3 weeks

Keith-

So life feels weird, in some ways it feels normal and other ways it feels so empty. My every day life hasn't really changed. We were never the type of siblings who called each other all the time, or hung out. I think that comes with the territory of being 11 years apart. Yet I know there is this emptiness in my life that will never be fully filled. Everyone around me is counting down until Thanksgiving Break, and I can't even begin to think about that. You won't be there to carve the turkey or to uncork the wine. Hell you normally brought the wine. You won't be sitting at the end of the table, telling crazy stories, or adding smart comments. I won't hear your laugh. I just can't believe this is real. I can't believe that the flag in that picture was draped on your casket. I can't believe that when I go home, I can visit you but can't see you. I can't believe you are gone. This just isn't fair. Why? I keep asking why? You couldn't possible have finished everything you were supposed to finish. You were too damn young, and it was so damn sudden. It's not fair at all. We weren't supposed to do this yet. I feel like we were just settling into adult roles as siblings. I felt like we could all sit around and be equals despite the age gap. Keith there are three things I wanted to do with you that come to mind, I wanted to go to a bar with you, I wanted to shave my head with you and I wanted you to walk me down the aisle when I got married. In the 6 years I've been legally allowed to drink we've never gone out for a drink. We both have shaved our heads for charity and I wanted to do it with you. I wanted us to have that bonding experience. And the last is a no brainer. Even when my father was still alive, we all knew he was never going to walk me down the aisle. You were my big brother and that job went to you. Maybe not traditional but I'd have it no other way. There were times over the years when I may have doubted it, but it was times when I was mad at you for the silly things in life. As I've grown older there was no question. Now I have that question to answer, who is going to do it now. I always pictured Chris standing at the front of the church with my husband-to-be and you right beside me. It's not fair Keith, not fair. I try to act strong and I try to be okay. But this is not okay. You are not going to be there at Thanksgiving or Christmas. My life will never be the same, there is an empty space that only you can fill. My big brother is gone...no matter how many times I say it, it is just so damn hard to grasp. I keep thinking that this was all just a bad dream. I keep thinking that when I come home for Thanksgiving, you will be there to carve the turkey. Every time I see a truck like yours I still look to see if it is you. I know damn straight you wouldn't be down here in Jersey, but I still look. I don't think this is ever going to easy. I know life will go on, because you would have it no other way. You would not want life to stop on your account. You lived your life to the fullest and that is how you'd want all of us to live our lives. And I know we are all trying, but it is hard. And it's only been 3 weeks, not nearly enough to begin to grasp it all. I miss you Keith...I didn't tell you enough, but I hope you knew how much I love you. You will always be my big brother, just guiding me from above. This isn't fair Keith, not at all. I just want to wake up.

Love,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman