Thanksgiving and the Two Month Mark

Keith-

Thanksgiving has come and gone...it was really rough. There was this tension there, like we all knew it didn't feel the same, but we didn't want to say it. You were missed very much. I went into the kitchen to taste test the dried corn and it was weird not seeing you there by the turkey, and then I said to Aunt Jackie that it seemed like there was drastically less dried corn than normal. Aunt Jackie cut the turkey, and Mom didn't have to fight you for the skin of the turkey.

There were tears in our eyes when Chris was saying grace. All of the filling had celery in it, we only had two kinds, not three. Your special dish of it was missing along with you. There were awkward moments of silence, like we didn't know what to talk about...and I was just waiting for you to interject a hilarious story. Or when we laughed, I just wanted to hear your belly laugh.

When we passed around the food, I got a piece of dark meat, I can't tell you the last time that happened. The dried corn only went to Chris, Mom and I. It just wasn't the same without you. I know you are always with us and I know you were there, but without you physically there it is freaking weird. And this is only the beginning, we have too many family meals ahead where you will be missing.

As we were waiting for the food to be ready, I walked to the front door and caught myself just looking up towards your house, secretly wishing I'd see you coming down the street with a bag full of wine and sweet tea. You didn't come walking down that street, and each time I looked it made me sad.

I think I am still in shock, because this doesn't feel real. I feel like I am going to wake up and you are going to be there. I feel like this is all just a cruel joke, I can't even begin to picture what life is like without you. I don't want a life without you, this is not fair, we were not done. Our family had many more chapters to write.

It's been 2 months, I can't believe that there have been two months since you've been here with us. I can't believe that, that number is only going to grow. I hate this so much Keith! I was looking at pictures today and man we sure made some memories, but I wanted to make more. I didn't want our story to be over. I didn't want to close this chapter...this is not fair.

Keith I miss you every day. I feel guilty for not having a closer relationship. I beat myself up every day because I didn't get that last picture of all of us kids for Mom. The last pic she has of all of her kids is from 2006 at your wedding. I miss you so much, and I just wish that Santa could bring you back in that sack of his.

I love you Keith, and you are missed by all. Rest easy big brother!

Love Always,

Nikki

Ready or not here they come

Keith-

We've been dreading this, but the holidays are upon us. First up Thanksgiving, the first without you. I don't want it to happen. I talked to heather the other night, and we both agree that there should be no one at your spot. This is going to be difficult for all of us. So please watch over us and help us through this all. We miss you so much. I love you Keith.

Nikki

Guest Appearance

Keith-

You made a guest appearance in my dream the other night. It was nice to see you and hear you. I was so afraid that I forgot what you sounded like, but I remember. You looked and sounded like you. You told me that everything was going to be okay. I am going to trust you and believe that everything will be okay. I don't know how, but I will believe it to be true.

I think I have been closed off for you to make an appearance, I don't think I was ready. I have known you are here, I just don't think I was ready to see and hear you. I know you will always be here, this is just so damn difficult Keith.

I feel so lost, empty and broken. I try so hard to carry on with my days, but it is difficult. There are days I just want to stay in bed and not care about what is going on. BUT I know you would kick my ass for that. I can't believe it has been 8 weeks. Keith 8 fucking weeks. It seems to be not so long ago, yet forever ago.

I am trying to be a better me. I want to make you proud, even if it is difficult to go about my days most days. I get to go back home in 3 days. I'm gonna make another trip over to the cemetery, I promise to stay longer this time. I need to spend some time, get some clarity. Going home in 3 days though means that Thanksgiving is right around the corner...so Keith, please watch over us, this is going to be a difficult time. We all miss you so much and we love you so much, this is difficult because of how much we love you. And I promise you that love will never change, and if it does, it will only continue to grow.

I miss you big brother...watch over us all, and show us you're watching over us.

Love Always,

Nikki

Empty, Lost, Unmotivated

Keith-

This week I don't know if it is the weather or what, but this week I am so much less motivated. I feel empty and I am utterly lost. I have tried being strong, and I have tried to carry on...I just don't know that I can. Getting out of bed is a task every morning. My life feels so different knowing you are gone.

All this drama too is not helping, I feel like the family is going to be ripped apart eventually. So as always please watch over us, keep us safe, keep us together. I've learned that family is everything, and with you missing, I feel like empty. This just isn't fair.

There are people out there who have hurt children for years and got away with it and get to continue to live, yet you who helped so many is gone. This is just not fair. I'm angry and lost.

I love you and I miss you so damn much.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Trying to keep your memory positive

Keith-

For most of my life, the one thing I knew about you, was that you were a firefighter. You loved what you did. I can remember you making comments about not graduating when we all talk about our graduations, but I hope you know that what you did mattered. You were successful, you were skilled, you were respected, you were loved. You were such a humble man and all of the honors you keep getting, you are probably up there going "guys I didn't do what I did for this."

Well tough shit big brother, you mattered and we are only honoring you in the way that your service should be honored. This is really difficult on all of us. There isn't a specific path we are supposed to travel with this, this is new territory. Everyone is taking this hard, it just doesn't make sense. Seeing men cry in the way that they are, just shows me how much you meant to all of these guys.

I am doing everything I can to keep your memory positive. I do not want negative stuff surrounding your memory. I don't want us to have ill thoughts, I want us to celebrate and remember your life. You meant a lot to us. I know I didn't tell you nearly enough, but you meant a lot to me Keith. More than I think I could ever express, we were never really the lovey dovey type. The last time I can remember hugging you was Christmas two years ago.

This is so difficult. I'm trying to be strong, but there are days I just want to curl up in bed and just cry. I want to stay in bed because maybe if I sleep enough, I'll wake up and this will all be a nightmare. I'll wake up to you being here on earth.

Some people are having a really hard time coming to grasp with the fact that you are really gone. So I ask for you to watch over them. Spend extra time with them and guide them down a positive path. Make sure that nothing negative happens because of this. Make sure that we keep your memory positive. I don't want your passing to be the reason anyone does anything they will regret. I am trying to be the fixer and keep things together. I am trying really hard. I am trying to be strong.

I am not good at asking for help, but spend some time with me too. I need your guiding hand to stay strong. I need you more than I ever knew I did. I need your presence in my life. I won't have the physical presence, but I need to know you are still here with me. I am one of the people some days that am having issues coming to grasp with this.

It is hard for me because I only face reality here in Lancaster. It doesn't feel real in Jersey, it feels like I'm living in a haze there. I still feel empty every day. There will always be a place in my life for you, and I promise to carry your memory on. I tell everyone who will listen about you. You were an amazing man, and I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you that. A regret I will have to live with, but I hope you know now. I have to believe that you do.

I love you so much Keith, and I will always love you. You will always be my big brother, and you will always be important. There is no forgetting you, your memory will live on, I promise you this. Rest easy big brother, I hope you are finding peace.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Today was difficult

Keith-

Today was so difficult. Being home in Lancaster is so difficult. It is so much more real here. And people want to talk about you here, which something I don't have back in Jersey. People will listen, but it is different to have a conversation. When I am around people that knew you, it is conversation, we both talk about you. It's not just me telling them about you.

I have to get used to telling people about you, one day I will need to really sit down and tell my future husband about you and my future children about their Uncle Keith. But it is different then just telling my friends about you. I do, and I talk about you all the time. I just like being able to talk to people who knew you. I like telling stories, but I also like hearing stories.

It is hard though talking about you sometimes, and sometimes people want to talk about that day and the week honoring you. Those are the difficult times to talk about, because it is then that the world changed for me. It is so hard to believe it was seven weeks ago today I got that phone call. That day is such a blur yet the memory is burned into my mind. That is an oxymoron, I know...but it is how it is. The blur is just the time part I think. But I remember getting the phone calls, I remember being in bed when I got them. I remember the events that happened until I was able to get on a train home. I remember getting on the wrong train because my ticket said 4:something and there was a train in front of me, so I got on. I ended up on a train going to Washington rather than a train to Lancaster. I remember it all. I remember the hugs from Chris, heather, Mom, Aunt Jackie. I remember talking with Chris and heather in the backyard. It is just hard to talk about it all over again.

Those are not the memories I want to focus on. I want to focus on the way you laughed so hard, or the times we tickled Chris so much we thought he would pee his pants. I want to remember the day you brought my fish to class and saved the day. I want to memories of you alive, so that I can keep you alive in my heart. I will forever remember the celebration of your life and the impact you had on this community. You were a humble man, and you would have told everyone to stop making such a fuss. But Keith, you earned that fuss. Every last person who showed their respects, wanted to be there for you. They wanted to thank you for your service. Some people didn't even know you, but they were impacted by your service.

Do you know how many children you taught about fire safety with the smoke house? Those children remember heroes like you. Or how many people you helped in your over 2o years of service with the fire dept? You mattered Keith. You mattered to a lot of people, and there was so much love. I will forever remember walking behind your casket out the door of the funeral home and seeing the sea of people saluting you. That moment took my breath away. You mattered Keith.

Visiting you over in the cemetery was difficult today. It also makes it so real. I remember that day when I go over. And just the line of cars. The sea of people. The flag draped over your casket. I can't believe that when I want to visit you that is where I have to go. I can't see you anymore. I can't hear you anymore. This is so damn hard Keith. So damn hard. I wish I was home more, so that I could visit more, and so that I could talk with people who loved you more.

Keith watch over us all, the coming weeks are going to be some of the most difficult. We have the holidays coming, those are going to be tough on all of us. We will laugh, we will cry, but most of all we will remember you. You are forever a part of this family. Your memory will stay alive with us through our unending love for you.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

Home isn't the same...

Keith-

I'm sitting at home, and even though we've never lived together in this house...it's just not the same. When I am home, it is more real than ever that you are really gone. It is still hard to say those words, but here in Lancaster it is like I cannot escape the truth. This really sucks, I don't like this reality. This is not the way it is supposed to be.

I sit in the living room and I see your flag, and your pictures and the memories flood back to the worst week of my life. You will never be forgotten and I hope you know that. You will forever live in each of us. There is no forgetting, I still have two brothers and a sister. I may never be able to hear your voice again, or see your smirk, but you will forever be my big brother...nothing and no one will ever change that.

I cried tonight watching the video they showed at the banquet last week. That too today made it more real than ever. Seeing it all again, hearing the announcement again, and your last call. Mom and I talked about you tonight too. We will always talk about you, because we will always miss you. I am really going to miss you picking on me at the holiday dinner table.

Oh Keith, this is not fair. I say it time and time again, and I mean it every time. You are so missed. This is not the way things were supposed to happen. You were not supposed to be gone this soon. I still ask why, and I still battle with the anger, because I don't understand. There are criminals running around, there are people who do horrible things who are still breathing, why did they take my big brother...who may have gotten into trouble from time to time, but who was the type of guy who would give the shirt off his back to a person in need. You were one of the most giving people I have ever known, and I am so proud that you were and are my big brother.

I love and miss you Keith Gregory.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Coming Home

Keith-

So I will be in Lancaster in less than 12 hours, and I am looking forward to it, yet dreading it at the same time. You see here in Jersey, it doesn't seem real. It seems like a bad dream. When I come home, it is real again. You are really gone. I just can't seem to grasp that yet. I know I say the same thing over and over again. I just don't understand. I don't know that I ever will understand.

I know when I go home I am going to look down your street when I am over at Aunt Jackie's. I know I am going to look for your truck. I know when I pass Alley Kat I am going to look to see if you are there. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that those things aren't possible ever again.

This just seems surreal. People always say that one day can change your life. Little did I know that Sept 25, 2011 would forever change my world. And change my world in ways I never realized possible. My life will never be the same. It doesn't seem possible that a single day just a few short months ago could change my life. I wish I could go back to Sept 24th, and knew to tell you I loved you. I can't believe the last time I saw you was in August. I missed a whole month of your life, and the last month. I never thought the life changing day would happen this soon.

I miss you Keith. I think of you often. I try to go about my days with a smile on my face and just living out each moment. There are days when it is really impossible to get out of bed. Or nights when I stay up crying. I still feel this emptiness and I don't think it will ever go away.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

the day I spent living your passion

Keith-

Today is more of a memory type of day. I have said over and over my feelings...and right now I am too tired to feel. Today I am remember a time when I volunteer to be a victim in an exercise. It was at Park City, and I volunteered partly because I was like maybe I could meet me a hot fireman, but mainly because it meant I got to spent time with you and see you do what you did best.

It may have only been one time, and you may never of thought twice about it. But I have looked back at that and cherish that day. I got to be a part of your life, part of what you did and loved. Those are the type of memories that are keeping you alive in us. You'll forever be with us.

I'm grateful for all of the memories I have of you, and trying to focus on that and not get pissed off at the memories I was robbed of. I love you Keith, I always have and I always will. I may not have liked you all the time, but I hope you know that there was not a day of my life that I didn't love you. Nor was there a day in my life that you were not my hero.

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

Keith-

Today...well yesterday technically, but I haven't slept yet, so I feel it to be today...was the church's All Saints service. I wish I could have been there, to hear the bell rung for you. To remember you. I'm still waiting for you to just tell me this was a big cruel joke and that you aren't really gone. You are really gone...I can't seem to grasp that.

My heart aches so much when it hits me that you are really gone. Thanksgiving is getting closer...and you aren't going to be there. This isn't ever going to be easy. I know life must go on, and I know that I must live my life to the fullest, and I want to make you proud of me. I just don't know how that is supposed to happen.

I plan on spending some time at the cemetery when I come home next weekend. I need to spend some time there and just remember and think. I need your guidance. I need to know how to move forward. It just doesn't seem possible. We are all talking about Christmas and how that is supposed to happen. I have no Christmas spirit, my only Christmas wish isn't able to be fulfilled. Santa can't throw you in a bag and bring you back.

I'm not sure what I believe in the super natural. I struggle with it, because for a long time I just chose not to think about it, because then it wasn't real. I never paid much attention to things. Part of me wants to believe in it, and part of me doesn't. But the more I think about it, I sort of do believe in it. I feel like you knew I needed someone in my life to rely on because I was an utter mess that week at home. And I still believe that it was your guiding hand that brought my love back to me, and gave us hope of a future. I felt it again today. Today being the All Saint Remembrance, you made sure that I got to talk to him for a good hunk of the day. You knew what I needed to make it through the day.

For now that is all I can really grasp as far as the supernatural. I still think I see you in the sky when I see a beautiful sunrise, sunset, or cloud. I see you in the brightest star in the sky. I feel you, I believe you are with me. I just don't know how much more than that I can grasp. Hell until seven weeks ago, I wasn't sure what I believed in the afterlife. Now I have to believe it is truly there. I need to know you are some place, where you are happy and watching over us. You were always watching over us, you just have a different view.

This is all so damn difficult. I wish there were answers. I have always been one to figure out why for things, and I can't even begin to understand this. I miss you, so much. I wish we could go back and just be closer. I wish we knew that we had limited time. I wish more than anything, that you were still here. Still here to be a pain in the ass and poke fun at me.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman

is this real life?

Keith-

I wish the picture to the left was real life. I wish it wasn't just a picture. I wish you were checking an updated score on your phone while at a fire or checking anything on your phone.

Grasping reality is difficult. I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces and continue forward. But it's difficult, so difficult!

It's just not fair. I don't understand, I still don't. I didn't know I could miss you like this. There is this huge empty place in my life now. I am trying so damn hard to keep it together, but I can't do it every day.

You are so missed Keith! I hope you knew how loved you were before you left us. I hope you knew how much you meant to so many people. Watch over us all, and keep us safe...just like you did while you were here.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Full calendar month without you

Keith-

So it's November...which means we have lived an entire calendar month without you, October 2011 was the first month of the year without a day with you in it. It doesn't seem to have sunk in yet.

I am hitting the anger stage. First and foremost I am angry that you are gone, and still question on a daily basis why. But I am angry that we didn't get to do things together. I don't have nearly as many memories with you that I wish we'd of had.

I am trying to hold onto the memories I do have. The times as adults that we could just shoot the shit. Like when you came home from Jamaica two summers ago, and I was staying at your house to watch Bear. Your plane came in late, so instead of going home that night I spent the night on the couch and you took me home the next morning. I remember that for a little bit we were downstairs and just talking before you went up to bed. And hell that was the first time in a long ass time we spent the night in the same house. I can't remember the last Christmas that all four kids slept in the house.

I'm angry that we don't have more times like that. I'm angry that we were all robbed of many years together. This is just not fair. You were supposed to make it past 38 years old. I always gave you shit about being old, and I remember saying recently that you were inching closer to 40. I wanted to give you a hard time when you turned 40. It's one of the pleasures I get being younger. We would have never been the same decade. I'll be 29 when you should be 40.

As we are getting closer and closer to Thanksgiving, I am getting more and more anxious. I don't know what it is going to be like. Over the years there have been family meals that you have missed because of work, so it is not like it will be the first Thanksgiving ever that you are not there. But it will be the first one that you are gone. So how is it going to feel? What is it going to be like? I mean I know you will be there in spirit because you are forever a piece of all of us who will be sitting at that table.

No one can sit in your spot, I won't allow it. I don't care how silly it may look that there is a complete end of the table that no one is sitting at. I know as the years go on, your spot will need to be taken, because as heather and I begin to bring someone home there are going to be more people at the table. This year I think Anne will be there, I'm so glad you were able to meet her this summer. I know that will have a lot of meaning for Chris. I think Chris found his person, and I'm so happy for him. And so happy that you were able to meet her. I'm still sad that you will never meet the guy I bring home. I've never introduced any guy to the family, I was waiting and now he won't get a chance to meet everyone.

I still can't grasp that there are going to be many months without you in them. I miss you so much more than I ever thought possible. I still feel empty. Every time I look up at the night sky and see a bright star, I know you are with me.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki