So a year has passed. I really wanted to try and post yesterday but I just counted put words together. This entire week is difficult, because last year it really was an entire week. The nightmare began on September 25, 2011 and I can't say that it has ended nor will it ever end. I know that life must go on, and I will find a way to carry on, and I have, but I still cannot grasp this whole new reality. That series of phone calls literally changed my life, and I was taught that a split second can change everything.
This day a year ago was also difficult. I got the phone call on that Sunday morning and by late afternoon I was on the wrong train headed to Washington D.C. rather than Lancaster. Luckily the first stop on both routes is Philadelphia and I was able to get onto the right train and then home to Lancaster by early evening. That evening we were at Aunt Jackie's and we ate dinner and then got word that it was going to be on the evening news. Hearing your name that first time on the news and seeing your picture was so surreal. However the next morning was even worse. The news broke every 30 min during the Today's Show and announced your death all over again. I had to listen to the newcasters tell me every 30 minutes that you had died and how you died. I do not know why we didn't turn the channel and why we listened to it each time. Maybe we were hoping if we stayed tuned they would tell us that the story wasn't real and that you weren't really dead.
The next days included planning the funeral, meeting with the minister, the viewing, the service and the burial. Each day was difficult for different reasons. And each day built onto what the rest of the year would include. There is always a new challenge. We've now hit all the annual first. We had the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first New Year, the first birthdays, we had our first BBQ without you. The only first we have are the special occasions, which no matter if they are the first or fifth they will be difficult. I cannot believe that it has been an entire year and so much has happened.
I am still angry, and sometimes I wish I wasn't. I do not want to taint Keith's death with such anger. But I am so pissed that he is gone. I hate that he could have helped it, be could have taken better care of himself. I hate that a little change would have given us more time. I try not to be angry and try to celebrate his life.
I did that yesterday. I had plans to take a walk and take pictures because that is a hobby both Keith and I shared...but a thunderstorm tried to change my plans. So instead I slept in and then when the weather cleared I went for a walk and took pictures, which I need to upload off my camera. Then I went out to dinner with some friends and had a drink for Keith.
I miss him more than words can express and I cried a lot yesterday because it is still unfair, and I still ask why...I do not understand. I don't know that I will ever understand, but I do know that I have to come to grasp with this or I will not be able to function and live my life.
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