Party Hard

Keith-

Today is hard for some people in the family, 10 years ago today your dad passed away and now your loss is so fresh. It is a tough night, watch over those people tonight. We all just miss you so much. Party hard up there with Marty, celebrate with him. Watch all the Halloween pranks people are pulling from up there.

This all it just too damn weird to grasp. I'm going home in a couple weeks, I promise to stop by the grave site...how weird to say that. Not your house, not dinner plans at a restaurant, nope the grave site. Maybe I'll come up with something cooler to call that, I don't like the way grave site sounds and I hate the word cemetery. I know you are with me all the time, but I just want to go over there and just remember.

Have a beer with your dad and just party hard. But don't forget to watch over those who love you down here. We love you so much and miss you more than words can ever begin to express.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Short note

Keith-

So are you fucking with us? Snow in October? I know how you like pranks! Anyhow I wore your old winter coat yesterday in our October Snow Storm and thought of you. It's the little things that remind me of you. It still doesn't feel real.

I miss you big brother!

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

everything reminds me of you

Keith-

So the tiniest things remind me of you. Part of me thinks it is you showing me that you are still here. I may not be able to see you, but you are here. Other parts of me think it is just me missing you. Last night my coworker and I were on our way off campus for a hospital run for a student, and we couldn't get off campus. There was a vehicle entrapment right off campus, there were 15 pieces of equipment...it looked pretty bad. Both lanes were closed off and we weren't able to go to the hospital. It reminded me of you. I see lights and engines and I think that maybe just maybe you are there. Silly I know, why in the world would you be in New Jersey at a vehicle entrapment at 4am. As you liked to tell me New Jersey is the armpit of America. I just hold my breath hoping that you will appear on the scene and I will be like wow that's weird, and damn did I have the worst nightmare ever.

This doesn't seem real Keith, it doesn't seem real at all. It has been a little over a month and it just doesn't feel real. I do not know when it will ever feel real. Will the hurt ever go away? Will things every feel normal? The holidays are literally right around the corner, and I just don't know how to do it. I don't know what it is going to be like. There is going to be this huge void. You are missing from our lives. There is not a single soul who can replace you.

You were an amazing man. I may not have fully seen it when you were here with us. And I regret not knowing you in that way while you were here. You were my pain in the butt big brother who liked to poke fun at me. You teased me like no other, and challenged me on everything. I get it that you teased because you loved and you challenged me because you wanted me to be the best me I could be. You weren't settling for me just being okay, I had to be good or better.

Keith, I miss you so freaking much. Some days it hurts a lot, hell most days it hurts a lot. I try to fill my time doing just about anything to help pass the time. Yet I am forgetful at times too. I try to watch movies or read books because I can escape into that world for a little while.

I hate this feeling of missing you. I enjoy seeing you in my life through other things. I won't forget you, don't you worry. You will forever be a part of who I am. You will always be my big brother. I will always tell people about you. I still have three siblings, you, Chris and heather. I will always answer that question to, yes I have two brothers and a sister. My brother Keith was an amazing man, who left us entirely too soon, my brother Chris who too is an amazing man, who is loving and giving, and my sister heather, who is going to change this world. That is how I am going to answer if I have any siblings. You are not forgotten, you will never be forgotten.

I love you Keith, you have taught me so much about life. Both while you were here with us, and even now. I am learning every day. Lately I have been learning patience and just that calmness that you had at times. You just sat back and watched us heat up and argue. Both you and heather, didn't get into it all the time. I am learning to just sit back and try to not let it blow up. Believe me there are some blow-ups I am just holding back on. There is one that I just want to let loose, and I hate to admit it but some day it will come out, but for now I am calm.

Wish you were still here. Wish I could not feel this emptiness. I wish more than anything that come Thanksgiving you will be in Aunt Jackie's kitchen, carving the turkey up. I know you won't be there, and I am still puzzled at who that will be. Who will step in to take that over? I don't know that I trust Chris with a carving knife...that may not be the brightest idea. I think we are learning that none of us can fill your shoes exactly. There are going to be tasks that each of us take. I am going to have to brush up on my electronics. I always had some knowledge but nothing like you. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

I miss you more and more with each passing day big brother. I talked to heather yesterday about our tattoo, we are making plans for it. You know I add to my list of things I wanted to do with you, I wanted to get a tattoo with you. We were more alike than we would have ever admitted. Chris is the only one with no ink. DAMN this is not fair...why am I writing in a blog about you, and getting a tattoo in your memory...you are not supposed to be gone. I still struggle with the why, and hope to find peace one day.

That day is not today, in fact today is a rough day. Until I write again, rest easy brother. Mom said she was over to visit with you today...glad you are taking care of her. She is just as lost as any of us. She wasn't supposed to bury her son. I'll be home in two weeks to visit. Until then, I will write. I miss you and I love you so much Keith Gregory.

Love your little sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

I hate this

Keith-

so I hate this shit! I have been trying so hard to handle and maintain my anger, but I hate this! I hate everything about all of this. There is so much freaking drama and I hate that. I'm not supposed to be allowed to grieve, I'm not supposed to miss you. You know what screw everyone else. I know for a fact that you loved us, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I miss you so freaking much.

The other night mom called me because she was having an issue with facebook, for some reason her account wasn't available. I know that I usually know a lot about facebook, but I didn't know what to do, I tried to help. I almost caught myself going, just call Keith he probably knows. I know it seems like I miss you when I need something, but that is how we showed love in our family. We expressed it through actions.

I don't just miss you though during those times, I miss you all the time. I miss knowing I can call my big brother to save the day. And I am really feeling the pain in my relationship. Knowing that you won't be able to meet him, and I won't be able to see you grill him in the way I know you would have. I struggle even thinking about getting married. Part of me is so happy that I found the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And part of me is sad that you won't be there for any of it. We were talking about future kids last night, and I got sad thinking about how I am going to have to tell them about you. They will never get to meet their Uncle Keith. I will have to tell them of the amazing man and hero you were. I have saved everything I can that has been published about you, so that one day I can tell them about you. Let them know their Uncle Keith, who may never actually meet them, but who loves them so much. I know from above you will look over and love my future family. I feel your love every day.

It still doesn't seem real some days and I have this anger coming up. I'm pissed! This wasn't supposed to happen, you were supposed to live a hell of a lot longer. You were supposed to be there at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, My graduation, all the birthdays...and that is just in the next year! Not to mention the years you were supposed to be here. This fucking sucks! I hate this. I hate that you are gone.

heather and I are going to go get tattoos soon. I hate that what I am going to have to remember you is only pictures, memories and a tattoo. That is it. I miss your laugh. Your laugh was one of the best laughs ever. I remember hearing it so much this summer at Aunt Jackie's birthday dinner. We laughed hard, and it reminded me of the many times we'd tickle Chris and sometimes I think you were about to pee your pants from tickling him. No one can take those memories away. We have fun as siblings, as much as we could with the age gap. And I love that I have all of those memories. You will always be my big brother. I still hate that you are gone though!

Love your little sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

Happiness with sadness

Keith-

Today I am a mix of emotions. I'm still sad every day. I just can't believe it to be true. Today I found myself happier than I have been in a long while...yet there was a sadness behind it. You see I am pretty sure I know the man I am going to marry. You haven't had a chance to meet him yet...and now I'm sad because you won't be able to interrogate him like I know you would have. I have always imagined you and Chris, playing good cop, bad cop. Obviously you'd be bad cop. I'm sad at thinking about what should be the happiest time in my life, and how you won't be a part of it. He point blank told me today that he wants to marry me, and I was so happy yet sad. This just isn't fair. Well I will wait for my sign from above of what you think. I know you'll send a sign.

Tears slide down my face today, and I couldn't help it. My heart still aches. I feel an emptiness in each and every day. I hope to one day feel strength to make it through every day. If you had any hand from up there in helping to make my love come home to me, thank you. Even if you didn't I am going to believe you did.

I love you big brother. I am trying to find strength in each day. I look for you every day in the sky, and I feel like I see you. This is so damn hard to grasp...you are really gone. It's still not real.

Love your little sister,

Nikki

4 weeks

Keith-

It's been four weeks...it feels like it was just this morning. I wake up in my bed hoping it is Sept 25, 2011. That I just had a nightmare, that the last four weeks were just a nightmare. That in a few short weeks you will be carving the Thanksgiving turkey. I just wish it was a nightmare, I wish that today was Sept 25, and I never got that phone call. Every morning I play the same game, hoping and praying that is that Sunday morning. Then I remember that it isn't a nightmare, it is real life. You are really gone. This isn't fair not at all. I just miss you.

The sky was gorgeous today, and I feel like you are up there setting up beautiful pictures. If you can't take the pictures anymore, you are going to set them up from up there. I've never really knew what I believed as far as the afterlife, but I now know that I do believe. I need to believe you are somewhere. You are still here, and I need to believe that too.

People are taking it hard, and there are days when we cry and that just has to be okay. You meant a lot, to a lot of people. We just can't forget overnight. At least the people you meant the most to, we can't forget overnight. This is going to be a lifelong battle. Each day is a new challenge...some days we are going to succeed, and there are days when we are going to fail.

I just can't believe it's been four weeks...when I go home to Lancaster, I plan on visiting. Maybe even bring a sweet tea for you to have while we visit. I miss you big brother.

Love,

Nikki

Rough Day

Keith-

I try so hard to be strong. I put on a strong face in public, I fall apart behind closed doors. I spend time in bed thinking that maybe if I stay there long enough, that call I got 4 weeks ago tomorrow morning, will go away. That was simply the worst wake up call I have ever gotten in my life. Thank God Mom called me first to tell me you were on your way to the ER...but I thought you were burned. Never in my wildest dreams when that phone rang again, did I expect to hear the news that you didn't make it. They tried all they could do and you never came back to us. I didn't even know who told me in the moment, now I know...but then I had no idea. I just couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. I know that the moments of that phone call will never be changed, but I secretly hope they will. Today as I was laying in bed, I swear I felt a hand on my shoulder...and I choose to believe it was you. You were telling me it is going to be okay. I don't know how it is going to be okay, but if you are telling me that it is going to be okay...then I must believe it.

I have never wanted my big brother as much as I have in the last month. I guess they are right when they say, you never know what you have until you lose it. I didn't know I only had 27 years to spend with you, if I knew that I would have jammed packed it with more time together. I thought we had many years to come. I feel like we were all robbed, not just you...all of us. We were robbed of some of the best years of our lives. I know we can't change anything but I do feel like we were just getting closer. I feel like times were changing...and I am so pissed that it's over before it even started.

The night you passed away I said to heather and Chris, that we had to make a pact, that no matter what we stay close. Family is everything. We may have been through a lot of shit, and we may have had moments where we didn't like each other very much. But in the end we are all we have. Family is the foundation. That is why I lost it that one night that week. It felt as if our family was falling apart...and I refused to let that be your memory. I know how much family has always meant to you, and I refused to let it fall apart in that moment.

I have always felt like my roll in the family was the fixer. Take this summer for example. We had that argument over where to have Mom's birthday. You wanted in your backyard because you just finished your deck, and Aunt Jackie wanted it in her backyard because she just finished her backyard. And Aunt Jackie's role in our family has always been the meeting place for family meals and birthdays. I feel like she felt like she was losing that. As we all are, you two were so damn stubborn, and we weren't going to have Mom's birthday at all.

I fought to fix it, because Mom was afraid it was the last year we would be together, because I plan on moving next summer. Little did we know that it was literally the last birthday where we would ever be together all of us. I am so glad that I fought so hard to make sure it was in your backyard. Without my fight, we would have never had that last BBQ in your backyard. You wouldn't have had the family over for a meal one last time. I am so glad I was able to fix that one.

However, I don't know how to fix this one. I don't think there is a way to fix it. There is a gaping hole now in our family. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I just want my big brother back. I know that isn't logical. And I know that you are with me every day. I just can't believe I will never hear your laugh again. I'm afraid of forgetting your voice, your laugh and your face.

I'm feeling lost today. I heard the other night there was falling stars, wish I would have been up to see them. They said they were literally just shooting off one after another...made me think that maybe you were up there enjoying a firing range.

Love your little sister,

Nikki

Clear Sky

Keith-

So tonight as I walking home from my second job, yep you'd get a kick out of that, your little sister works at the campus pub, the sky was so clear. The stars are shining bright...I wish my mind was as clear as the sky tonight. My mind seems to race with questions. I don't understand still. I hope one day to find clarity like the night sky tonight. Until then, I find solace looking at the sky...day or night. I feel close to you when I do. I know you are now watching over us. I know you are now keeping us safe from above. I still doesn't make sense, and I don't think I have truly grasp the idea. Each day is a new challenge and today I just don't understand. Some days I am angry, today isn't one...today I am just confused.

Today words are not easy for me, I have so many thoughts running in my head, but no words to express them. Just know I am thinking a lot about you today...trying to grasp understanding. I cry at times, but the reason is for this emptiness I feel. I can't explain that either. Thanksgiving is getting closer, and then it is all going to be real again. I'll write again soon...until then rest easy big brother.

Love,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

I can't focus

Keith-

Man am I having a hard time focusing. I am trying so hard to hide in my work, yet I find myself losing focus so quickly. It is a daily struggle to believe this is real. My life here in Jersey hasn't really changed. My job is the same, my classes are the same, my daily routine is still the same for the most part. I understand that I am not waking up to a daily life without you...but there is still this empty feeling. I am trying so hard to go about my days and just finish what I need to finish. It's just difficult. I find myself looking off into the sky and talking about how the sky is pretty more than I used to, which is actually saying a lot. I look up to the sky and try to come to grasp with the fact that you are there. I look up at the night sky and look for the brightest star, knowing that it's you shining down on me. I for some reason try to find meaning in the sky.

The picture to the left is from 9/11...that was about 7 weeks ago. 7 weeks...that seems so recent...yet so far away. I never got to see you in that uniform alive. You were alive 7 weeks ago, but now you are gone. That is just so hard for me to grasp. How can that be true? I just want to go home and know that I can see you driving your truck around town, or run into you at Turkey Hill. I cannot begin to grasp that those things are gone.

This is so incredibly difficult. I can barely say it at times. When I talk with my friends, my supervisor, my professors...to actually say the words, my brother died. Those words just do not seem to go together. This is not the way it was supposed to happen. I know you were impatient, but did you really have to skip the order. We are supposed to die oldest to youngest. You were not next. You were supposed to still be here. It still doesn't make sense at all. I feel like this isn't real life. That it is just some big joke.

How are we supposed to go on? No one can begin to fill your shoes, they were some big damn shoes both literally and figuratively. All of our roles shifted. All of our lives shifted. I do not like it. I do not like it one bit. I miss you in ways I didn't even know how.

Today is one of the days where I want to scream and yell and have it not be true. My heart hurts...only because I love you so much. And I just don't want this to be true.

Until I write again big brother rest easy...watch over us all and keep us safe from above.

Love,

Nikki

Why?

Dear Keith,

I still ponder the question why? It doesn't make sense, not at all...I don't get it. I don't get why this had to happen. I have some many damn questions and there are no answers. This sucks so bad, I don't want this to be real life. I want to wake up and have you make fun of me, or have something smart to say. I want to hear your laugh and see your smirk. I'm afraid that I will forget your face. I'm afraid of what our family life means without you. Why did this have to happen? I don't understand this at all. It doesn't feel real. With all the questions also comes regret, I regret not calling you or texting you more often. I regret the fact that I was in Lancaster all summer and I barely saw you. I lost all of that time I could have hung out. I don't get it...I still have no answers to all the questions. I can't sleep at night because I am thinking about everything, is there answers? were there signs?

I feel this emptiness in my heart, and it upsets me. It upsets me that people don't understand, they think that life should just move on. I'm sorry, my big brother will never be replaced. I can't just pick up and move on. I miss you. It is a sadness I cannot even begin to put words to. I know that life has to move on, and I know you would have it no other way. I know you don't want us wasting our lives being sad. I know you want us to live full lives. But there is a sadness behind it all. I will one day be the girl who smiles from ear to ear all the time, and who's laugh you can hear from miles away. But for now, I smile some and laugh some, but I have this sadness. I can't just snap it off. There will be something always missing, but one day I will find a way to carry you with a smile on my face. Now I smile at memories and laughing at the silliness that was us.

There is an inbalance among the siblings. There are three, that is so freaking weird. So weird. I don't like the way it sounds, and I don't like the way it is. I love Chris and heather, and all of our awesomeness. But it just sounds weird that it is just the three of us. When we talk about getting together, it is no longer Keith, Chris, Nikki and Heather. That is just weird. When we check for times for holidays, we no longer have to call you and ask about times. That is weird, and it just makes me sad. It doesn't feel complete. Life isn't complete.

Why are you gone? Why now? Why? I don't get it. I just don't understand. I wish I had a better understanding, if there was a reason.

I miss you big brother. Rest easy, until I write again!

Love your little sister,
Nikki

You'd get a kick out of this

Keith-

I still feel like when I go home for Thanksgiving you are going to be there. It doesn't seem real. I'll be the first to admit that we didn't see each other that often or talk as often as we probably should have. But what some people are failing to remember is one there was an 11 year age gap. We obviously were not going to be best friends. At least not yet in life, we all just got settled as adults. Also the thing that is forgotten is that as much as I didn't see you, you didn't see me either. Yet I know if the roles were reversed, you'd be broken up too. It's not like you'd be like damn she was a good sister, okay that's it now on with life. Your life would be different too. It's not a day to day life, and I have claimed it to be that. I get so frustrated being told how I am supposed to feel and how I am supposed to act.

I also think for a lot of people our family was too complex for them to understand. We've been through a lot of shit together, a lot of shit. It hasn't been easy. There were reasons why this was this way or that way. At the bottom of all of that shit though was our family bond. I know for a fact that I could have called you whenever and you would have been there. You probably would have given me shit, but you would have been there.

I am so glad to have the memory of Aunt Jackie's birthday dinner this year. We were all sitting around the table and just telling stories, sharing memories, drinking wine, and just laughing. I remember hearing us all laugh so hard. For a long time I'd felt like you were different, and in those moments, you were the same prankster Big Brother who glues pennies together for me to break. I felt like we were just settling into those adult roles, and I was looking forward to more family meals together and doing that over and over again. Unfortunately, I only had my birthday BBQ, because I missed Chris' birthday BBQ. I would do anything to have been able to have your BBQ chicken that one last time. I missed it because I was at work, and I hate that I missed it. At my birthday I remember heather saying that she couldn't wait until all of us had someone around the table. We were just setting up for our adult life as siblings. It's not fair, that's all we got. Those couple meals.

I never really thought about our similarities, I also thought we were so different. At times we didn't get along very well. Like the Thanksgiving I spent on the porch because you decided to educate me on the definition of ghetto, since I decided to use it as slang. I was so angry that year. I laugh at it now. But as I look back at things, we were all similar and that is probably why we bucked heads so much. Chris and I were the hot headed ones all the time, heather and you were more laid-back, but all of us stubborn. Now I look at times and realize that those similarities are there.

Look at what we all chose for our career paths, we all decided on a helping profession...on different levels of course. I am not sure I would ever be able to run into a burning building. Although I would probably surprise myself. There are things I do on a daily basis that I wouldn't normally think I could do.

I have been back at school and I look at what I do and I think you would have gotten a kick out of what I do for a living. While not many people understand what I do, and I don't fault anyone on that. Most people think I am an RA, it's not what I do. I supervise the RAs and make sure the building is still standing every day. This weekend I was dealing with a situation and I thought you would have gotten a kick out of it. I mean I am standing in my hallway with 1 uniform and 2 detectives. I saw someone cuffed and hauled away. I see a bunch of shit when I have to go on a hospital run with students. I really think if I were to have shared stories of what I do, you would have literally gotten a kick out of it. And would have seen how some aspects of our lives were similar.

The security guards at the hospital on the weekend after midnight shift are like family to me, I see them like once a week. I was in there the night before you died and had a crazy situation and the one security guard reminded me of how you would have acted...and wouldn't you know I found out his name is Keith. He saw me last weekend and was like hey it's been awhile, I've been missing you. It's just funny. The cops are the same way, when I see them at incidents, they know me. While I don't do what you did, and don't think I'd be good at it. And you saw much more than I see on a daily basis, but some of the stuff I start to think Keith would have gotten a kick out of this.

Same as I was just watching Campus PD and Cops, and I thought the same thing...Keith would have laughed at this idiot. I know that I didn't see you every day, but I think of you often. In fact some of my staff finds it quite eerie that I was showing them pics of my family and for some reason you just a couple days before you died. You meant a lot of me, and maybe I wasn't able to say it or show it enough while you were here. I know you knew. I know that you knew I loved you, and I know you loved me. And I know that you were proud of me, I just hope you knew how proud of you I was and am. You touched a lot of lives, and I am amazed every day at the amount of lives you touched. You were a special man, and I am so thankful that I got to call you my big brother. And NO ONE can take that from me. You were my big brother for 27 years and I was blessed to have had that, I just wished it would have been longer.

I love you Keith and I miss you so much.

Love Your Little Sister,

Nikki

3 weeks

Keith-

So life feels weird, in some ways it feels normal and other ways it feels so empty. My every day life hasn't really changed. We were never the type of siblings who called each other all the time, or hung out. I think that comes with the territory of being 11 years apart. Yet I know there is this emptiness in my life that will never be fully filled. Everyone around me is counting down until Thanksgiving Break, and I can't even begin to think about that. You won't be there to carve the turkey or to uncork the wine. Hell you normally brought the wine. You won't be sitting at the end of the table, telling crazy stories, or adding smart comments. I won't hear your laugh. I just can't believe this is real. I can't believe that the flag in that picture was draped on your casket. I can't believe that when I go home, I can visit you but can't see you. I can't believe you are gone. This just isn't fair. Why? I keep asking why? You couldn't possible have finished everything you were supposed to finish. You were too damn young, and it was so damn sudden. It's not fair at all. We weren't supposed to do this yet. I feel like we were just settling into adult roles as siblings. I felt like we could all sit around and be equals despite the age gap. Keith there are three things I wanted to do with you that come to mind, I wanted to go to a bar with you, I wanted to shave my head with you and I wanted you to walk me down the aisle when I got married. In the 6 years I've been legally allowed to drink we've never gone out for a drink. We both have shaved our heads for charity and I wanted to do it with you. I wanted us to have that bonding experience. And the last is a no brainer. Even when my father was still alive, we all knew he was never going to walk me down the aisle. You were my big brother and that job went to you. Maybe not traditional but I'd have it no other way. There were times over the years when I may have doubted it, but it was times when I was mad at you for the silly things in life. As I've grown older there was no question. Now I have that question to answer, who is going to do it now. I always pictured Chris standing at the front of the church with my husband-to-be and you right beside me. It's not fair Keith, not fair. I try to act strong and I try to be okay. But this is not okay. You are not going to be there at Thanksgiving or Christmas. My life will never be the same, there is an empty space that only you can fill. My big brother is gone...no matter how many times I say it, it is just so damn hard to grasp. I keep thinking that this was all just a bad dream. I keep thinking that when I come home for Thanksgiving, you will be there to carve the turkey. Every time I see a truck like yours I still look to see if it is you. I know damn straight you wouldn't be down here in Jersey, but I still look. I don't think this is ever going to easy. I know life will go on, because you would have it no other way. You would not want life to stop on your account. You lived your life to the fullest and that is how you'd want all of us to live our lives. And I know we are all trying, but it is hard. And it's only been 3 weeks, not nearly enough to begin to grasp it all. I miss you Keith...I didn't tell you enough, but I hope you knew how much I love you. You will always be my big brother, just guiding me from above. This isn't fair Keith, not at all. I just want to wake up.

Love,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

My First Hero

Until God decided it was his time, Keith was a part of my life for all 27 years of it. He may not have been a physical presence, but he was there none the less. To many little girls their father is their first hero, well not me; my first hero was my big brother Keith. As many little girls do, I have dreamed about my wedding for as long as I can remember, and without question my big brother was going to walk me down the aisle, as my other big brother Chris was going to officiate my wedding. As I’ve grown older, every detail of my future-who-knows-when wedding has been planned, even the song I planned to dance with my big brother to. My big brother will never look me in the eye tell me I look beautiful, and as I know he would have asked, are you sure, I can get you out of here. I feel like we had just settled into our adult roles as siblings. This past summer was the best family get-to-togethers I can remember. Yes there may have been an argument here and there, but we are all stubborn and passionate. It is one of the things that makes us love so deeply and unconditionally. My brother never got to see me graduate from college, and as I prepare for my grad school graduation in a few short months, he will not be there again. I even had a fool proof plan for him to see my graduation this time, they show it online, so no matter where he was in this world, he could have logged onto a computer and watched me walk across that stage. The only reason I wanted him at either graduation was because I wanted him to be as proud of me as I was him. We had 11 years between us, so we didn’t grow up together necessarily; he graduated high school while I was in elementary school. He was the first person I wanted to call when something went wrong with my car, or my phone. I was always a step behind Keith in my phones, but I always upgraded and thought wait until I show Keith. He would teach me all the cheats when Blackberry’s were the hot thing. Then he switched to a Droid and I did shortly after. We talked phones, and apps. I love the apps that Keith told me I just had to download. He was a typical big brother, a pain in the butt at times, but loving all the time. We may not have liked each other but we certainly loved each other. He was the one who I knew I could call anytime of night and while he would laugh his ass off at my troubles if warranted, he’d be there in a moment. I didn’t see him every day, but I will miss seeing him at the end of the holiday dinner table, popping open a bottle wine and maybe a second or a third. I will miss seeing him behind the grill, being the grill master at family bbqs. I will miss him picking on me in the way only he could. Christmas morning tickle fights with Chris won’t be the same without Keith’s big hands to hold him down. I can’t joke about getting my high priority text message on my birthday. I don’t get to read a card hand-picked by Keith, those were always the best. I could always tell when Keith picked out his own cards.

I used to joke about being the middle sibling, now I am the middle sibling, Chris is the oldest and heather is the youngest still. It is just weird. My whole life shifted. Some days I can barely get out of bed, those days it hits me...he's really gone. He's really not going to be there at the holidays, or my graduation, or my wedding. I am going to have to tell my kids how awesome their Uncle Keith was. Some days I am hit with laughter because I think of a silly story or I find a similarity between the two of us. We may have been 11 years apart, but there is no denying we were related.

Dear Keith-I miss you! I know I didn't tell you nearly enough while you were here, but I love you. I hope you knew. I hope you were as proud of me as I was of you. And I hope to make you proud from here on out. I struggle a lot with the fact that you are gone...how can this be? This is not how it was supposed to be, you were supposed to be here for years to come. We were supposed to laugh together and be silly together. You were supposed to watch me graduate in May. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle when I get married, and dance with me at the reception. I struggle with the fact that you are not going to be popping open the wine at the end of the Thanksgiving table. I miss you. You were my first hero, and still are my hero. Rest easy big brother. Until I write again -Nikki

Who is Keith?

This is Keith. Keith was my big brother, well he will always be my big brother. However, he has a different view these days, he is a guiding hand from above. My big brother has turned into my guardian angel. This picture was taken less than an hour before Keith was taken from us entirely too soon. Keith was participating in a live burn exercise with his volunteer fire department. He was a Lieutenant in the fire department, and had ran with them for 23 years. He was only 38 years young when his heart stopped. September 25, 2011 my entire world shifted. There are 11 years between Keith and I, so we didn't necessarily grow up together, but he was my big brother and my hero. I'm having a hard time dealing with the thought that he is really gone, and sometimes I find it easier to write things down. You may have known Keith, you may not have known Keith...but through this I will begin to grieve, find peace, re-live memories, share stories and probably write letters to him, thus the Dear Keith title. There are times I want to share things with him and I can't do that anymore...so I will come here to put my thoughts. This is more for me, but if I find readers along the way, welcome to the roller coaster. There are days of memories and laughter...then there are days of future thoughts and tears...then there are days of ugly cries. Each day is a challenge to tackle, some are good days and some are bad days.

Photo Credit: Glenn Usdin