One Year and Still Wondering Why

So a year has passed. I really wanted to try and post yesterday but I just counted put words together. This entire week is difficult, because last year it really was an entire week. The nightmare began on September 25, 2011 and I can't say that it has ended nor will it ever end. I know that life must go on, and I will find a way to carry on, and I have, but I still cannot grasp this whole new reality. That series of phone calls literally changed my life, and I was taught that a split second can change everything.

This day a year ago was also difficult. I got the phone call on that Sunday morning and by late afternoon I was on the wrong train headed to Washington D.C. rather than Lancaster. Luckily the first stop on both routes is Philadelphia and I was able to get onto the right train and then home to Lancaster by early evening. That evening we were at Aunt Jackie's and we ate dinner and then got word that it was going to be on the evening news. Hearing your name that first time on the news and seeing your picture was so surreal. However the next morning was even worse. The news broke every 30 min during the Today's Show and announced your death all over again. I had to listen to the newcasters tell me every 30 minutes that you had died and how you died. I do not know why we didn't turn the channel and why we listened to it each time. Maybe we were hoping if we stayed tuned they would tell us that the story wasn't real and that you weren't really dead.

The next days included planning the funeral, meeting with the minister, the viewing, the service and the burial. Each day was difficult for different reasons. And each day built onto what the rest of the year would include. There is always a new challenge. We've now hit all the annual first. We had the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first New Year, the first birthdays, we had our first BBQ without you. The only first we have are the special occasions, which no matter if they are the first or fifth they will be difficult. I cannot believe that it has been an entire year and so much has happened.

I am still angry, and sometimes I wish I wasn't. I do not want to taint Keith's death with such anger. But I am so pissed that he is gone. I hate that he could have helped it, be could have taken better care of himself. I hate that a little change would have given us more time. I try not to be angry and try to celebrate his life.

I did that yesterday. I had plans to take a walk and take pictures because that is a hobby both Keith and I shared...but a thunderstorm tried to change my plans. So instead I slept in and then when the weather cleared I went for a walk and took pictures, which I need to upload off my camera. Then I went out to dinner with some friends and had a drink for Keith.

I miss him more than words can express and I cried a lot yesterday because it is still unfair, and I still ask why...I do not understand. I don't know that I will ever understand, but I do know that I have to come to grasp with this or I will not be able to function and live my life.

It Was Only Last Year

This picture was taken in May 2006 at Keith's Wedding. This is the last posed shot we have of the four of us together. I had been trying to figure out a way to get together to do one of those Mother's Day Photo Shoots for the local paper, but it never ended up working. So this is what we have. It is hard to believe that just one short year ago, this was still us. We could have recreated this. Keith was still here one year ago today. Little did we know that it would be his last full day here on Earth. It is very difficult to swallow that Keith has been gone almost one full year. Today also brings my biggest regret. You see the night before his last night, so earlier morning on Sept 24, 2011 I messaged both Chris and heather, and didn't message Keith. The sad part of this, is that it wasn't abnormal. As we've grown older heather and I have become closer and talked much more frequently, so I posted on her Facebook wall that I missed him and loved her. Then Chris I messaged him on Facebook to tell him that he should come to visit me. I could have easily messaged Keith, but I didn't have anything to say. I could have told him to visit me, but he probably wouldn't have. We didn't talk much outside of family gatherings and holidays.

I know that I could have never known that it would have been my last chance to tell him that I loved him, but it is still one of my biggest regrets. I just have to hope and pray that Keith knew that I loved him. From this I have learned to say and do everything that can be done today, because tomorrow is not promised to anyone. It may be the last chance you get to to say it or do it.

A year ago and it still feels so damn fresh. So instead of writing a lot here, I am just going to add some photos.

another family shot of us

We were cute kids

The 4 of us in a Wheatland Fire Company Engine

Again cute kids

Keith was probably sick of pictures and here heather and I are hamming it up!

A picture is worth a thousand words

It is funny I do not even remember the day this picture was taken. I know that Keith won a metal for Cross Country, but I couldn't tell you anything else about this day. Yet this picture means so much to me now. It is a photograph that clearly shows how much I loved my brother. I was holding onto his hand and so proud of what he did. I mean I was a ham as a child and probably enjoyed the fact that there was a lot of pictures being taken, and of course wanted to be in some of them.

Now this picture I can tell you I do not remember at all. I was I believe 4 days old, or at least that is what the back of the picture says. But look at the way I am looking up a Keith, it started early that I looked up to him and admired him. Now in reality Keith was probably pinching me and I was looking at him. You see Keith wanted another brother when I was born, so I am unsure at this point if he was still pissed off that I was a girl. None the less, I looked up to him from the beginning and it had more to do than just the fact that he was always taller than me.

