Advice

Dear Keith-

So today I'm writing a little different than I have. I need your help big brother. I sit 111 days away from graduation, that day my life can pretty much take any pattern I decide for it to take. If you would have asked me four months ago, I would have told you I would have taken a job anywhere in the world to have the experience. My next position will be 2-3 years and I could live anywhere and do it. Four months ago 2-3 years seemed like not so long, it seemed like my whole life was in front of me and it was mine for the taking.

While that is still factually true, my entire life is in front of me and it is mine for the taking. But now I realize that every moment matters. It is a balance of being happy both personally and professionally. I could find an awesome job in an awesome location but personally be unhappy. I never thought I would want to live so close to family.

I don't know if it is me being scared or me just being me, but I don't know how far from family I can move. I make my list of places I want to apply for jobs and the list is scary. Every single one of the is outside of PA and it is outside of quick driving distance. So far my list has school in Kansas, Florida, Georgia, and North Carolina. I don't know what to do. This could be the opportunity of a life time, but will it make me happy.

When you bought the house so close to Aunt Jackie and even when you lived on College Ave, when you were dead in the center between Mom and Aunt Jackie, I didn't get it. I didn't get how you could stay in Lancaster and be so close. I at that point wanted to run so far away from Lancaster. Now I see that Lancaster truly is home and moving far away scared the shit out of me.

Our lives were very different, I mean you had hundreds of people you knew locally, and a great group of core friends in Lancaster. Your family and friends were all there. When I am in Lancaster, all I have is family, my friends have moved away and started their lives everywhere. I have friends in so many states.

Keith I am really lost in what I am supposed to do. Where I am supposed to go. I need you to help, I need you to guide me. I need some big brother advice. This was never something I would come to you about, but I am now. I need to know what I am supposed to do. Lost is really not a good direction.

On a side note, there was a LODD in PA recently and I know you know this because you are up there, but the kid was so young, watch out for him. I hope hearing about LODDs gets easier, because I just broke down and cried. The pain his friends and family and even his station, I truly understand it. That is something I never thought I could say, but I do. I understand what it is like to see it happen. That week while it was a blur, it is forever imprinted in my mind. You were a member of one hell of a brotherhood. While you are at it, because I know you have a lot of time on your hands, make sure you keep a watch out over your buddies, because some of them are having a hard time and really miss you and are lost without you. And as always watch over me, I miss you a lot and am quite lost and not sure I am dealing with all of this well.

I hide a lot of my feelings, and I don't let many people in. I'm still pretty broken and lost and just confused about life. I was thinking about Mother's Day tonight, because Mom needs a new couch and I was thinking the siblings could get together and get it for her, and immediately I missed you. And I was thinking about that pic of the four of us that I couldn't get Mom, I was supposed to organize it and I never did. I just figured we'd do it next year, meaning this year and now we can't. There will never be another pic of the four of us. So I was thinking of how we could do it that it wasn't creepy. I have always made fun of the people who have pictures of the family who has died in the pictures. So I was thinking maybe we could take your flag and have it in the picture. You are still there in the pic and then it also goes with Mom's red white and blue theme. Just a thought I had tonight.

Well I am going to go for now, but I will write again. There are days between when I write mostly because I have a lot going on, but also because I just don't want to believe that this is reality. I am struggling and I need you. And I miss you. Most of all Keith Gregory I love you more than I was ever able to tell you.

Love Always,

Nikki

A Dream Visit

Dear Keith-

Thanks for visiting me the other morning in my dream. I didn't know how much I needed that hug. Hugs were never something we did often. In fact I believe the last time I hugged you was Christmas Day 2009 when Nanny Rankin passed away. I remember seeing the tears glisten your eyes, and the tight embrace. It was a rough day for all of us, but for you and Chris in particular she was your natural grandmother, but she always thought of heather and I as her grandkids too.

In that dream it was a family gathering and you looked like there were tears in your eyes again, and you held me tight. I remember saying that you were losing weight and to keep going. I looked over at heather and she just shook her head. I think this is because part of me is still in denial that you are gone. I think it will all go away, but this time that won't happen. This is forever our lives, you are gone. And I am just not ready to grasp that.

Never the less the hug was a true blessing, I really felt like you were there holding tight and telling me that things are going to be okay. The tears in your eyes this time were I think because you couldn't truly be here with us. I think you miss us as much as we miss you. Life isn't fair and you are supposed to be here.

Like I have said I am not sure what I believe, but visit more in my dreams. I miss those family times. You, Chris, heather, me, Mom and Aunt Jackie. We were an odd bunch, but deep down we were a tight knit family. The laughter that we laughed was pure and genuine. The tears we cried were real. The fights we had were full of passion. And above all we shared a never-ending love. I will never stop loving you as my big brother. I still have two older brothers. You still having meaning in my life. You will never be forgotten.

I miss you Keith so much. Sometimes my grief overcomes me and I just cry. I cry because of missed memories. We still had a lot of memories to make. Rest easy up there big brother. You deserve everlasting peace.

Love Always,

Nikki

I just want to cry sometimes

Dear Keith-

So I pretend to be all brave and strong, and I try to keep it together. I also try to not cry and try not to breakdown, I know that you would want us to carry on. But Keith this fucking sucks, it sucks a lot. This is just not something I thought I would be dealing with at 27. I mean I figured that you would go before me, hell you were 11 years older than me. I get that being the younger sister by that much I'd have to stand at a podium and talk about you. But why the fuck did it have to happen now. You only fucking 38 years old. It's just not fair. I cannot seem to grasp this at all.

I have to say if you were going to have any type of aliment that would not allow you to do the things you loved, then this was they way you had to go. I could not stand watching you slowly become a man who didn't have a passion for life, if he couldn't fight fires or chase bad guys. But I can still be mad that I was robbed of so much stuff. One day I hope that this feeling dulls. I hope that I am not mad at the universe forever for robbing us of some pretty kick ass moments.

For now I'm done being brave all the time, I am gonna cry tonight, because I miss you so much. I miss you in ways I didn't know possible. I mean I didn't call nearly as much as I should have, I rarely had important reasons to call on you. But I liked knowing that you were just a phone call away. I liked knowing that my big brother could come in and save the day.

I did a lot of things to try and make you and everyone proud. I really tried to be the best me I could be to make you all proud. I mean you were this super hero who saved people's lives, and I just wanted to be as good a human being as you. You were always that super cool older brother, I always wanted to impress you.

Some of my fondest memories are stupid, but they are ours, and now mine. I remember this time that we were in your backyard on College Ave, you had a BBQ for your friends and you invited the family too. Mom and Aunt Jackie, they left and I stayed. I remember drinking and doing Jell-O shots. That was cool because I was drinking with my older brother. You see as much as you probably always seen me as a little kid, I also always saw you as super older and grown-up. I was of legal drinking age, so it wasn't like I couldn't drink, but to drink with you was like whoa. I remember one of your friends, saying but you can't drink and I was like umm yes I can, I'm 21 or 22 or whatever age I was. They were just as shocked, because I was all grown-up. Same thing happened at your wedding in the limo with the bridal party, you weren't there, but I remember RJ being shocked that I was 21.

Keith we were supposed to have more of those moments, we were supposed to have more memories. I'm so afraid that I am going to forget what you sound like and what you look like. I didn't have enough time to make the memories of you. I didn't know the last time I saw you was going to be the last. I didn't know the last time I heard you laugh was going to be the last. I loved your laugh. I loved telling a story and having you go into a laughing fit. Sometimes I tell a story with the family and I just wait for your laugh to start. It will never be a part of another story I tell.

I miss you a lot today. For no other reason than I miss you. I just want to wake up and this be the worst fucking nightmare ever, but it's not going to happen. I just want one more day with you, I want to be able to tell you how much I truly love you and how much you mean to me. I am so afraid you never knew just how much I loved you and still love you. Oh Keith this fucking sucks.

Love Always,

Nikki

Where do we go from here?

Dear Keith,

So the question at hand is how do we go from here? Life is different it will never be the same. However, we have to learn to live this life. If we live in the past, we will lose the present and never make it to the future. I am scared of going on in this life without you. You were such a presence in our family. You were a stronger male presence in the family.

Mom is having a hard time, and I mean how could you not she lost her son. You were only 38 years old, we are all trying to grasp that. The picture to the left is at Mom's house. It's what we have left to remember you by. We have pictures, and she has the flag that was on your casket. This just all is crazy, this does not feel like real life.

I hate that we have to figure out how to live, I hate that this is the life that we have to get used to. I have to be okay with the fact that there are things in life that we never had a chance to do together. I hate that. I hate it so fucking much. I hate having to talk in the past tense when it comes to you, I hate it. It is not fair that this if life.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason, but I cannot say that about this yet. There is no reason that at the age of 27 I had to watch my 38 year old brother be buried, what possible reason could there be. And what reason is there that I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye, or tell you how much you have meant to me in my life. It is just not fair. I do not wish disease on anyone, but hell at least their loved ones get a chance to say goodbye, the downside is that they have to watch them die, but at least they know how people feel about them. I am never going to know if you knew how much you meant to me. I mean we were never a touchy feely family.

Keith we need your guidance from above, we need to know where we go from here. We need to know the next step. I am trying so hard to do what I feel is right for our family, but at the end of the day I still miss you a lot. And there are nights when I cannot help the tears that roll down my face. I need my big brother. I can't call, I can't text, I can't facebook you.

I miss you a lot Keith Gregory and so do a lot of people. We are all trying to come to grasps with this. This was all so shocking. A little over three months is not enough time to mourn and grieve, at least for most of us. Each day is difficult. There are days I don't want to get out of bed, days I don't want to believe it is any day after September 24, 2011. That was the last morning that I woke up and all of my siblings were alive. When I woke up September 25, it was to the news that you were on your way to the hospital, and I now know that while your body was on the way to the hospital, you were already gone. They had already done all they could do to try to save you.

I cannot believe that this is reality even as I type this. This is all just craziness. This is life? What the hell? We are all so young, we were supposed to have years left. We were supposed to all four be there when we did so many things. There are so many events in life that we are all supposed to be there for. I still cannot grasp what my wedding is going to be like without you. I am no where near getting married, so don't worry. But I just don't know how that day is going to go. It is supposed to be this joyous day and I don't know how to have a joyous day while there is such an important person missing. There are going to be people there who are going to be sad. I still struggle with who is going to walk me down the aisle. I know Chris would, but I have always wanted him standing at the altar with my husband-to-be and be on your arm. It is how I have picture it for as long as I can remember. Then if I still want Chris there at the altar, who do I choose. I have thought of a few of your friends that could be your stand in, but then I just don't know. I mean I know I have time to think about all of this, but for me I have been playing my wedding for years, every last detail. Songs that will be danced to at the reception, with my siblings. I haven't been able to really think about any ideas for weddings since you passed away.

I don't understand how some people seem so over your death, they seem like life just goes on. I mean I know that I have to continue to live, but there is an undertone to every day. Well Keith I just miss you a lot, and I need your guidance of where do we go from here. I need to know what direction I need to follow, I to figure out what life means now. I am just a jumbled mess right now.

Love Always,

Yours Little Sister,

Nikki