weird to grasp. I'm going home in a couple weeks, I promise to stop by the grave site...how weird to say that. Not your house, not dinner plans at a restaurant, nope the grave site. Maybe I'll come up with something cooler to call that, I don't like the way grave site sounds and I hate the word cemetery. I know you are with me all the time, but I just want to go over there and just remember.

Have a beer with your dad and just party hard. But don't forget to watch over those who love you down here. We love you so much and miss you more than words can ever begin to express.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Short note

Keith-

So are you fucking with us? Snow in October? I know how you like pranks! Anyhow I wore your old winter coat yesterday in our October Snow Storm and thought of you. It's the little things that remind me of you. It still doesn't feel real.

I miss you big brother!

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

everything reminds me of you

Keith-

So the tiniest things remind me of you. Part of me thinks it is you showing me that you are still here. I may not be able to see you, but you are here. Other parts of me think it is just me missing you. Last night my coworker and I were on our way off campus for a hospital run for a student, and we couldn't get off campus. There was a vehicle entrapment right off campus, there were 15 pieces of equipment...it looked pretty bad. Both lanes were closed off and we weren't able to go to the hospital. It reminded me of you. I see lights and engines and I think that maybe just maybe you are there. Silly I know, why in the world would you be in New Jersey at a vehicle entrapment at 4am. As you liked to tell me New Jersey is the armpit of America. I just hold my breath hoping that you will appear on the scene and I will be like wow that's weird, and damn did I have the worst nightmare ever.

This doesn't seem real Keith, it doesn't seem real at all. It has been a little over a month and it just doesn't feel real. I do not know when it will ever feel real. Will the hurt ever go away? Will things every feel normal? The holidays are literally right around the corner, and I just don't know how to do it. I don't know what it is going to be like. There is going to be this huge void. You are missing from our lives. There is not a single soul who can replace you.

You were an amazing man. I may not have fully seen it when you were here with us. And I regret not knowing you in that way while you were here. You were my pain in the butt big brother who liked to poke fun at me. You teased me like no other, and challenged me on everything. I get it that you teased because you loved and you challenged me because you wanted me to be the best me I could be. You weren't settling for me just being okay, I had to be good or better.

Keith, I miss you so freaking much. Some days it hurts a lot, hell most days it hurts a lot. I try to fill my time doing just about anything to help pass the time. Yet I am forgetful at times too. I try to watch movies or read books because I can escape into that world for a little while.

I hate this feeling of missing you. I enjoy seeing you in my life through other things. I won't forget you, don't you worry. You will forever be a part of who I am. You will always be my big brother. I will always tell people about you. I still have three siblings, you, Chris and heather. I will always answer that question to, yes I have two brothers and a sister. My brother Keith was an amazing man, who left us entirely too soon, my brother Chris who too is an amazing man, who is loving and giving, and my sister heather, who is going to change this world. That is how I am going to answer if I have any siblings. You are not forgotten, you will never be forgotten.

I love you Keith, you have taught me so much about life. Both while you were here with us, and even now. I am learning every day. Lately I have been learning patience and just that calmness that you had at times. You just sat back and watched us heat up and argue. Both you and heather, didn't get into it all the time. I am learning to just sit back and try to not let it blow up. Believe me there are some blow-ups I am just holding back on. There is one that I just want to let loose, and I hate to admit it but some day it will come out, but for now I am calm.

Wish you were still here. Wish I could not feel this emptiness. I wish more than anything that come Thanksgiving you will be in Aunt Jackie's kitchen, carving the turkey up. I know you won't be there, and I am still puzzled at who that will be. Who will step in to take that over? I don't know that I trust Chris with a carving knife...that may not be the brightest idea. I think we are learning that none of us can fill your shoes exactly. There are going to be tasks that each of us take. I am going to have to brush up on my electronics. I always had some knowledge but nothing like you. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

I miss you more and more with each passing day big brother. I talked to heather yesterday about our tattoo, we are making plans for it. You know I add to my list of things I wanted to do with you, I wanted to get a tattoo with you. We were more alike than we would have ever admitted. Chris is the only one with no ink. DAMN this is not fair...why am I writing in a blog about you, and getting a tattoo in your memory...you are not supposed to be gone. I still struggle with the why, and hope to find peace one day.

