Last Day of the Last Year You Were Here

Dear Keith,

I have been dreading this day for over three months. It was actually one of the first thoughts I had, I didn't want it to turn to 2012, because I didn't want to enter into a year without you. You see today is the last day of the last year that your physical presence was here on earth. Don't get me wrong, I know you are still here, I know that you are with me every day, but it is different. It has been hard enough to wake up each day and know that the day is not September 25, 2011, and the phone won't ring with the word that they were able to save you.

Our lives are forever changed, and tonight makes me truly fell that. In less than 11 hours, millions of people on the east coast will ring in this new year with booze, kisses and celebration. I will ring it in trying to remain positive, because I know you would want it that way, but with sadness in my heart. I don't want to enter into 2012, which is odd because I had been looking forward to it for so long. I graduate in 2012, my life begins in 2012 with my new job that will come after I graduate in May. Never did I think I would ring in this year with the sadness that fills me.

Everyone is dealing with your loss differently and it is so difficult for us all. I went for a visit to see your headstone again with Aunt Jackie today. It truly is beautiful, but I really wish it wasn't there, and instead you were here. Keith Gregory I miss you and this is not fair. I will not let this define me and not let this define our family. We will figure out a way to carry on, because that is what you want, I know it is what you want. I know you would not want your death to be the end of any of us. I really worry at times, because like I said we are dealing with it differently, but I just hope we will all find peace.

Peace...seems weird to say that we will find peace in any of this. Because peace means calm and peace means being okay with this. I am not okay with the fact that you are gone so soon. I mean you were older than me, so I figured one day I would probably be in this place, but never did I think in my 20s I would be doing this. I will spend the new few decades visiting a cemetery not visiting you or calling you. I will find a way to figure this all out and what life means. I know there are going to be difficult days.

I know you probably don't want us crying and being sad, but you just have to realize that well it is going to happen. This is hard as hell. I know I didn't tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, but I hope and pray that you knew. I hope you know that you were the big brother I have always looked up to and admired...both you and Chris were the guys I looked up to. I didn't have dad to look up to, I had my big brothers. And you two are as different as night and day, except when it comes to family. Family means everything, and you both would do whatever you had to do for family.

I know that we were always stubborn, every last one of us. I know that we yelled, and I know that we butted heads. But at the end of the day you were my big brother and I was your little sister, and nothing and no one was going to change that. Hell they aren't changing that now either. I am going to grieve, mourn and miss you, most of all I am going to continue to love you. You are still here I know that, but do me a favor...show me a little more. The last time I truly felt connected to you was the day I felt your hand on my shoulder. I need to feel your presence from time to time.

I miss you every day Keith, and it hurts and I am sad. But above all I am making sure to keep a positive memory of you alive. I don't care about the fights or the yelling, I care about the love and caring. It's my turn to take care of you, all I ask in return is for you to watch over not only me but our family, we need your guidance. I love you big brother, rest easy and toast in the New Year up there with your dad, Nanny, Pop Pop and Pookie, but also throw a bone to Mack and Yukon. Find peace, we are going to be alright, because we have the best guardian angel there is...YOU!

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

This makes it feel real...

Dear Keith,

I heard the other day that your headstone was in, and this morning I went over to see it. This makes it so much more real. I still struggle daily that this is real life, and that you are really gone, but this makes it so much more real. Your name is on that stone, how can it be? The stone looks good though Keith, really good. I like that your bunker is on the back, that is so fitting. I know that you are still with us but I just wish you were here physically. I miss you so much.

I am trying really hard to keep us all together. I felt you with us on Christmas day, and it was a good one. It felt like how Christmas used to be. We really appreciated time spent with family, it wasn't about the gifts, we opened them one by one and all appreciated each and every gift. We took time to see what everyone got. My gift was one of the first gifts opened, I got a camera Keith. I am going to try to fill that aspect of you. I took pics Christmas morning, but I am no where near your level yet. I am going to try.

We also played a game I got for Christmas called The Logo Game, and Keith we laughed so hard to were crying. There was a mix of tears and sadness, and laughter and joy. We couldn't have went through the day without a few tears, because we miss you so much. There is a huge hole in our lives. I felt you with us during that game, and I had a pang of sadness because I just wanted to hear your belly laugh, because boy were we laughing.

We started a guess what will be a new tradition, we went over to the cemetery. Well actually to two, went came to visit you first, and then over to Nan's grave. We wanted to make sure you got your stocking. So we brought it along and we emptied out the contents. I mean we didn't fill it with what you normally got, I didn't think you needed any body wash or deodorant. Your stocking had snuff, tea, cookies and of course your apple and orange. Your headstone wasn't up yet, it went up shortly after Christmas. Oh and we put a wreath on, because Christmas was your favorite holiday. I promise now that your headstone is up, I will decorate for Christmas next year, and I will go all out. There will be lights and a wreath.

I am trying to make sure I keep your memory alive Keith Gregory. I am making sure to do what I can, and carry on your memory. I hope more than anything that I make you proud. I am trying really hard, and I know that I am not yet fully dealing with this, but I will take the time, I promise. I needed to make sure we made it through the holidays, I needed to make sure you being gone didn't rip apart the family. I knew that we needed to have Christmas and we needed to do it right. I love you Keith, and I miss you every single day.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

In your memory

Dear Keith,

I haven't written in awhile...I don't use the computer much while home...but I will soon. But I wanted to share my tattoo I got last week in your memory. heather and I went together, to the shop and artist you went to for your last tattoo. It is awesome! After much dilberation heather and I ended up with matching tats on on our right foot. Oh the detail is awesome...I still wish you were here. I'll try to write soon about Christmas. I miss you big brother...a lot.

Love Always,
Nikki

Still doesn't feel real

Keith-

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone as much as I miss you. Especially considering we were never that close. We were brother and sister, but we were not the first person we called when we had news to share. heather and I are those people to each other, and I think that is because we are so close in age.

For me you were the male figure I looked up to. I didn't have my dad to look up to, I had you. You were that hero I looked up. Even over there in that pic, that is probably our first pic ever together, I was four days old and I am just looking up to you. I miss you. I actually miss you picking on me. How crazy is that? I miss the razzing you used to dish out.

Things just aren't the same without you. I know we will have to learn how to live without you, but I just don't want to Keith. I know I have no option, but I am still just in shock I think. These next few weeks are going to be really difficult, so watch over us as we learn the holidays without you. This is going to be so difficult. Damn it this is not fair!

Love Always,

Nikki

The fire truck with Santa seemed empty

Keith-

Tonight in the dining hall some students were talking about how Santa came to visit on the fire truck, and it didn't hit me...not until we walked outside and right in front of me was a fire truck decked out in lights with a Santa on top waving at me. I literally stopped in my track and just broke down in tears.

Christmas was one of your favorite times of the year. I remember looking for those lights that are on your helmet in the picture over there. You got excited over silly shit like that. And I loved it.

I used to look forward to Santa with the fire truck when I was a kid, who knew that one day it would make me bawl like a baby. I miss you, and most days this doesn't seem real. I still feel like you are going to be there for Christmas...I caught myself thinking about what I would buy you for Christmas.

It hurts every day. I still ask why. I don't understand. I wish there was an answer. I wish there was some reason. I wish I knew. We all miss you so much. Christmas just isn't the same. Someone starting playing Christmas music last night and I just couldn't bare it. I keep thinking about the Christmas Story, your favorite Christmas movie and how I have avoided watching it for as long as I can remember. Now I feel like I want to watch the marathon on Christmas, because I feel like watching it will be like watching it with you. I miss you...life seems so different now. You made quite an impact on all of us.

Thinking of you today and always, I love you big brother.

Love Always,

Nikki

I miss you

Keith-

Plain and simple...I miss you! I know we didn't talk all the time, and I know that there were probably a good number of days when we didn't like each other. But I always loved you and I always looked up to you as not only my big brother but as my hero. You ran into burning buildings and saved people's lives. That's cool for any little girl to look up to a brother for.

You were my first male role model. I mean let's be serious, my dad was not someone I looked up to. He was gone before I even knew what was up. You though, you were my big brother who ran into burning buildings, yet who I knew loved me so much. Looking back at all these pictures of us growing up and the way you looked at all of us, you loved us so much. Family was so important to you.

Family life has not always been easy, we have all grown into stubborn adults, but family was always a priority. I get that now. People tell me how much my face has always lit up when I've talked about family. I never knew that. But apparently any time I would tell stories about our family, my face would just light up. Which is good, because I plan on telling a lot of people about you still. Your memory will live on in the stories. We all carry a piece of you.

I hope you are at peace, despite what it seems is going on here. Not everyone gets along, and I have tried...but I am just so ticked off at times. I miss you and it is my right to miss you. You were and are very important in my life. That is never going to go away. You will always be my big brother, there is nothing that will take that away. I know that you are watching over me with a guiding hand. I know that I have another angel on my side.

I miss you Keith so much and some days it hurts a lot.

Love Always,

Nikki

How is it December?

Keith-

I have been struggling a lot...it's December already. That means we have had two calendar months that you weren't here for, October and November. And this is the last month of the last year you were here with us. Soon the calendar will turn to 2012 and we will begin a calendar year without you. I don't know how to grasp this. I am struggling a lot.

I broke down last night watching a TV show when someone died. And I cried because they had the chance to say goodbye, we didn't. You left us so damn quickly. I know you are still with us, but I wish I could have told you how much I loved you, how much you meant to me, and how much I was going to miss you. You were a damn good big brother, and I'm not sure I ever told you that.

I'm really beating myself up over the fact that I never was able to get the four of us together for a picture for mom. I wanted to do that thing in the newspaper for Mother's Day. I wanted mom to have an adult picture of all of us. Now the last picture she has is from your wedding and that was 5 years ago.

I don't think I am letting myself grieve. I am trying too hard to be strong. I'm sad most days and I struggle to want to even get out of bed. I miss you so much!

I love you big brother!!

Love Always,

Nikki