My First Hero

Until God decided it was his time, Keith was a part of my life for all 27 years of it. He may not have been a physical presence, but he was there none the less. To many little girls their father is their first hero, well not me; my first hero was my big brother Keith. As many little girls do, I have dreamed about my wedding for as long as I can remember, and without question my big brother was going to walk me down the aisle, as my other big brother Chris was going to officiate my wedding. As I’ve grown older, every detail of my future-who-knows-when wedding has been planned, even the song I planned to dance with my big brother to. My big brother will never look me in the eye tell me I look beautiful, and as I know he would have asked, are you sure, I can get you out of here. I feel like we had just settled into our adult roles as siblings. This past summer was the best family get-to-togethers I can remember. Yes there may have been an argument here and there, but we are all stubborn and passionate. It is one of the things that makes us love so deeply and unconditionally. My brother never got to see me graduate from college, and as I prepare for my grad school graduation in a few short months, he will not be there again. I even had a fool proof plan for him to see my graduation this time, they show it online, so no matter where he was in this world, he could have logged onto a computer and watched me walk across that stage. The only reason I wanted him at either graduation was because I wanted him to be as proud of me as I was him. We had 11 years between us, so we didn’t grow up together necessarily; he graduated high school while I was in elementary school. He was the first person I wanted to call when something went wrong with my car, or my phone. I was always a step behind Keith in my phones, but I always upgraded and thought wait until I show Keith. He would teach me all the cheats when Blackberry’s were the hot thing. Then he switched to a Droid and I did shortly after. We talked phones, and apps. I love the apps that Keith told me I just had to download. He was a typical big brother, a pain in the butt at times, but loving all the time. We may not have liked each other but we certainly loved each other. He was the one who I knew I could call anytime of night and while he would laugh his ass off at my troubles if warranted, he’d be there in a moment. I didn’t see him every day, but I will miss seeing him at the end of the holiday dinner table, popping open a bottle wine and maybe a second or a third. I will miss seeing him behind the grill, being the grill master at family bbqs. I will miss him picking on me in the way only he could. Christmas morning tickle fights with Chris won’t be the same without Keith’s big hands to hold him down. I can’t joke about getting my high priority text message on my birthday. I don’t get to read a card hand-picked by Keith, those were always the best. I could always tell when Keith picked out his own cards.

I used to joke about being the middle sibling, now I am the middle sibling, Chris is the oldest and heather is the youngest still. It is just weird. My whole life shifted. Some days I can barely get out of bed, those days it hits me...he's really gone. He's really not going to be there at the holidays, or my graduation, or my wedding. I am going to have to tell my kids how awesome their Uncle Keith was. Some days I am hit with laughter because I think of a silly story or I find a similarity between the two of us. We may have been 11 years apart, but there is no denying we were related.

Dear Keith-I miss you! I know I didn't tell you nearly enough while you were here, but I love you. I hope you knew. I hope you were as proud of me as I was of you. And I hope to make you proud from here on out. I struggle a lot with the fact that you are gone...how can this be? This is not how it was supposed to be, you were supposed to be here for years to come. We were supposed to laugh together and be silly together. You were supposed to watch me graduate in May. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle when I get married, and dance with me at the reception. I struggle with the fact that you are not going to be popping open the wine at the end of the Thanksgiving table. I miss you. You were my first hero, and still are my hero. Rest easy big brother. Until I write again -Nikki