Keith-
So the tiniest things remind me of you. Part of me thinks it is you showing me that you are still here. I may not be able to see you, but you are here. Other parts of me think it is just me missing you. Last night my coworker and I were on our way off campus for a hospital run for a student, and we couldn't get off campus. There was a vehicle entrapment right off campus, there were 15 pieces of equipment...it looked pretty bad. Both lanes were closed off and we weren't able to go to the hospital. It reminded me of you. I see lights and engines and I think that maybe just maybe you are there. Silly I know, why in the world would you be in New Jersey at a vehicle entrapment at 4am. As you liked to tell me New Jersey is the armpit of America. I just hold my breath hoping that you will appear on the scene and I will be like wow that's weird, and damn did I have the worst nightmare ever.
This doesn't seem real Keith, it doesn't seem real at all. It has been a little over a month and it just doesn't feel real. I do not know when it will ever feel real. Will the hurt ever go away? Will things every feel normal? The holidays are literally right around the corner, and I just don't know how to do it. I don't know what it is going to be like. There is going to be this huge void. You are missing from our lives. There is not a single soul who can replace you.
You were an amazing man. I may not have fully seen it when you were here with us. And I regret not knowing you in that way while you were here. You were my pain in the butt big brother who liked to poke fun at me. You teased me like no other, and challenged me on everything. I get it that you teased because you loved and you challenged me because you wanted me to be the best me I could be. You weren't settling for me just being okay, I had to be good or better.
Keith, I miss you so freaking much. Some days it hurts a lot, hell most days it hurts a lot. I try to fill my time doing just about anything to help pass the time. Yet I am forgetful at times too. I try to watch movies or read books because I can escape into that world for a little while.
I hate this feeling of missing you. I enjoy seeing you in my life through other things. I won't forget you, don't you worry. You will forever be a part of who I am. You will always be my big brother. I will always tell people about you. I still have three siblings, you, Chris and heather. I will always answer that question to, yes I have two brothers and a sister. My brother Keith was an amazing man, who left us entirely too soon, my brother Chris who too is an amazing man, who is loving and giving, and my sister heather, who is going to change this world. That is how I am going to answer if I have any siblings. You are not forgotten, you will never be forgotten.
I love you Keith, you have taught me so much about life. Both while you were here with us, and even now. I am learning every day. Lately I have been learning patience and just that calmness that you had at times. You just sat back and watched us heat up and argue. Both you and heather, didn't get into it all the time. I am learning to just sit back and try to not let it blow up. Believe me there are some blow-ups I am just holding back on. There is one that I just want to let loose, and I hate to admit it but some day it will come out, but for now I am calm.
Wish you were still here. Wish I could not feel this emptiness. I wish more than anything that come Thanksgiving you will be in Aunt Jackie's kitchen, carving the turkey up. I know you won't be there, and I am still puzzled at who that will be. Who will step in to take that over? I don't know that I trust Chris with a carving knife...that may not be the brightest idea. I think we are learning that none of us can fill your shoes exactly. There are going to be tasks that each of us take. I am going to have to brush up on my electronics. I always had some knowledge but nothing like you. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
I miss you more and more with each passing day big brother. I talked to heather yesterday about our tattoo, we are making plans for it. You know I add to my list of things I wanted to do with you, I wanted to get a tattoo with you. We were more alike than we would have ever admitted. Chris is the only one with no ink. DAMN this is not fair...why am I writing in a blog about you, and getting a tattoo in your memory...you are not supposed to be gone. I still struggle with the why, and hope to find peace one day.
That day is not today, in fact today is a rough day. Until I write again, rest easy brother. Mom said she was over to visit with you today...glad you are taking care of her. She is just as lost as any of us. She wasn't supposed to bury her son. I'll be home in two weeks to visit. Until then, I will write. I miss you and I love you so much Keith Gregory.
Love your little sister,
Nikki
Photo Credit: Greg Leaman
No comments:
Post a Comment