Dear Keith,
It has once again been awhile since I last wrote. This time I have a really good excuse...I moved to Kentucky! heather and I packed all my stuff up in a Penske truck and drove overnight to my new home. I have said for years that I wanted to do a national job search and that I wanted to spread my wings and fly, and I really think that losing you was the push I needed to actually do it.
Life is so short, you surely have taught me that lesson. And this is the time for me to do this. I am young, single and have nothing tying me down, so why not? I have only been here about a week and a half, but I am truly happy. I feel this is where I am supposed to be, and that I can do good things here.
The days do not get easier. I guess they may be a little easier, because I can get out of bed and live each day. However, there are days where getting out of bed is difficult. I just do not want life to be reality. I fear that my moving away will make it easier to pretend like it isn't real. That is not healthy and I am very aware of that. Aware that I have to learn to accept the fact that you are no longer walking this earth with me. Our worldly journey together is over. I live each day to make you proud of me.
I do not know if you ever realized how much I looked up to you, and how much you really mean to me. My dad was never around and not a man I would want to live up to, you and Chris though you were two men that I wanted to live up to, and I have always wanted to find a man that could live up to the picture of a great man that you two gave me. You and Chris are very difficult people and I love you both. Together you two have characteristics that make a guy amazing.
My tattoo on my foot of your helmet has started many conversations with my new co-workers, and has made telling them so much easier. I didn't want to be "that girl", the girl that people feel sorry for. This is my fresh start, no one knows anything about me, and it is just a clean slate to be the best me I can be. And by no means am I ashamed of you, I just want people to know me and not feel sorry for me. Yes, I lost my brother, but that moment is not defining my life. I know you would not want it that way. I know you would be so pissed off if life stopped on September 25, 2011. We will all find a way to live on and carry on your memory.
I love talking about you though, these conversations that my tattoo has started have meant so much to me. I love being able to tell people about my big brother, my hero. I will never get sick of talking about you and telling people about the man you were. The humble man, the family man, the big brother who poked fun at me, while loving me unconditionally. It is going to break my heart the day I have to tell my future kids about their Uncle Keith, but I will love telling them about you, and finding a way to make you come alive to them.
When I write these, I never want to stop writing...it is like my connection to you. Do me a favor make your rounds, make sure everyone is okay. Check in on mom, she is taking it hard that I moved so far away. Make sure to watch over heather too. Check in on me too, I need to feel you around me sometimes too. I know you have a lot of people to watch over up there, but I need you sometimes.
I miss you more than words can express and I wish I could have expressed them to you when you were still here. I just hope you know now how much you mean to all of us. We were a family that argued like we loved, with passion. I love you Keith, every day and always.
Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
It's been too long
Dear Keith,
It's been entirely too long since I have written...I still struggle with the reality of this whole situation, and I feel like if I don't write and if I don't focus on it, it won't be real. Summer is difficult because I usually would see you so much. Yet I still try to pretend like it isn't real. I try to keep it together too because I know that I have to be strong.
Me moving away is taxing on me. I feel like I am leaving you. You are forever here, and I am moving away. The worst part is that it will make pretending it isn't real easier. I've always said that for me my day to day life didn't change, so it has been easier to pretend like it isn't real. Now with me a good 10 hours from home, it will be simple to pretend.
I need you to make sure you watch over mom when I move though. She feels like she has lost two children with me moving. I am trying everything I can do to make this easier on her, but it is difficult. Our family is a let's move down the block type of family, or at least staying close by or a simple drive. I was selfish in doing this, I need to do this for myself.
Make sure to keep an eye on me too Keith. There are going to be some rough times ahead. Things that shouldn't make me sad are going to. Heather and I are driving to Kentucky with all of my things and you are the first person I'd think to call if we got lost. We are driving overnight, you would already be up and have a good laugh at us. I saw yesterday that they do a live burn as part of training. Now the live burn is different than the live burns you were a part of, but I will watch a live burn. That is going to be difficult to watch. Knowing the last thing you did on this earth was a live burn.
Keith I just miss you, more than I ever thought I could. You may have been a pain in the ass big brother, but such an important part of my life. This doesn't get any easy and I still have days where I get pissed off. It isn't fair. You were so young, and now forever young. Frozen in time at the age of 38, I'll get gray and wrinkly, while you already started to turn gray, that process is over. Not fair Keith, not fair.
No matter how much it seems like you are forgotten with the gap in my letters, you are never forgotten. Everyone misses you, and loves you. You will live on in those who love you. I hear they put a radio in the fire truck like you always wanted. I bet they did it so when they turn it on they think of how much you probably bitched and moaned that you wanted it. And then they smile knowing that you were on that call with them. While you are watching over people, make sure to watch over your brothers in the department, it has been a busy week during a heat wave.
I miss you and love you more than I was ever able to tell you.
Love Always,
Nikki
It's been entirely too long since I have written...I still struggle with the reality of this whole situation, and I feel like if I don't write and if I don't focus on it, it won't be real. Summer is difficult because I usually would see you so much. Yet I still try to pretend like it isn't real. I try to keep it together too because I know that I have to be strong.
Me moving away is taxing on me. I feel like I am leaving you. You are forever here, and I am moving away. The worst part is that it will make pretending it isn't real easier. I've always said that for me my day to day life didn't change, so it has been easier to pretend like it isn't real. Now with me a good 10 hours from home, it will be simple to pretend.
I need you to make sure you watch over mom when I move though. She feels like she has lost two children with me moving. I am trying everything I can do to make this easier on her, but it is difficult. Our family is a let's move down the block type of family, or at least staying close by or a simple drive. I was selfish in doing this, I need to do this for myself.
Make sure to keep an eye on me too Keith. There are going to be some rough times ahead. Things that shouldn't make me sad are going to. Heather and I are driving to Kentucky with all of my things and you are the first person I'd think to call if we got lost. We are driving overnight, you would already be up and have a good laugh at us. I saw yesterday that they do a live burn as part of training. Now the live burn is different than the live burns you were a part of, but I will watch a live burn. That is going to be difficult to watch. Knowing the last thing you did on this earth was a live burn.
Keith I just miss you, more than I ever thought I could. You may have been a pain in the ass big brother, but such an important part of my life. This doesn't get any easy and I still have days where I get pissed off. It isn't fair. You were so young, and now forever young. Frozen in time at the age of 38, I'll get gray and wrinkly, while you already started to turn gray, that process is over. Not fair Keith, not fair.
No matter how much it seems like you are forgotten with the gap in my letters, you are never forgotten. Everyone misses you, and loves you. You will live on in those who love you. I hear they put a radio in the fire truck like you always wanted. I bet they did it so when they turn it on they think of how much you probably bitched and moaned that you wanted it. And then they smile knowing that you were on that call with them. While you are watching over people, make sure to watch over your brothers in the department, it has been a busy week during a heat wave.
I miss you and love you more than I was ever able to tell you.
Love Always,
Nikki
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