That day is not today, in fact today is a rough day. Until I write again, rest easy brother. Mom said she was over to visit with you today...glad you are taking care of her. She is just as lost as any of us. She wasn't supposed to bury her son. I'll be home in two weeks to visit. Until then, I will write. I miss you and I love you so much Keith Gregory.

Love your little sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

I hate this

Keith-

so I hate this shit! I have been trying so hard to handle and maintain my anger, but I hate this! I hate everything about all of this. There is so much freaking drama and I hate that. I'm not supposed to be allowed to grieve, I'm not supposed to miss you. You know what screw everyone else. I know for a fact that you loved us, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I miss you so freaking much.

The other night mom called me because she was having an issue with facebook, for some reason her account wasn't available. I know that I usually know a lot about facebook, but I didn't know what to do, I tried to help. I almost caught myself going, just call Keith he probably knows. I know it seems like I miss you when I need something, but that is how we showed love in our family. We expressed it through actions.

I don't just miss you though during those times, I miss you all the time. I miss knowing I can call my big brother to save the day. And I am really feeling the pain in my relationship. Knowing that you won't be able to meet him, and I won't be able to see you grill him in the way I know you would have. I struggle even thinking about getting married. Part of me is so happy that I found the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And part of me is sad that you won't be there for any of it. We were talking about future kids last night, and I got sad thinking about how I am going to have to tell them about you. They will never get to meet their Uncle Keith. I will have to tell them of the amazing man and hero you were. I have saved everything I can that has been published about you, so that one day I can tell them about you. Let them know their Uncle Keith, who may never actually meet them, but who loves them so much. I know from above you will look over and love my future family. I feel your love every day.

It still doesn't seem real some days and I have this anger coming up. I'm pissed! This wasn't supposed to happen, you were supposed to live a hell of a lot longer. You were supposed to be there at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, My graduation, all the birthdays...and that is just in the next year! Not to mention the years you were supposed to be here. This fucking sucks! I hate this. I hate that you are gone.

heather and I are going to go get tattoos soon. I hate that what I am going to have to remember you is only pictures, memories and a tattoo. That is it. I miss your laugh. Your laugh was one of the best laughs ever. I remember hearing it so much this summer at Aunt Jackie's birthday dinner. We laughed hard, and it reminded me of the many times we'd tickle Chris and sometimes I think you were about to pee your pants from tickling him. No one can take those memories away. We have fun as siblings, as much as we could with the age gap. And I love that I have all of those memories. You will always be my big brother. I still hate that you are gone though!

Love your little sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

Happiness with sadness

Keith-

Today I am a mix of emotions. I'm still sad every day. I just can't believe it to be true. Today I found myself happier than I have been in a long while...yet there was a sadness behind it. You see I am pretty sure I know the man I am going to marry. You haven't had a chance to meet him yet...and now I'm sad because you won't be able to interrogate him like I know you would have. I have always imagined you and Chris, playing good cop, bad cop. Obviously you'd be bad cop. I'm sad at thinking about what should be the happiest time in my life, and how you won't be a part of it. He point blank told me today that he wants to marry me, and I was so happy yet sad. This just isn't fair. Well I will wait for my sign from above of what you think. I know you'll send a sign.

Tears slide down my face today, and I couldn't help it. My heart still aches. I feel an emptiness in each and every day. I hope to one day feel strength to make it through every day. If you had any hand from up there in helping to make my love come home to me, thank you. Even if you didn't I am going to believe you did.

I love you big brother. I am trying to find strength in each day. I look for you every day in the sky, and I feel like I see you. This is so damn hard to grasp...you are really gone. It's still not real.

Love your little sister,

Nikki

4 weeks

Keith-

It's been four weeks...it feels like it was just this morning. I wake up in my bed hoping it is Sept 25, 2011. That I just had a nightmare, that the last four weeks were just a nightmare. That in a few short weeks you will be carving the Thanksgiving turkey. I just wish it was a nightmare, I wish that today was Sept 25, and I never got that phone call. Every morning I play the same game, hoping and praying that is that Sunday morning. Then I remember that it isn't a nightmare, it is real life. You are really gone. This isn't fair not at all. I just miss you.

The sky was gorgeous today, and I feel like you are up there setting up beautiful pictures. If you can't take the pictures anymore, you are going to set them up from up there. I've never really knew what I believed as far as the afterlife, but I now know that I do believe. I need to believe you are somewhere. You are still here, and I need to believe that too.

People are taking it hard, and there are days when we cry and that just has to be okay. You meant a lot, to a lot of people. We just can't forget overnight. At least the people you meant the most to, we can't forget overnight. This is going to be a lifelong battle. Each day is a new challenge...some days we are going to succeed, and there are days when we are going to fail.

I just can't believe it's been four weeks...when I go home to Lancaster, I plan on visiting. Maybe even bring a sweet tea for you to have while we visit. I miss you big brother.

Love,

Nikki

Rough Day

Keith-

I try so hard to be strong. I put on a strong face in public, I fall apart behind closed doors. I spend time in bed thinking that maybe if I stay there long enough, that call I got 4 weeks ago tomorrow morning, will go away. That was simply the worst wake up call I have ever gotten in my life. Thank God Mom called me first to tell me you were on your way to the ER...but I thought you were burned. Never in my wildest dreams when that phone rang again, did I expect to hear the news that you didn't make it. They tried all they could do and you never came back to us. I didn't even know who told me in the moment, now I know...but then I had no idea. I just couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. I know that the moments of that phone call will never be changed, but I secretly hope they will. Today as I was laying in bed, I swear I felt a hand on my shoulder...and I choose to believe it was you. You were telling me it is going to be okay. I don't know how it is going to be okay, but if you are telling me that it is going to be okay...then I must believe it.

I have never wanted my big brother as much as I have in the last month. I guess they are right when they say, you never know what you have until you lose it. I didn't know I only had 27 years to spend with you, if I knew that I would have jammed packed it with more time together. I thought we had many years to come. I feel like we were all robbed, not just you...all of us. We were robbed of some of the best years of our lives. I know we can't change anything but I do feel like we were just getting closer. I feel like times were changing...and I am so pissed that it's over before it even started.

The night you passed away I said to heather and Chris, that we had to make a pact, that no matter what we stay close. Family is everything. We may have been through a lot of shit, and we may have had moments where we didn't like each other very much. But in the end we are all we have. Family is the foundation. That is why I lost it that one night that week. It felt as if our family was falling apart...and I refused to let that be your memory. I know how much family has always meant to you, and I refused to let it fall apart in that moment.

I have always felt like my roll in the family was the fixer. Take this summer for example. We had that argument over where to have Mom's birthday. You wanted in your backyard because you just finished your deck, and Aunt Jackie wanted it in her backyard because she just finished her backyard. And Aunt Jackie's role in our family has always been the meeting place for family meals and birthdays. I feel like she felt like she was losing that. As we all are, you two were so damn stubborn, and we weren't going to have Mom's birthday at all.

I fought to fix it, because Mom was afraid it was the last year we would be together, because I plan on moving next summer. Little did we know that it was literally the last birthday where we would ever be together all of us. I am so glad that I fought so hard to make sure it was in your backyard. Without my fight, we would have never had that last BBQ in your backyard. You wouldn't have had the family over for a meal one last time. I am so glad I was able to fix that one.

However, I don't know how to fix this one. I don't think there is a way to fix it. There is a gaping hole now in our family. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I just want my big brother back. I know that isn't logical. And I know that you are with me every day. I just can't believe I will never hear your laugh again. I'm afraid of forgetting your voice, your laugh and your face.

I'm feeling lost today. I heard the other night there was falling stars, wish I would have been up to see them. They said they were literally just shooting off one after another...made me think that maybe you were up there enjoying a firing range.

Love your little sister,

Nikki

Clear Sky

Keith-

So tonight as I walking home from my second job, yep you'd get a kick out of that, your little sister works at the campus pub, the sky was so clear. The stars are shining bright...I wish my mind was as clear as the sky tonight. My mind seems to race with questions. I don't understand still. I hope one day to find clarity like the night sky tonight. Until then, I find solace looking at the sky...day or night. I feel close to you when I do. I know you are now watching over us. I know you are now keeping us safe from above. I still doesn't make sense, and I don't think I have truly grasp the idea. Each day is a new challenge and today I just don't understand. Some days I am angry, today isn't one...today I am just confused.

Today words are not easy for me, I have so many thoughts running in my head, but no words to express them. Just know I am thinking a lot about you today...trying to grasp understanding. I cry at times, but the reason is for this emptiness I feel. I can't explain that either. Thanksgiving is getting closer, and then it is all going to be real again. I'll write again soon...until then rest easy big brother.

Love,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

I can't focus

Keith-

Man am I having a hard time focusing. I am trying so hard to hide in my work, yet I find myself losing focus so quickly. It is a daily struggle to believe this is real. My life here in Jersey hasn't really changed. My job is the same, my classes are the same, my daily routine is still the same for the most part. I understand that I am not waking up to a daily life without you...but there is still this empty feeling. I am trying so hard to go about my days and just finish what I need to finish. It's just difficult. I find myself looking off into the sky and talking about how the sky is pretty more than I used to, which is actually saying a lot. I look up to the sky and try to come to grasp with the fact that you are there. I look up at the night sky and look for the brightest star, knowing that it's you shining down on me. I for some reason try to find meaning in the sky.

The picture to the left is from 9/11...that was about 7 weeks ago. 7 weeks...that seems so recent...yet so far away. I never got to see you in that uniform alive. You were alive 7 weeks ago, but now you are gone. That is just so hard for me to grasp. How can that be true? I just want to go home and know that I can see you driving your truck around town, or run into you at Turkey Hill. I cannot begin to grasp that those things are gone.

This is so incredibly difficult. I can barely say it at times. When I talk with my friends, my supervisor, my professors...to actually say the words, my brother died. Those words just do not seem to go together. This is not the way it was supposed to happen. I know you were impatient, but did you really have to skip the order. We are supposed to die oldest to youngest. You were not next. You were supposed to still be here. It still doesn't make sense at all. I feel like this isn't real life. That it is just some big joke.

How are we supposed to go on? No one can begin to fill your shoes, they were some big damn shoes both literally and figuratively. All of our roles shifted. All of our lives shifted. I do not like it. I do not like it one bit. I miss you in ways I didn't even know how.

Today is one of the days where I want to scream and yell and have it not be true. My heart hurts...only because I love you so much. And I just don't want this to be true.

Until I write again big brother rest easy...watch over us all and keep us safe from above.

Love,

Nikki

Why?

Dear Keith,

I still ponder the question why? It doesn't make sense, not at all...I don't get it. I don't get why this had to happen. I have some many damn questions and there are no answers. This sucks so bad, I don't want this to be real life. I want to wake up and have you make fun of me, or have something smart to say. I want to hear your laugh and see your smirk. I'm afraid that I will forget your face. I'm afraid of what our family life means without you. Why did this have to happen? I don't understand this at all. It doesn't feel real. With all the questions also comes regret, I regret not calling you or texting you more often. I regret the fact that I was in Lancaster all summer and I barely saw you. I lost all of that time I could have hung out. I don't get it...I still have no answers to all the questions. I can't sleep at night because I am thinking about everything, is there answers? were there signs?

I feel this emptiness in my heart, and it upsets me. It upsets me that people don't understand, they think that life should just move on. I'm sorry, my big brother will never be replaced. I can't just pick up and move on. I miss you. It is a sadness I cannot even begin to put words to. I know that life has to move on, and I know you would have it no other way. I know you don't want us wasting our lives being sad. I know you want us to live full lives. But there is a sadness behind it all. I will one day be the girl who smiles from ear to ear all the time, and who's laugh you can hear from miles away. But for now, I smile some and laugh some, but I have this sadness. I can't just snap it off. There will be something always missing, but one day I will find a way to carry you with a smile on my face. Now I smile at memories and laughing at the silliness that was us.

There is an inbalance among the siblings. There are three, that is so freaking weird. So weird. I don't like the way it sounds, and I don't like the way it is. I love Chris and heather, and all of our awesomeness. But it just sounds weird that it is just the three of us. When we talk about getting together, it is no longer Keith, Chris, Nikki and Heather. That is just weird. When we check for times for holidays, we no longer have to call you and ask about times. That is weird, and it just makes me sad. It doesn't feel complete. Life isn't complete.

Why are you gone? Why now? Why? I don't get it. I just don't understand. I wish I had a better understanding, if there was a reason.

I miss you big brother. Rest easy, until I write again!

Love your little sister,
Nikki

You'd get a kick out of this

Keith-

I still feel like when I go home for Thanksgiving you are going to be there. It doesn't seem real. I'll be the first to admit that we didn't see each other that often or talk as often as we probably should have. But what some people are failing to remember is one there was an 11 year age gap. We obviously were not going to be best friends. At least not yet in life, we all just got settled as adults. Also the thing that is forgotten is that as much as I didn't see you, you didn't see me either. Yet I know if the roles were reversed, you'd be broken up too. It's not like you'd be like damn she was a good sister, okay that's it now on with life. Your life would be different too. It's not a day to day life, and I have claimed it to be that. I get so frustrated being told how I am supposed to feel and how I am supposed to act.

I also think for a lot of people our family was too complex for them to understand. We've been through a lot of shit together, a lot of shit. It hasn't been easy. There were reasons why this was this way or that way. At the bottom of all of that shit though was our family bond. I know for a fact that I could have called you whenever and you would have been there. You probably would have given me shit, but you would have been there.

I am so glad to have the memory of Aunt Jackie's birthday dinner this year. We were all sitting around the table and just telling stories, sharing memories, drinking wine, and just laughing. I remember hearing us all laugh so hard. For a long time I'd felt like you were different, and in those moments, you were the same prankster Big Brother who glues pennies together for me to break. I felt like we were just settling into those adult roles, and I was looking forward to more family meals together and doing that over and over again. Unfortunately, I only had my birthday BBQ, because I missed Chris' birthday BBQ. I would do anything to have been able to have your BBQ chicken that one last time. I missed it because I was at work, and I hate that I missed it. At my birthday I remember heather saying that she couldn't wait until all of us had someone around the table. We were just setting up for our adult life as siblings. It's not fair, that's all we got. Those couple meals.

I never really thought about our similarities, I also thought we were so different. At times we didn't get along very well. Like the Thanksgiving I spent on the porch because you decided to educate me on the definition of ghetto, since I decided to use it as slang. I was so angry that year. I laugh at it now. But as I look back at things, we were all similar and that is probably why we bucked heads so much. Chris and I were the hot headed ones all the time, heather and you were more laid-back, but all of us stubborn. Now I look at times and realize that those similarities are there.

Look at what we all chose for our career paths, we all decided on a helping profession...on different levels of course. I am not sure I would ever be able to run into a burning building. Although I would probably surprise myself. There are things I do on a daily basis that I wouldn't normally think I could do.

I have been back at school and I look at what I do and I think you would have gotten a kick out of what I do for a living. While not many people understand what I do, and I don't fault anyone on that. Most people think I am an RA, it's not what I do. I supervise the RAs and make sure the building is still standing every day. This weekend I was dealing with a situation and I thought you would have gotten a kick out of it. I mean I am standing in my hallway with 1 uniform and 2 detectives. I saw someone cuffed and hauled away. I see a bunch of shit when I have to go on a hospital run with students. I really think if I were to have shared stories of what I do, you would have literally gotten a kick out of it. And would have seen how some aspects of our lives were similar.

The security guards at the hospital on the weekend after midnight shift are like family to me, I see them like once a week. I was in there the night before you died and had a crazy situation and the one security guard reminded me of how you would have acted...and wouldn't you know I found out his name is Keith. He saw me last weekend and was like hey it's been awhile, I've been missing you. It's just funny. The cops are the same way, when I see them at incidents, they know me. While I don't do what you did, and don't think I'd be good at it. And you saw much more than I see on a daily basis, but some of the stuff I start to think Keith would have gotten a kick out of this.

Same as I was just watching Campus PD and Cops, and I thought the same thing...Keith would have laughed at this idiot. I know that I didn't see you every day, but I think of you often. In fact some of my staff finds it quite eerie that I was showing them pics of my family and for some reason you just a couple days before you died. You meant a lot of me, and maybe I wasn't able to say it or show it enough while you were here. I know you knew. I know that you knew I loved you, and I know you loved me. And I know that you were proud of me, I just hope you knew how proud of you I was and am. You touched a lot of lives, and I am amazed every day at the amount of lives you touched. You were a special man, and I am so thankful that I got to call you my big brother. And NO ONE can take that from me. You were my big brother for 27 years and I was blessed to have had that, I just wished it would have been longer.

I love you Keith and I miss you so much.

Love Your Little Sister,

Nikki

3 weeks

Keith-

So life feels weird, in some ways it feels normal and other ways it feels so empty. My every day life hasn't really changed. We were never the type of siblings who called each other all the time, or hung out. I think that comes with the territory of being 11 years apart. Yet I know there is this emptiness in my life that will never be fully filled. Everyone around me is counting down until Thanksgiving Break, and I can't even begin to think about that. You won't be there to carve the turkey or to uncork the wine. Hell you normally brought the wine. You won't be sitting at the end of the table, telling crazy stories, or adding smart comments. I won't hear your laugh. I just can't believe this is real. I can't believe that the flag in that picture was draped on your casket. I can't believe that when I go home, I can visit you but can't see you. I can't believe you are gone. This just isn't fair. Why? I keep asking why? You couldn't possible have finished everything you were supposed to finish. You were too damn young, and it was so damn sudden. It's not fair at all. We weren't supposed to do this yet. I feel like we were just settling into adult roles as siblings. I felt like we could all sit around and be equals despite the age gap. Keith there are three things I wanted to do with you that come to mind, I wanted to go to a bar with you, I wanted to shave my head with you and I wanted you to walk me down the aisle when I got married. In the 6 years I've been legally allowed to drink we've never gone out for a drink. We both have shaved our heads for charity and I wanted to do it with you. I wanted us to have that bonding experience. And the last is a no brainer. Even when my father was still alive, we all knew he was never going to walk me down the aisle. You were my big brother and that job went to you. Maybe not traditional but I'd have it no other way. There were times over the years when I may have doubted it, but it was times when I was mad at you for the silly things in life. As I've grown older there was no question. Now I have that question to answer, who is going to do it now. I always pictured Chris standing at the front of the church with my husband-to-be and you right beside me. It's not fair Keith, not fair. I try to act strong and I try to be okay. But this is not okay. You are not going to be there at Thanksgiving or Christmas. My life will never be the same, there is an empty space that only you can fill. My big brother is gone...no matter how many times I say it, it is just so damn hard to grasp. I keep thinking that this was all just a bad dream. I keep thinking that when I come home for Thanksgiving, you will be there to carve the turkey. Every time I see a truck like yours I still look to see if it is you. I know damn straight you wouldn't be down here in Jersey, but I still look. I don't think this is ever going to easy. I know life will go on, because you would have it no other way. You would not want life to stop on your account. You lived your life to the fullest and that is how you'd want all of us to live our lives. And I know we are all trying, but it is hard. And it's only been 3 weeks, not nearly enough to begin to grasp it all. I miss you Keith...I didn't tell you enough, but I hope you knew how much I love you. You will always be my big brother, just guiding me from above. This isn't fair Keith, not at all. I just want to wake up.

Love,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

My First Hero

Until God decided it was his time, Keith was a part of my life for all 27 years of it. He may not have been a physical presence, but he was there none the less. To many little girls their father is their first hero, well not me; my first hero was my big brother Keith. As many little girls do, I have dreamed about my wedding for as long as I can remember, and without question my big brother was going to walk me down the aisle, as my other big brother Chris was going to officiate my wedding. As I’ve grown older, every detail of my future-who-knows-when wedding has been planned, even the song I planned to dance with my big brother to. My big brother will never look me in the eye tell me I look beautiful, and as I know he would have asked, are you sure, I can get you out of here. I feel like we had just settled into our adult roles as siblings. This past summer was the best family get-to-togethers I can remember. Yes there may have been an argument here and there, but we are all stubborn and passionate. It is one of the things that makes us love so deeply and unconditionally. My brother never got to see me graduate from college, and as I prepare for my grad school graduation in a few short months, he will not be there again. I even had a fool proof plan for him to see my graduation this time, they show it online, so no matter where he was in this world, he could have logged onto a computer and watched me walk across that stage. The only reason I wanted him at either graduation was because I wanted him to be as proud of me as I was him. We had 11 years between us, so we didn’t grow up together necessarily; he graduated high school while I was in elementary school. He was the first person I wanted to call when something went wrong with my car, or my phone. I was always a step behind Keith in my phones, but I always upgraded and thought wait until I show Keith. He would teach me all the cheats when Blackberry’s were the hot thing. Then he switched to a Droid and I did shortly after. We talked phones, and apps. I love the apps that Keith told me I just had to download. He was a typical big brother, a pain in the butt at times, but loving all the time. We may not have liked each other but we certainly loved each other. He was the one who I knew I could call anytime of night and while he would laugh his ass off at my troubles if warranted, he’d be there in a moment. I didn’t see him every day, but I will miss seeing him at the end of the holiday dinner table, popping open a bottle wine and maybe a second or a third. I will miss seeing him behind the grill, being the grill master at family bbqs. I will miss him picking on me in the way only he could. Christmas morning tickle fights with Chris won’t be the same without Keith’s big hands to hold him down. I can’t joke about getting my high priority text message on my birthday. I don’t get to read a card hand-picked by Keith, those were always the best. I could always tell when Keith picked out his own cards.

I used to joke about being the middle sibling, now I am the middle sibling, Chris is the oldest and heather is the youngest still. It is just weird. My whole life shifted. Some days I can barely get out of bed, those days it hits me...he's really gone. He's really not going to be there at the holidays, or my graduation, or my wedding. I am going to have to tell my kids how awesome their Uncle Keith was. Some days I am hit with laughter because I think of a silly story or I find a similarity between the two of us. We may have been 11 years apart, but there is no denying we were related.

Dear Keith-I miss you! I know I didn't tell you nearly enough while you were here, but I love you. I hope you knew. I hope you were as proud of me as I was of you. And I hope to make you proud from here on out. I struggle a lot with the fact that you are gone...how can this be? This is not how it was supposed to be, you were supposed to be here for years to come. We were supposed to laugh together and be silly together. You were supposed to watch me graduate in May. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle when I get married, and dance with me at the reception. I struggle with the fact that you are not going to be popping open the wine at the end of the Thanksgiving table. I miss you. You were my first hero, and still are my hero. Rest easy big brother. Until I write again -Nikki

Who is Keith?

This is Keith. Keith was my big brother, well he will always be my big brother. However, he has a different view these days, he is a guiding hand from above. My big brother has turned into my guardian angel. This picture was taken less than an hour before Keith was taken from us entirely too soon. Keith was participating in a live burn exercise with his volunteer fire department. He was a Lieutenant in the fire department, and had ran with them for 23 years. He was only 38 years young when his heart stopped. September 25, 2011 my entire world shifted. There are 11 years between Keith and I, so we didn't necessarily grow up together, but he was my big brother and my hero. I'm having a hard time dealing with the thought that he is really gone, and sometimes I find it easier to write things down. You may have known Keith, you may not have known Keith...but through this I will begin to grieve, find peace, re-live memories, share stories and probably write letters to him, thus the Dear Keith title. There are times I want to share things with him and I can't do that anymore...so I will come here to put my thoughts. This is more for me, but if I find readers along the way, welcome to the roller coaster. There are days of memories and laughter...then there are days of future thoughts and tears...then there are days of ugly cries. Each day is a challenge to tackle, some are good days and some are bad days.

Photo Credit: Glenn Usdin