I wish I had more distinct memories of Keith when we were growing up. It was difficult because by the time I really started remembering things as a child, Keith was already a teenager. I had a realization the other night, that for as long as I literally can remember Keith was a firefighter. He joined LTFD as a junior member in his early teens, and he is 11 years older than me, so by the time I started retaining memories he was already a firefighter.

Part of the reason I do not have distinct memories too though is because we grew up in separate houses. This fact never bothered me until recently, because while I remember Sunday dinners with Papa Dino's pizza, birthday parties, holidays and other family get togethers. It was rare that I ran downstairs and saw Keith watching TV or catch him talking on the phone to his girlfriend at the time. Some things that are so normal to some people, it was just never part of my life. It was always normal to me that we lived in two separate houses and yet our lives were intertwined.

However, the reason I think I found it difficult to talk to Keith as adult, is because we never really did growing up. Never just talked to talk. We were always at a party or get together or there were lots of people there. I remember always wanting to impress him because he was so cool and his friends were so cool. It is so funny to think about how I literally idolized him.

This picture now means a lot too, because this is the last picture I have of Keith and I together. I cropped out Chris and heather, to be able to have a picture with just us. He was always the shutterbug behind the camera so there are more pictures of others not him

Keith-

I hate how pictures are what I have now. Just pictures. I wish that I had something else of his. I am fairly crafty, so there is probably something I could come up with that would be awesome from just about anything of his that I could get my hands on. I know they still need to go through his room at Aunt Jackie's so I may be able to find something. But this is not how it should be. I should be able to call you, text you, see you, eat with you, laugh with you.

This time last year I could do those things. I was on the phone with Mom the other night and she said the same thing, this time last year she could call you. We all miss you so much, and while we are very aware that life goes on, we don't like this new normal. That when we are having a family meal we don't have to try and work it around your schedule. I can't believe that is is almost a year. Almost a full year without you. It's not fair. I still struggle with the why.

I have always been the person who finds the positive in everything, it is part of my charm. It is something that I turn everything around and find that silver lining in a shitty circumstance. Well this is one thing that I cannot even begin to try and find the silver lining. I mean the only positive I have been able to say is that if you would have had the heart attack and survived and been told that you couldn't fight fires anymore, well that would not have been a life you would have loved. You would have complained about having to lose weight and eat better, but that I think you could have been okay with at some point. Because all you would have had to learn is moderation. However, firefighting was your life. There is no way that living without doing that would make you happy.

Yes there are people that have gotten healthier because you were a wake up call for them. That is not a silver lining for me. Maybe for them, but not for me. I plan on getting healthy, but that is something that has always been in the plans. I mean I did try to get you to audition for the Biggest Loser with me. Well I may have joked about it, but I was serious. We would have been a hilarious team, and probably would have kicked ass. And made great TV in the process because we also probably would have yelled at each other. Like I could have seen you taking advantage of a Temptation Challenge and me yelling at you, and then you yelling at me for doing something dumb.

What I would give to have one of our heated disagreements...just because that would mean that you were still here. Most of all though I would give anything to hear your laugh. Those are the memories that I go to often, just remembering your laugh and the stories that came before it, or tickling Chris. Keith you are missed so much for so many reasons.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you and hug you. Something that I rarely did and wish I did more often, little did I know how precious time was. I miss you Keith. As always watch over us and protect us. This is going to be a difficult week, we are going to need to know that our guardian angel is right there with us.

Love Always,
Nikki

memories

So I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a burn or a smokeout or been to some type of fire something. I have stood at the end of a live scene. Many things I have probably taken for granted in my years. Most people probably do not find significance if any of those things. However, every single time I see anything related to fire safety or anything that has a fire dept response I miss my brother more than anything. Keith used tog go to elementary schools with the smokeout house, where you crawl through the house as a live simulation of what it would be like to be in a house with fire. Fire safety is something that has forever been a part of my life, so I used to not take that seriously when I was a kid. It was a no brainer for me...in fact I remember the time that we had a fire in our house and it was filled with smoke and mom opened the backdoor to let it out. When I got home I was like really mom oxygen feeds fire.

Keith being a firefighter was something that was always a part of my life. He started running at like 14 or 15 years old, and that means I was 3 or 4. So literally almost every memory I have of Keith he was a firefighter and as he became older it was his life. He was passionate about it, and he loved what he did. It was always funny when we were over at Aunt Jackie's and we were all in the living room but Keith was up on the 3rd floor and we'd hear the scanner go off and it was just this familiar thing to hear him start his run down the stairs, putting shoes on as he ran out the door, and his keys were always sitting on top of the chair inside the door. Mom would yell for him to be careful and he'd be off.

I remember being at the fire house from time to time, and pictures of us in the fire trucks. We knew fire safety that was just our life. We knew no different. So now anytime I see something like the picture above it is like a bonding moment with Keith, because I know about that because of him. So yesterday I went to the live burn exercise that they have a truck that is set up like a residence hall room and they show how quickly it can burn.

It was really difficult not being at the ceremony on Tuesday with the entire family to remember Keith, but this was my way. I am not going to lie and say that it was easy to go to that burn. Keith was in a live burn drill when he passed away. Not nearly the same thing, but even just the title of it. And to feel that fire and smell that smoke, it was difficult. However, it was something I needed to do. It was something I did for me. I am stronger than I think some days. I am starting to realize though that I really need to allow myself to grieve. As I tell people about Keith, I try to keep my composure and I only let my eyes glisten, I do not allow myself to fully let go. I think in order to truly grieve I need to allow myself to show my emotion.

This week getting out of bed has been really difficult. I think because of the ceremony on Tuesday and just knowing that it is less than 2 weeks until the year mark. This morning was probably the most difficult and I blame it on exhaustion but really I got more than normal. I have to figure out what I am going to do on the 25th. I have a few ideas, but not sure. I am taking that day off of work because I would be helpful to no one.   My latest idea is to sleep in a little and then dress in my memorial shirt and go out and take pictures. Something Keith enjoyed doing, so maybe I can just walk around campus lost in my thoughts with my camera.

I still have time to decide...still wish I didn't have to think about it and this wasn't reality. However, I know that it is and that I have to learn to come to grasp with the fact that it is in fact reality.

It is difficult to be so far away...

Dear Keith,

This month really has me struggling with my decision to move so far away from home. I've been homesick because I just want to be with family and people that really understand what the last year has been like. Yesterday was by far the hardest day to be away. The entire family was together for the unveiling of your name on the Lancaster Country Public Service Memorial. It feels weird being the only one not there. I wanted to be there, but being almost 10 hours away driving straight through, I am a bit of a distance. I will make sure to visit the Memorial when I am home over Christmas. I still wish I could have been there with everyone.

Keith so many people are proud of you and miss you. We are just shy of one year and your loss is still so fresh and hurts. There are many people that can't seem to grasp this. I am one of them. I see a picture with you in and my heart aches because I just want to come home and be able to hear you razz me about anything. And Keith I just want to hear you laugh again. Every time I see your name etched in something it makes it more real.

It is hard to believe that this pic was taken just last year at the 9/11 Parade. In one years time you went from the presence on the back of a fire truck giving one of your many scowls to whoever was taking this pic to a name etched in granite. In a single moment our lives can change forever. I have learned this lesson so well in the last year. However while the whole world changed in a matter of a split second, it takes much longer for that to become reality and be able to fully grasp the idea of it.

I think Chris had the lesson this year on his birthday. He had no siblings with him on his birthday, which is probably a first for any of us. Other than times when we were off to doing something or other, but whenever the family got together to celebrate the birthday at least one of us was there for each other. This year I had already moved to Kentucky and had work and heather was at the beach. So he had no siblings with him for this birthday celebration.

We miss you in the simple ways, just your presence. I also missed this year getting a birthday card picked our by you. You always picked the best cards, we used to talk about that all the time. We knew when you were dating whoever you were dating or even once you were married that the lady in your life picked out the gifts more often than not for all the ladies in our family. But we knew that card it was hand picked by you. It was always funny, and you always laughed with us when we read it.

That laugh is probably what I miss most. I talk about that often, but I am serious when I say that. When I think of you I often think of any time you were in one of your laughing fits, to the point where you were laughing so hard we could barely hear you, and your eyes would water and then you would pinch the brim of your nose. Oh that laugh, what I would do to go back and just be able to hear that.

For so many years I wasn't sure what I believed as far as the afterlife. I knew that according to our religion I believed in Heaven. However, I never thought about it. While I have seen many people in my life pass away, I always pushed away that thought. Until you Keith, I have to believe in Heaven, I have to believe in an Afterlife. I have to believe that you are up there watching over all of us. I believe that I now have the best guardian angel up there. I don't care what anyone says, the fact that I have you looking out for me and for our entire family. I call us lucky. I know there are a lot of us, but keep a watch over us all.

I know as this year mark quickly approaches a lot of people are going to need you to be with them. Just make sure to make it here to Kentucky, because I'm not going to have everyone around me that day. It is going to be similar to the day I found out. I was alone in New Jersey, waking up to that first phone call from Mom telling me that something happened to you and that she was on the way to the hospital and would call with more details. And then hearing Lauren utter those words...all alone. Nothing felt better than coming home that day, but it already felt empty because you weren't there anymore.

I went to Aunt Jackie's and all I could do was look up the street to your house where you truck was supposed to be parked and hoping I would just see you run out the door to a fire call. No such luck, that day starting our new reality. I still do not have a grasp on it. But I wake up each day to try and make you as proud of me as I am of the man that you are. Keith even a year later there is such an impact that you make on the fire community in Lancaster, and you will for many many years.

Just know that I miss you very much Keith and that there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and wish that there was a way to erase this whole year.

Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki