It's been too long

Dear Keith,

It's been entirely too long since I have written...I still struggle with the reality of this whole situation, and I feel like if I don't write and if I don't focus on it, it won't be real. Summer is difficult because I usually would see you so much. Yet I still try to pretend like it isn't real. I try to keep it together too because I know that I have to be strong.

Me moving away is taxing on me. I feel like I am leaving you. You are forever here, and I am moving away. The worst part is that it will make pretending it isn't real easier. I've always said that for me my day to day life didn't change, so it has been easier to pretend like it isn't real. Now with me a good 10 hours from home, it will be simple to pretend.

I need you to make sure  you watch over mom when I move though. She feels like she has lost two children with me moving. I am trying everything I can do to make this easier on her, but it is difficult. Our family is a let's move down the block type of family, or at least staying close by or a simple drive. I was selfish in doing this, I need to do this for myself.

Make sure to keep an eye on me too Keith. There are going to be some rough times ahead. Things that shouldn't make me sad are going to. Heather and I are driving to Kentucky with all of my things and you are the first person I'd think to call if we got lost. We are driving overnight, you would already be up and have a good laugh at us. I saw yesterday that they do a live burn as part of training. Now the live burn is different than the live burns you were a part of, but I will watch a live burn. That is going to be difficult to watch. Knowing the last thing you did on this earth was a live burn.

Keith I just miss you, more than I ever thought I could. You may have been a pain in the ass big brother, but such an important part of my life. This doesn't get any easy and I still have days where I get pissed off. It isn't fair. You were so young, and now forever young. Frozen in time at the age of 38, I'll get gray and wrinkly, while you already started to turn gray, that process is over. Not fair Keith, not fair.

No matter how much it seems like you are forgotten with the gap in my letters, you are never forgotten. Everyone misses you, and loves you. You will live on in those who love you. I hear they put a radio in the fire truck like you always wanted. I bet they did it so when they turn it on they think of how much you probably bitched and moaned that you wanted it. And then they smile knowing that you were on that call with them. While you are watching over people, make sure to watch over your brothers in the department, it has been a busy week during a heat wave.

I miss you and love you more than I was ever able to tell you.

Love Always,
Nikki