good days and bad days

Dear Keith,

We all have good days and we have bad days. I try to make everyone think every day is a good day for me. I try to not let people see me weak. I don't want them to see the pain that lies inside me. There are people that seem to think I should be back to normal, do they realize that I lost my brother 5 months ago. That each and every day waking up is a task that is beyond difficult. I have to make a choice to get out of bed, hell I can barely even sleep. If there is a time where I should be able to sleep, I can't sleep or I can't stay asleep. It is something that has been an issue for awhile. And I mean sleep has always been an issue for me, but it is by far at its worst these days.

I am better than I was, I was pretty depressed and did a fairly good job of hiding it. These days I make the choice to get out of bed, I make the choice to get out of my apartment. I go for walks just because. I actually put time into my appearance, I want to look and feel great. I know I am coming out of the depression, but sometimes I feel like I am almost falling back to it, because you are still gone. But I making that choice.

I am lost, some days I do not know which end if up. I throw myself into things to try and hide the real feelings. The fact of the matter is that there are days I just want to lay in bed and not get up. I want to veg out and pretend that the last five months were just a huge nightmare. I don't understand at all.

There are moments too when I question what I believe in, how could God take you away. Leaving us all just heartbroken. You are gone. But Keith, I have faith, and I believe in God. I believe that there is a reason that he took you away. I cannot even begin to fathom what that reason is, and I do not have to like it. But there is a reason, there is a purpose. I don't what it is yet, but I am keeping my Faith.

Many times in my life I have not understood what God had in store, but I pray and I follow God's plan, eventually it will all work itself out and the plan will be seen. Nothing in my life has made me question as much as losing you. I cannot believe that I still say that and it is real.

Oh I hate that you are gone, like I said I don't have like his plan. I fucking hate it. I hate that I never get to see you again, I never get to hear your belly laugh, I never get to have you poke fun at me, you will never see me graduate, you will never walk me down the aisle at my future who knows when wedding. There are so many things that I will miss having you at, or just plan miss you, so I do not like it. However, I will not let the the hate drag me down and make me a person I am not proud of, and a person you wouldn't be proud of.

I have spent my life making not only Mom proud, but I have strived to make you and Chris proud to. I recently came to the realization that I looked up to you and Chris more than I ever knew I did. You know how they say that a girl ends up looking for a guy like her father, well Keith I look for a guy that reminds me of both you and Chris. Yes I know you two are polar opposites, how can I find a guy like both of you. But really you two are just polar opposites on the outside. I mean you both are in professions that helped people, you both are nice guys, you are true to yourself, you are genuine. I had amazing men to look up to in my life, both you and Chris were the male role model.

One day I will find a guy that is you and Chris rolled up into one package and he will be the person I am meant to be with. I finally feel ready to embark on that challenge, finding that guy. I still wish you were here to ask the tough questions to him, make sure he is treating me right, I wish I had you here to do those big brother things.

I fucking miss you and today is one of those days where I tried really hard to mask my pain. I wait until I am here alone to let the tears flow and just feel the pain. I have a favor though Keith, I am still your little sister and I need your guidance, let me know what I am thinking and feeling is the right path. I need you to point me in a direction. I am not sure I am seeing what I am seeing, or if I am just grasping at straws. I need a little big brother medaling in my life.

The sad part is that tomorrow I will wake up and I will just try again to mask the pain, until I find someone who I willing to sit down with me and have an honest meaningful conversation, when they ask me how I am...they will truly care about the answer. I miss having those types of conversations, the kinds of conversations that have true meaning or can be about nothing at all, but in the end I feel better. I want to sit down and have a true back and forth conversation where the person on the other side is just as invested in the conversation as I am. They care how I am, and I care how they are, they want to know my story and I want to know their story. There are few people in this world that I have met that truly intrige me and those are the people that I am dying to have a true meaningful back and forth conversation with.

I am going to be okay Keith, I want you to know that. This is not abnormal. We all will be fine. We just need to find our feet. You see this is not something we were at all prepared for. We are all learning as we go. I am trying to find peace with this and in turn let you have peace. I know you worry about me, I know that you want to look out for us all. We are trying our hardest to make peace, and figure out where to go from here. Death is not easy any time....but unexpected death takes time. We need time to figure it all out. I miss you and I didn't know I could miss you this much. We were not the type of siblings to talk every day, but I loved knowing I could call you if I needed you, knowing you would be there if I needed you and the same went both ways. I was always there when you needed someone, the best I could be. I babysat when you needed or dog sat when you needed. I did what I could do to be there for you in the way that made sense in our relationship. I'm 11 years younger it is not like you were going to take life advice from me. You had your life and you loved life. We are trying Keith, we miss you, we love you.

Watch over us and guide us. Help us all find peace and help us maintain our faith, it is hard some days because we don't see the meaning behind your death, why were you taken from us. Why did it have to happen. We question a lot. So help us.

I love you big brother, rest easy.

Love Always,

Nikki

5 months...

Dear Keith,

Five months ago I was coming home from a normal hospital run for work, crawling into bed thinking that I would wake up have an omelete and spend a normal Sunday here on campus. Little did I know it was the last night I would fall asleep while you were still alive. That next morning would change my life forever. A single phone call changed everything. Being told they did everything they could and they couldn't bring you back, is a moment I will never in my life forget.

It was five months ago, but the pain, the loss, the hurt, the grief is all still so fresh. Most days I cannot believe that this is real life, that it really happened. I secretly hope and pray when I get home for Easter, you will be there. Sadly, I look around my apartment at all the pictures and mementos and realize that my secret hope will never happen. You are gone...that is still difficult to grasp.

In these last five months I have had a lot of change in my life. Not only the obvious missing part of my life, ie you. I have made decisions about the people in my life. I have got rid of people in my life who made me feel like they were dragging me down. They made me not like the person I was. I also decided I am worth more then the guy that I thought was the one. I made a lot of excuses, but in the last three months I have healed and moved on.

I'm hurt, lost, grieving, in pain, confused, questioning...I just don't know how to deal with this all. I am trying so hard. I have someone I feel like I could truly talk to about this all...I'm just afraid to let my guard down and let them in. I need to find someone to talk to about this all, because I need to be able to let it all out.

I work so hard that most people do not see the pain and the grief. I do not want pity from anyone, but I do want to talk about this all, because I really do not understand and talking will help me make this real and figure a way to deal with it.

What I need most these days are hugs, but they lack. I need good strong hugs. I need to know I am cared for. I feel so lost and alone most of the time. Never in a million years did I ever imagine this being life. I wish you were still here. But I have to trust that God has a reason. It is literally the only way I wake up every morning and keep going. God had a reason for taking you away. He has some plan, I have to have faith.

I miss you Keith so much and hope you know that. I hope you are finding peace and able to finally rest without the earthly burdens.

Love Always,

Nikki

Really Missing You

Dear Keith,

I love this day. Well mostly...it was your wedding day. I had a good time with you this day and with your groomsmen. It was a funny day, because it was one of the first times your friends and you realized heather and I were growing up. I cracked open a beer in the limo and your friends were like "hey how old are you?" and I was like 21 and they were like "Oh my God I remember when you were this big." It was a funny moment. It was the beginning of the few years as we were adults and on the same playing field.

I find myself missing you a lot. And what hurts that most is how life goes on. I keep thinking, How can this just keep going on? Life is so different and I am unhappy in this change. But then I remember that I can't change this. I hate not being home. I hate that I can't visit the cemetery. I had planned on going home more often, but it is so difficult because of this job. I'm sitting at work tonight, when I could have been home for the weekend of something. I plan on going home for spring break and I will be home for Easter. So I will get home in March and April, and then I will be home in May, then whole month of June and then at some point I move to my new place. No clue where that is going to be. I am really struggling in that department. I am open to moving wherever, but if I am having a hard time being back here for like 7 weeks without being home, how am I going to move across the country. I can't fly home every month, that would get expensive. I don't know what to do.

I was talking about you tonight with one of the Public Safety officers, it made me miss you more. I never thought I could miss you this much. We weren't that close, I am the first to admit that. I just didn't know I had to get all the conversations with you in so soon. When I was talking to the officer, I was talking about how one of my biggest regrets was not having you teach me how to shoot a gun. I was finally getting around to wanting to learn, and I figured you would be the first person I would ask to teach me. You would have harassed me about it, but I think all in all you would have done it. Now who do I ask? I mean your buddies say if we need anything to ask, but I hate to ask. Part of the reason we didn't talk as much, I didn't want to bother you. You were always so busy and so untouchable in my eyes. I really did worship you, I don't know if you ever knew that. I was so proud of you Keith Gregory. You used to joke when Chris, heather and I would talk about school and graduation and that, and you would say you doing this or that. But you didn't need to go to college to be amazing. You had such an amazing skill set. You taught people how to be safe while protecting others.

This past week we have been dealing with a Norovirus on campus and I half picture a conversation we would of had at Easter dinner, because that is probably the next time we would have seen each other. You would have poked fun at it, and I probably would have got defensive, but we would of had a good time discussing it, even as not fun the virus is. We had a way of talking about gross crap and still making the conversations entertaining.

I keep going on with my every day life, keeping busy, because then I don't have to think about you not being here. I am going to be hit with it again at Easter when you are not there again. This doesn't seem to get easier. I miss you each and every day. And I think about all the things you are going to miss. Chris and Anne are going strong, and I know one day he wanted you to be his best man, now who does that? One of these days I am going to meet a greet guy who loves me unconditionally, who is going to harass him and make sure he is good enough, and who is going to walk me down the aisle. There are so many milestones and just average every day events that you missing. You are supposed to be here Keith. You were only 38, we were supposed to have time left. So many moments we were robbed of.

The part that I hate the most is I know that we are going to have a new routine and have new traditions and they are going to be without you. I hate to think that we are going to laugh and carrying on without you there with that belly laugh. Keith I miss that belly laugh, and I forget the way your voice sounded. I wish I still had that funny voicemail you left me on my birthday back when I worked at camp. That message was at least 6 or 7 years old and I still remember it and it is the last voicemail I can remember you leaving me. You were hilarious in it and I think you even laughed. What I would give to hear that right now. I was too scared to call your cell when it was still your number, now it isn't, so I can't call and listen to your voice. I miss you Keith, spend some time with me this week. I need to feel your presence around me, I am missing you a lot.

Rest easy brother...we are slowly but surely finding a way to carry on. You are missed and will never be forgotten, we will find a way to live in your memory.

I love you Keith always have and always will. I'm proud that you were MY big brother and no one can ever take that away from me. You were family and our family as dysfunctional as it can be, is a tight knit family. You don't mess with our family because we are a fierce bunch to deal with. You are missed.

Love Always,

Nikki

It's been awhile

Keith-

It's been awhile...and I am sorry that I haven't been able to write. There isn't a day that passes that you are not on my mind. There are things that make me think of you or memories. It's really difficult though. I know that I am not fully processing everything. It's four and a half months Keith...that doesn't seem possible. Plus this is now a time of year that I would barely talk to you normally. So sometimes it feels like life is normal again. And Easter is around the corner, and I get to see you. It's really hard to grasp, that is never going to happen again.

I am never going to be able to send you a text on your birthday. I am never going to see you at any family dinner. We don't get to compare phones or apps. I will never get another high priority text on my birthday, or funny message. I know I have said this, but it still doesn't feel real.

I thought of you a few times today, first I got sad when I filled out my taxes...odd I know...especially seeing as I get a nice refund...but one of the last question asks if the person who it is being filled out for died in 2011. And I realized that your taxes will be filled for the last time ever. And that made me sad. I still can't believe we are in the year 2012 and it is a year that wasn't lucky enough to have you in it. Then I decided to watch Campus PD tonight, which I haven't done in awhile. And I think that you and I could have really enjoyed watching that together. It was like a blending of our worlds. You with the legal part of it, and me with the college kid part of it. I really wish we would of had a chance to really sit and talk about life, because there were parts of our lives that overlapped in ways I never realized and I know you didn't either. I mean I was just your little sister, and with the age difference it was probably difficult to think of me working a job that had any similarities. I know I am still living on a college campus, but I do not lead that college lifestyle, in fact I get people in trouble who live that lifestyle.

It just reminds me of what we lost out on. I've said it a million times, I feel like we were just settling into our lives as adults and I could see this awesome future. Sitting at family meals and having real conversations. This sucks so much Keith Gregory. I try not to get upset, because what good is that, but I'm upset that I feel like I was robbed of so much. I miss you so much and wish we had a chance to talk about more.

I often was intimidated around you, I didn't want to sound dumb, I wanted to sound cool. I wanted to say something important, or I wanted you to want to have a conversation with me. I looked up to you so much, you were my hero, my idol. I miss your laugh, that belly laugh that was just infectious.

I just wanted to take a minute to write to you since it has been so long. I needed to let you know that you are not forgotten and never will be. I promise to try and update more often. Maybe a pic with a short memory or something. This is my hardest semester yet. In less than 3 months I graduate with my Master's. Another difficult thing. This was going to be a big year for me, well it still is. I really wanted you to be a part of it. I wanted you there when I graduate. I had actually planned on talking to you about my job search. I am looking all over the country and thought that maybe you could give me opinions of different placed. I know you will be there when I graduate watching over me, and I know you will help guide me in my job search, but it's not the same.

I'm missing you a lot. I still have so many questions. It's not fair Keith. I hope you know how much I love you, and how much you will forever be a part of my life. I can't wait until I move and can put up pictures from childhood and adulthood and of you and just really have you as a presence in my house. This apartment is a mess and I have to start packing soon.

I know you watch over me, but Keith I need you. I am lost, and scared about the unknown future. I have a lot on my plate in the next three months. I can't believe how much I have to do in that short time. So please spend some time with me.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki