One Year and Still Wondering Why

So a year has passed. I really wanted to try and post yesterday but I just counted put words together. This entire week is difficult, because last year it really was an entire week. The nightmare began on September 25, 2011 and I can't say that it has ended nor will it ever end. I know that life must go on, and I will find a way to carry on, and I have, but I still cannot grasp this whole new reality. That series of phone calls literally changed my life, and I was taught that a split second can change everything.

This day a year ago was also difficult. I got the phone call on that Sunday morning and by late afternoon I was on the wrong train headed to Washington D.C. rather than Lancaster. Luckily the first stop on both routes is Philadelphia and I was able to get onto the right train and then home to Lancaster by early evening. That evening we were at Aunt Jackie's and we ate dinner and then got word that it was going to be on the evening news. Hearing your name that first time on the news and seeing your picture was so surreal. However the next morning was even worse. The news broke every 30 min during the Today's Show and announced your death all over again. I had to listen to the newcasters tell me every 30 minutes that you had died and how you died. I do not know why we didn't turn the channel and why we listened to it each time. Maybe we were hoping if we stayed tuned they would tell us that the story wasn't real and that you weren't really dead.

The next days included planning the funeral, meeting with the minister, the viewing, the service and the burial. Each day was difficult for different reasons. And each day built onto what the rest of the year would include. There is always a new challenge. We've now hit all the annual first. We had the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first New Year, the first birthdays, we had our first BBQ without you. The only first we have are the special occasions, which no matter if they are the first or fifth they will be difficult. I cannot believe that it has been an entire year and so much has happened.

I am still angry, and sometimes I wish I wasn't. I do not want to taint Keith's death with such anger. But I am so pissed that he is gone. I hate that he could have helped it, be could have taken better care of himself. I hate that a little change would have given us more time. I try not to be angry and try to celebrate his life.

I did that yesterday. I had plans to take a walk and take pictures because that is a hobby both Keith and I shared...but a thunderstorm tried to change my plans. So instead I slept in and then when the weather cleared I went for a walk and took pictures, which I need to upload off my camera. Then I went out to dinner with some friends and had a drink for Keith.

I miss him more than words can express and I cried a lot yesterday because it is still unfair, and I still ask why...I do not understand. I don't know that I will ever understand, but I do know that I have to come to grasp with this or I will not be able to function and live my life.

It Was Only Last Year

This picture was taken in May 2006 at Keith's Wedding. This is the last posed shot we have of the four of us together. I had been trying to figure out a way to get together to do one of those Mother's Day Photo Shoots for the local paper, but it never ended up working. So this is what we have. It is hard to believe that just one short year ago, this was still us. We could have recreated this. Keith was still here one year ago today. Little did we know that it would be his last full day here on Earth. It is very difficult to swallow that Keith has been gone almost one full year. Today also brings my biggest regret. You see the night before his last night, so earlier morning on Sept 24, 2011 I messaged both Chris and heather, and didn't message Keith. The sad part of this, is that it wasn't abnormal. As we've grown older heather and I have become closer and talked much more frequently, so I posted on her Facebook wall that I missed him and loved her. Then Chris I messaged him on Facebook to tell him that he should come to visit me. I could have easily messaged Keith, but I didn't have anything to say. I could have told him to visit me, but he probably wouldn't have. We didn't talk much outside of family gatherings and holidays.

I know that I could have never known that it would have been my last chance to tell him that I loved him, but it is still one of my biggest regrets. I just have to hope and pray that Keith knew that I loved him. From this I have learned to say and do everything that can be done today, because tomorrow is not promised to anyone. It may be the last chance you get to to say it or do it.

A year ago and it still feels so damn fresh. So instead of writing a lot here, I am just going to add some photos.

another family shot of us

We were cute kids

The 4 of us in a Wheatland Fire Company Engine

Again cute kids

Keith was probably sick of pictures and here heather and I are hamming it up!

A picture is worth a thousand words

It is funny I do not even remember the day this picture was taken. I know that Keith won a metal for Cross Country, but I couldn't tell you anything else about this day. Yet this picture means so much to me now. It is a photograph that clearly shows how much I loved my brother. I was holding onto his hand and so proud of what he did. I mean I was a ham as a child and probably enjoyed the fact that there was a lot of pictures being taken, and of course wanted to be in some of them.

Now this picture I can tell you I do not remember at all. I was I believe 4 days old, or at least that is what the back of the picture says. But look at the way I am looking up a Keith, it started early that I looked up to him and admired him. Now in reality Keith was probably pinching me and I was looking at him. You see Keith wanted another brother when I was born, so I am unsure at this point if he was still pissed off that I was a girl. None the less, I looked up to him from the beginning and it had more to do than just the fact that he was always taller than me.

I wish I had more distinct memories of Keith when we were growing up. It was difficult because by the time I really started remembering things as a child, Keith was already a teenager. I had a realization the other night, that for as long as I literally can remember Keith was a firefighter. He joined LTFD as a junior member in his early teens, and he is 11 years older than me, so by the time I started retaining memories he was already a firefighter.

Part of the reason I do not have distinct memories too though is because we grew up in separate houses. This fact never bothered me until recently, because while I remember Sunday dinners with Papa Dino's pizza, birthday parties, holidays and other family get togethers. It was rare that I ran downstairs and saw Keith watching TV or catch him talking on the phone to his girlfriend at the time. Some things that are so normal to some people, it was just never part of my life. It was always normal to me that we lived in two separate houses and yet our lives were intertwined.

However, the reason I think I found it difficult to talk to Keith as adult, is because we never really did growing up. Never just talked to talk. We were always at a party or get together or there were lots of people there. I remember always wanting to impress him because he was so cool and his friends were so cool. It is so funny to think about how I literally idolized him.

This picture now means a lot too, because this is the last picture I have of Keith and I together. I cropped out Chris and heather, to be able to have a picture with just us. He was always the shutterbug behind the camera so there are more pictures of others not him

Keith-

I hate how pictures are what I have now. Just pictures. I wish that I had something else of his. I am fairly crafty, so there is probably something I could come up with that would be awesome from just about anything of his that I could get my hands on. I know they still need to go through his room at Aunt Jackie's so I may be able to find something. But this is not how it should be. I should be able to call you, text you, see you, eat with you, laugh with you.

This time last year I could do those things. I was on the phone with Mom the other night and she said the same thing, this time last year she could call you. We all miss you so much, and while we are very aware that life goes on, we don't like this new normal. That when we are having a family meal we don't have to try and work it around your schedule. I can't believe that is is almost a year. Almost a full year without you. It's not fair. I still struggle with the why.

I have always been the person who finds the positive in everything, it is part of my charm. It is something that I turn everything around and find that silver lining in a shitty circumstance. Well this is one thing that I cannot even begin to try and find the silver lining. I mean the only positive I have been able to say is that if you would have had the heart attack and survived and been told that you couldn't fight fires anymore, well that would not have been a life you would have loved. You would have complained about having to lose weight and eat better, but that I think you could have been okay with at some point. Because all you would have had to learn is moderation. However, firefighting was your life. There is no way that living without doing that would make you happy.

Yes there are people that have gotten healthier because you were a wake up call for them. That is not a silver lining for me. Maybe for them, but not for me. I plan on getting healthy, but that is something that has always been in the plans. I mean I did try to get you to audition for the Biggest Loser with me. Well I may have joked about it, but I was serious. We would have been a hilarious team, and probably would have kicked ass. And made great TV in the process because we also probably would have yelled at each other. Like I could have seen you taking advantage of a Temptation Challenge and me yelling at you, and then you yelling at me for doing something dumb.

What I would give to have one of our heated disagreements...just because that would mean that you were still here. Most of all though I would give anything to hear your laugh. Those are the memories that I go to often, just remembering your laugh and the stories that came before it, or tickling Chris. Keith you are missed so much for so many reasons.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you and hug you. Something that I rarely did and wish I did more often, little did I know how precious time was. I miss you Keith. As always watch over us and protect us. This is going to be a difficult week, we are going to need to know that our guardian angel is right there with us.

Love Always,
Nikki

memories

So I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a burn or a smokeout or been to some type of fire something. I have stood at the end of a live scene. Many things I have probably taken for granted in my years. Most people probably do not find significance if any of those things. However, every single time I see anything related to fire safety or anything that has a fire dept response I miss my brother more than anything. Keith used tog go to elementary schools with the smokeout house, where you crawl through the house as a live simulation of what it would be like to be in a house with fire. Fire safety is something that has forever been a part of my life, so I used to not take that seriously when I was a kid. It was a no brainer for me...in fact I remember the time that we had a fire in our house and it was filled with smoke and mom opened the backdoor to let it out. When I got home I was like really mom oxygen feeds fire.

Keith being a firefighter was something that was always a part of my life. He started running at like 14 or 15 years old, and that means I was 3 or 4. So literally almost every memory I have of Keith he was a firefighter and as he became older it was his life. He was passionate about it, and he loved what he did. It was always funny when we were over at Aunt Jackie's and we were all in the living room but Keith was up on the 3rd floor and we'd hear the scanner go off and it was just this familiar thing to hear him start his run down the stairs, putting shoes on as he ran out the door, and his keys were always sitting on top of the chair inside the door. Mom would yell for him to be careful and he'd be off.

I remember being at the fire house from time to time, and pictures of us in the fire trucks. We knew fire safety that was just our life. We knew no different. So now anytime I see something like the picture above it is like a bonding moment with Keith, because I know about that because of him. So yesterday I went to the live burn exercise that they have a truck that is set up like a residence hall room and they show how quickly it can burn.

It was really difficult not being at the ceremony on Tuesday with the entire family to remember Keith, but this was my way. I am not going to lie and say that it was easy to go to that burn. Keith was in a live burn drill when he passed away. Not nearly the same thing, but even just the title of it. And to feel that fire and smell that smoke, it was difficult. However, it was something I needed to do. It was something I did for me. I am stronger than I think some days. I am starting to realize though that I really need to allow myself to grieve. As I tell people about Keith, I try to keep my composure and I only let my eyes glisten, I do not allow myself to fully let go. I think in order to truly grieve I need to allow myself to show my emotion.

This week getting out of bed has been really difficult. I think because of the ceremony on Tuesday and just knowing that it is less than 2 weeks until the year mark. This morning was probably the most difficult and I blame it on exhaustion but really I got more than normal. I have to figure out what I am going to do on the 25th. I have a few ideas, but not sure. I am taking that day off of work because I would be helpful to no one.   My latest idea is to sleep in a little and then dress in my memorial shirt and go out and take pictures. Something Keith enjoyed doing, so maybe I can just walk around campus lost in my thoughts with my camera.

I still have time to decide...still wish I didn't have to think about it and this wasn't reality. However, I know that it is and that I have to learn to come to grasp with the fact that it is in fact reality.

It is difficult to be so far away...

Dear Keith,

This month really has me struggling with my decision to move so far away from home. I've been homesick because I just want to be with family and people that really understand what the last year has been like. Yesterday was by far the hardest day to be away. The entire family was together for the unveiling of your name on the Lancaster Country Public Service Memorial. It feels weird being the only one not there. I wanted to be there, but being almost 10 hours away driving straight through, I am a bit of a distance. I will make sure to visit the Memorial when I am home over Christmas. I still wish I could have been there with everyone.

Keith so many people are proud of you and miss you. We are just shy of one year and your loss is still so fresh and hurts. There are many people that can't seem to grasp this. I am one of them. I see a picture with you in and my heart aches because I just want to come home and be able to hear you razz me about anything. And Keith I just want to hear you laugh again. Every time I see your name etched in something it makes it more real.

It is hard to believe that this pic was taken just last year at the 9/11 Parade. In one years time you went from the presence on the back of a fire truck giving one of your many scowls to whoever was taking this pic to a name etched in granite. In a single moment our lives can change forever. I have learned this lesson so well in the last year. However while the whole world changed in a matter of a split second, it takes much longer for that to become reality and be able to fully grasp the idea of it.

I think Chris had the lesson this year on his birthday. He had no siblings with him on his birthday, which is probably a first for any of us. Other than times when we were off to doing something or other, but whenever the family got together to celebrate the birthday at least one of us was there for each other. This year I had already moved to Kentucky and had work and heather was at the beach. So he had no siblings with him for this birthday celebration.

We miss you in the simple ways, just your presence. I also missed this year getting a birthday card picked our by you. You always picked the best cards, we used to talk about that all the time. We knew when you were dating whoever you were dating or even once you were married that the lady in your life picked out the gifts more often than not for all the ladies in our family. But we knew that card it was hand picked by you. It was always funny, and you always laughed with us when we read it.

That laugh is probably what I miss most. I talk about that often, but I am serious when I say that. When I think of you I often think of any time you were in one of your laughing fits, to the point where you were laughing so hard we could barely hear you, and your eyes would water and then you would pinch the brim of your nose. Oh that laugh, what I would do to go back and just be able to hear that.

For so many years I wasn't sure what I believed as far as the afterlife. I knew that according to our religion I believed in Heaven. However, I never thought about it. While I have seen many people in my life pass away, I always pushed away that thought. Until you Keith, I have to believe in Heaven, I have to believe in an Afterlife. I have to believe that you are up there watching over all of us. I believe that I now have the best guardian angel up there. I don't care what anyone says, the fact that I have you looking out for me and for our entire family. I call us lucky. I know there are a lot of us, but keep a watch over us all.

I know as this year mark quickly approaches a lot of people are going to need you to be with them. Just make sure to make it here to Kentucky, because I'm not going to have everyone around me that day. It is going to be similar to the day I found out. I was alone in New Jersey, waking up to that first phone call from Mom telling me that something happened to you and that she was on the way to the hospital and would call with more details. And then hearing Lauren utter those words...all alone. Nothing felt better than coming home that day, but it already felt empty because you weren't there anymore.

I went to Aunt Jackie's and all I could do was look up the street to your house where you truck was supposed to be parked and hoping I would just see you run out the door to a fire call. No such luck, that day starting our new reality. I still do not have a grasp on it. But I wake up each day to try and make you as proud of me as I am of the man that you are. Keith even a year later there is such an impact that you make on the fire community in Lancaster, and you will for many many years.

Just know that I miss you very much Keith and that there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and wish that there was a way to erase this whole year.

Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki

11 months ago today life was normal

Dear Keith-

So I have had something weighing heavily on me for 11 months now, and I think I need to get it off of my chest. I may have mentioned this before, but I need to say it again if I have because there is not a day that goes by that I do not have regret over one moment in time. You see the night before you passed away, I wrote on heather's facebook wall let her know that I missed her and told her that I loved her. Then I messaged Chris on facebook to tell him that him and Anne should come visit me in Jersey, in the message I told him that I loved him as I do any time I write a message or card or whatever.

That night what I did not do was contact you. I have regretted that for 11 months now, because 11 months ago today life was normal. You were still your pain in the butt self and our never perfect relationship didn't warrant me messaging you. I figured as our life normally was I would just see you at Thanksgiving when I came home. We were never the hang out type of siblings, we saw each other on holidays or family get-togethers. Or if either of us needed something. Like the times I house or dog sat for you. Little did I know that that night was the last time I could tell you that I loved you.

That is a heavy burden to carry. I try to put it in the back of my mind and say that you knew because we showed each other. You knew that I loved you. You knew that family was more important than anything. Our family fights and bickers, but we love just as deeply. We show our love. I never knew it when it was happening but when you would pick on me, that too was your way of showing love.

Life changes in an instant. I've known that my entire life, mainly because of what you did. Life is precious and we choose the way to live it. I know you lived your life loud and lived every moment. But I wonder if some of the things were worth leaving so early. I still struggle daily realizing that you are frozen at 38, I will never get to give you shit about turning 40. Hell you would have what almost 7 months to go. 11 months ago today, I still had every plan in the world about giving you hell when you turned 40. Little did I know that in 24 hours my life would be rocked in a way I could have never predicted.

I have never truly understood the impact a death can have on your life until you were gone. I have lost people, but never someone who has meant as much to me as you. Each day is truly difficult, and when I really sit down and let it sink in that you are really gone, it hurts like hell. And I am conflicted every single day because I want to be happy and Keith I am happy, so happy with my life decisions, but sad because you aren't here. I know you would have given me so much hell for moving to Kentucky, and I wish you were here to razz me on it.

How is life supposed to feel normal? I don't want to accept a life where it is normal for you not to be there. I know I have to, because I know we have to live on. We have to live on in your memory. Honestly, you passing away is one of the main reasons I finally did a national job search and not just talked about it. Life is short and I needed to shut up and put up. I needed to stop dreaming about a national job search but just do it. I did it and I really am happy where I am.

I know it is difficult on the family that I am down here. I am the first to move this far away. Hell you lived a stone's throw from Aunt Jackie's house, and even before that you lived close to Mom's house. And let's be serious it's not like those two houses are that far away either. I always describe our family as a move down the block family, and you really did that. Chris ventured to Lebanon, but his ties are in Lancaster and I can see him heading back that way. Still not that far away. I went the furthest away for college, but still only 2 hours, and same for grad school. But I needed to do this for me.

Each day is still part of the healing process. Each day is a new lesson. Each day is yet another without you, and it feels empty at times. Some days though I am utterly pissed off at you for not seeing a doctor or not stopping this. I can't believe that you just dropped over dead from a heart attack at 38. Keith you had so much life in you, and it was cut too damn short. We had so much left to do. I cannot believe that you and I never had a drink at a bar together. Most of all I cannot believe on my wedding day I won't be on your arm. That honestly is the hardest to grasp. Granted who the hell knows when I get married. Our family is a bunch of late bloomers when it comes to marriage, you were 33, Chris is past that and not married, I'm 28. We had so much to do, and you are gone. And just 11 months ago today, all of these things were possible.

I am going to try and let go of that guilt and regret over not messaging you in hopes that you know I have always loved you. And been proud to call you my big brother. Moving to a new place who didn't know me before you passed away, it has been difficult yet so rewarding to tell them about you. I love talking about you. Love talking about the guy who was my living hero. The guy who was a hero to many. The guy who touched so many lives. The guy who is gone far too soon. This next month is going to be really difficult to get through. So make sure to spend some time with us all, make sure to spend a lot of time with Mom. Watch over her and make sure she is grieving and healing and dealing.

Keith I miss you so much I do not even have the words to say it. I never knew how much I could miss you. You were just my annoying older brother who liked to put me in my place. We never were lovey dovey and I never claimed to be that. But I loved you more than I was ever able to tell you. And I miss you each day.

Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki

Life is so short...thanks for the courage

Dear Keith,

It has once again been awhile since I last wrote. This time I have a really good excuse...I moved to Kentucky! heather and I packed all my stuff up in a Penske truck and drove overnight to my new home. I have said for years that I wanted to do a national job search and that I wanted to spread my wings and fly, and I really think that losing you was the push I needed to actually do it.

Life is so short, you surely have taught me that lesson. And this is the time for me to do this. I am young, single and have nothing tying me down, so why not? I have only been here about a week and a half, but I am truly happy. I feel this is where I am supposed to be, and that I can do good things here.

The days do not get easier. I guess they may be a little easier, because I can get out of bed and live each day. However, there are days where getting out of bed is difficult. I just do not want life to be reality. I fear that my moving away will make it easier to pretend like it isn't real. That is not healthy and I am very aware of that. Aware that I have to learn to accept the fact that you are no longer walking this earth with me. Our worldly journey together is over. I live each day to make you proud of me.

I do not know if you ever realized how much I looked up to you, and how much you really mean to me. My dad was never around and not a man I would want to live up to, you and Chris though you were two men that I wanted to live up to, and I have always wanted to find a man that could live up to the picture of a great man that you two gave me. You and Chris are very difficult people and I love you both. Together you two have characteristics that make a guy amazing.

My tattoo on my foot of your helmet has started many conversations with my new co-workers, and has made telling them so much easier. I didn't want to be "that girl", the girl that people feel sorry for. This is my fresh start, no one knows anything about me, and it is just a clean slate to be the best me I can be. And by no means am I ashamed of you, I just want people to know me and not feel sorry for me. Yes, I lost my brother, but that moment is not defining my life. I know you would not want it that way. I know you would be so pissed off if life stopped on September 25, 2011. We will all find a way to live on and carry on your memory.

I love talking about you though, these conversations that my tattoo has started have meant so much to me. I love being able to tell people about my big brother, my hero. I will never get sick of talking about you and telling people about the man you were. The humble man, the family man, the big brother who poked fun at me, while loving me unconditionally. It is going to break my heart the day I have to tell my future kids about their Uncle Keith, but I will love telling them about you, and finding a way to make you come alive to them.

When I write these, I never want to stop writing...it is like my connection to you. Do me a favor make your rounds, make sure everyone is okay. Check in on mom, she is taking it hard that I moved so far away. Make sure to watch over heather too. Check in on me too, I need to feel you around me sometimes too. I know you have a lot of people to watch over up there, but I need you sometimes.

I miss you more than words can express and I wish I could have expressed them to you when you were still here. I just hope you know now how much you mean to all of us. We were a family that argued like we loved, with passion. I love you Keith, every day and always.

Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki

It's been too long

Dear Keith,

It's been entirely too long since I have written...I still struggle with the reality of this whole situation, and I feel like if I don't write and if I don't focus on it, it won't be real. Summer is difficult because I usually would see you so much. Yet I still try to pretend like it isn't real. I try to keep it together too because I know that I have to be strong.

Me moving away is taxing on me. I feel like I am leaving you. You are forever here, and I am moving away. The worst part is that it will make pretending it isn't real easier. I've always said that for me my day to day life didn't change, so it has been easier to pretend like it isn't real. Now with me a good 10 hours from home, it will be simple to pretend.

I need you to make sure  you watch over mom when I move though. She feels like she has lost two children with me moving. I am trying everything I can do to make this easier on her, but it is difficult. Our family is a let's move down the block type of family, or at least staying close by or a simple drive. I was selfish in doing this, I need to do this for myself.

Make sure to keep an eye on me too Keith. There are going to be some rough times ahead. Things that shouldn't make me sad are going to. Heather and I are driving to Kentucky with all of my things and you are the first person I'd think to call if we got lost. We are driving overnight, you would already be up and have a good laugh at us. I saw yesterday that they do a live burn as part of training. Now the live burn is different than the live burns you were a part of, but I will watch a live burn. That is going to be difficult to watch. Knowing the last thing you did on this earth was a live burn.

Keith I just miss you, more than I ever thought I could. You may have been a pain in the ass big brother, but such an important part of my life. This doesn't get any easy and I still have days where I get pissed off. It isn't fair. You were so young, and now forever young. Frozen in time at the age of 38, I'll get gray and wrinkly, while you already started to turn gray, that process is over. Not fair Keith, not fair.

No matter how much it seems like you are forgotten with the gap in my letters, you are never forgotten. Everyone misses you, and loves you. You will live on in those who love you. I hear they put a radio in the fire truck like you always wanted. I bet they did it so when they turn it on they think of how much you probably bitched and moaned that you wanted it. And then they smile knowing that you were on that call with them. While you are watching over people, make sure to watch over your brothers in the department, it has been a busy week during a heat wave.

I miss you and love you more than I was ever able to tell you.

Love Always,
Nikki

how did so much time pass?

Dear Keith-

I haven't written in awhile again...and please know that just because I am not writing that I do not miss you. Quite the contrary I miss you so much, more than I ever thought I could. It's no secret we weren't close, and that we fought from time to time, but I miss you big brother. I hope you know how much you mean to me. Looking back I chuckle at some of our interactions, and I chuckle at myself for the times where I was nervous around you because of how much I admired you. I've always been a proud little sister, always Keith. That little girl holding onto your hand, that is how I always felt with you. A little girl who had the hand of her hero.

I know that you probably weren't going to be at my graduation next week, but it still sucks that you aren't here for me to give a hard time about not coming. You missed my college graduation because you were in Jamaica celebrating your one year anniversary, and I know you had said y'all were going to be there again this year during my graduation. All I have ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you are up there watching and you are proud of all that I have accomplished.

I was just saying to someone that my life feels like it stopped back in September, and I do not understand how it is May and graduation is here. I do not know how the time has passed...it seriously just feels like yesterday. What I would give to go back to September 24th, just so I could tell you I love you. Call you just to listen to that belly laugh of yours. If I could go back to just hold on a second longer the last time we hugged. Hell hugged your more often and said I loved you more often. Maybe I could have harped on you a little more about your weight. It's just not fair Keith. Our last full family meal was my birthday...so we are coming up on a year. As I turn 28 I will have to hold on tight to these memories. That isn't fair...it is just not fair that you are gone.

Honestly, I do not think I have yet come to grasp with the fact that you are really gone. I hate it. I hate that this is the reality that we now live. A reality where I have to talk in the past tense. A reality that feels so fake and incomplete. We all miss you so much. I wish sometimes people understood our family, while we bitched about each other, and poked fun...our family bond is tight. We would do anything anytime to protect each other. And I just utterly hate that you are gone and that some people believe that I have no right to miss you.

Keep watching over us all from up there. And next Thursday spend some time with me, as I walk across that stage, accomplishing something I never thought I could do. Make sure the sun is shining too, all I want is an outdoor graduation. I had to graduate inside at both McCaskey and at ESU. That way too I know looking up at the sky that you are right there with me.

I miss you Keith!

Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki

Six months has come and past

Dear Keith,

So it's been six months...I don't write nearly as often as I want to or as I plan. I will continue to write this, this will not fall off to the side. This is not one of those blogs that I start and return to months later. I feel guilty when I don't write. I have been so focused on the things happening in my life. I took my comp exam, which was utter hell. I had to sit for 4 hours and write 5 essays. I had to study for weeks for that, it was everything I was to have learned in the last two years.

Then I took my first ever flight, yea yea you can't razz me anymore that I've never flown. Although you can razz me that my first flight was to Kentucky! I flew there for a conference, and I had 21 interviews for jobs. So I have been a bit busy. In fact I was in Louisville when the six month mark hit. I'm not sure if you had ever visited Louisville but if you have not Louisville was your type of town Keith. Man I walked to Fourth Street Live every night and it just reminded me of you. There was an open air bar some nights, and there was places to sit outside while listening to music on the stage. It was honestly just awesome and it made me think of you. The night that marked six months without you, I was in this Sport and Social Club and I was sitting at this table facing the street watching through an open air window by the bar, a bowling alley behind me, music playing, and drinking a few beers. It was like you were right there with me.

I miss you Keith, and I have realized recently that I am in denial. I still hold hope that when I go home I am going to see you. I see pics of you and there is a life to them, like you are still here. I want nothing more than for that to be a fact. I cannot grasp onto the fact that you are really gone. I know that it has been six months and I am supposed to have some grasp on this, but I do not. It is like that Youtube video, David Goes to the Denist, where he says "is this real life?" I don't feel like this is real life, I feel like I am going to wake up from this.

Death is a hard concept and while I have seen people die, I have not had anyone really tragically die in my life. Most people were old or sick, and it made sense. You were 38 years old, I saw you a month before you passed away and you were fine. It's just not fair. Not that I would have ever wished you to be sick, but at least I would have been able to say goodbye, to tell you that I loved you one last time. Made sure you knew how much you mean to me.

This is going to be a tough week, so watch over us all. Tomorrow is your birthday, you'd have been 39 and then Sunday is Easter a day we would have spent together. I miss you at the end of the table. Most of all I miss that belly laugh of yours, I miss you in general, but that belly laugh. It was just infectious. You'd laugh and even if I was pissed at you, I at least chuckled.

Keith Gregory this is not getting easier. I'm 27 years old, and I already have to talk about my big brother in the past tense. It's not fair. I graduate in a mere 37 days...and you are going to be missing from that too. Even if you would not have physically been here, you would have still be a part of it. What I would give to hear you razz me one more time...

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Keith G. Rankin

Keep Careful Watch

Dear Keith,

I know I do not write nearly as often as I would like...this semester is crazy insanely busy. I don't have a lot of time to do a lot of stuff. I barely sleep. I try to find time to eat. I work, I go to class, I study, I do homework and I job search. That is my routine. I slept for 11 hours the other night and it was the first time in a long time I can remember doing that. I didn't have a chance to go over to the cemetery when I was home over the weekend. I promise to make a trip over when I am home for Easter. That is your birthday week too. I cannot believe that literally in a mere week and a half you will have been gone for six months, half a year gone. Life is going to continue like this, I am not fond of the fact that it has to, but I know it must. I keep thinking the next time I go home is going to be the time I see you. I am having a hard time coming to grasp with the fact that it will never happen again. I will never physically see you again.

I have been thinking of you a lot lately for many reasons. You keep popping into my head on all of these job applications because they are asking me to select a security question in case I forget my info and one of the options is "Who was your childhood hero?" that would be you big brother. Always have been and always will be. I miss you more than words can express, more than I ever thought was possible. I know I say that often...but I am still trying to come to grasp with it.

It is hard to come to grasp with it when it is obvious people who should miss you don't show it. I understand hiding it, hell I hide it often. Yet there are people that if you look at their lives you would think that you never existed and that is very hard to grasp. I hear a lot of stories and I am trying to not let them get to me. I am trying to come to grasp with your passing and not worry about others, but it is so difficult.

With that Keith, I have a big favor to ask of you...I need you watching over our family closely. It seems like we are all going through various trials and tribulations and we need that guiding hand of yours. Spend some extra time watching over the ones I pretty sure you know need watching. And I haven't felt you around lately, show me you are here. The next few months are pretty big in my life and in it I am going to be missing you a lot. I gave you a lot of shit because you were to be in Jamaica for my graduation...hell I would take you being in Jamaica if this is the alternative. In the next 3 months I take the biggest test of my life, which I am finding it difficult to focus on anything, I have a national job search, I graduate and then I move to wherever I get a job.

A lot of the spaces I am looking at in the south, so this is going to be big, I may be moving far. I am debating because I want to be close to family, but then again I want to spread my wings and fly. Hell I am now less than two hours away from home and no one visits me. I am so torn at what to do. So send me some guidance...point me in the right direction.

Keith, I don't like this life without you. It is so difficult. I know that each day goes on, but I don't like it. And I think your birthday and Easter is going to bring up a lot of unresolved feelings. We had Thanksgiving and Christmas with 3 months of your passing, and now 3 more months will have passed and we have more holidays. Summer is going to be hard too because that is when we would spend the most family time because of birthdays and well because of grilling. I am going to miss your belly laugh, grillmaster skills and bbq chicken.

You are missed so much big brother. Everyone seems to just attempting to pick up the pieces, but you have left quite a void in all of our lives. I know that you will never go anywhere, you will always be here with me. But what I would give just to hear your belly laugh one more time, or for you to crack a joke or tell a story. Hell even to pick on me. I'd give anything Keith. I miss you and I love you!

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

good days and bad days

Dear Keith,

We all have good days and we have bad days. I try to make everyone think every day is a good day for me. I try to not let people see me weak. I don't want them to see the pain that lies inside me. There are people that seem to think I should be back to normal, do they realize that I lost my brother 5 months ago. That each and every day waking up is a task that is beyond difficult. I have to make a choice to get out of bed, hell I can barely even sleep. If there is a time where I should be able to sleep, I can't sleep or I can't stay asleep. It is something that has been an issue for awhile. And I mean sleep has always been an issue for me, but it is by far at its worst these days.

I am better than I was, I was pretty depressed and did a fairly good job of hiding it. These days I make the choice to get out of bed, I make the choice to get out of my apartment. I go for walks just because. I actually put time into my appearance, I want to look and feel great. I know I am coming out of the depression, but sometimes I feel like I am almost falling back to it, because you are still gone. But I making that choice.

I am lost, some days I do not know which end if up. I throw myself into things to try and hide the real feelings. The fact of the matter is that there are days I just want to lay in bed and not get up. I want to veg out and pretend that the last five months were just a huge nightmare. I don't understand at all.

There are moments too when I question what I believe in, how could God take you away. Leaving us all just heartbroken. You are gone. But Keith, I have faith, and I believe in God. I believe that there is a reason that he took you away. I cannot even begin to fathom what that reason is, and I do not have to like it. But there is a reason, there is a purpose. I don't what it is yet, but I am keeping my Faith.

Many times in my life I have not understood what God had in store, but I pray and I follow God's plan, eventually it will all work itself out and the plan will be seen. Nothing in my life has made me question as much as losing you. I cannot believe that I still say that and it is real.

Oh I hate that you are gone, like I said I don't have like his plan. I fucking hate it. I hate that I never get to see you again, I never get to hear your belly laugh, I never get to have you poke fun at me, you will never see me graduate, you will never walk me down the aisle at my future who knows when wedding. There are so many things that I will miss having you at, or just plan miss you, so I do not like it. However, I will not let the the hate drag me down and make me a person I am not proud of, and a person you wouldn't be proud of.

I have spent my life making not only Mom proud, but I have strived to make you and Chris proud to. I recently came to the realization that I looked up to you and Chris more than I ever knew I did. You know how they say that a girl ends up looking for a guy like her father, well Keith I look for a guy that reminds me of both you and Chris. Yes I know you two are polar opposites, how can I find a guy like both of you. But really you two are just polar opposites on the outside. I mean you both are in professions that helped people, you both are nice guys, you are true to yourself, you are genuine. I had amazing men to look up to in my life, both you and Chris were the male role model.

One day I will find a guy that is you and Chris rolled up into one package and he will be the person I am meant to be with. I finally feel ready to embark on that challenge, finding that guy. I still wish you were here to ask the tough questions to him, make sure he is treating me right, I wish I had you here to do those big brother things.

I fucking miss you and today is one of those days where I tried really hard to mask my pain. I wait until I am here alone to let the tears flow and just feel the pain. I have a favor though Keith, I am still your little sister and I need your guidance, let me know what I am thinking and feeling is the right path. I need you to point me in a direction. I am not sure I am seeing what I am seeing, or if I am just grasping at straws. I need a little big brother medaling in my life.

The sad part is that tomorrow I will wake up and I will just try again to mask the pain, until I find someone who I willing to sit down with me and have an honest meaningful conversation, when they ask me how I am...they will truly care about the answer. I miss having those types of conversations, the kinds of conversations that have true meaning or can be about nothing at all, but in the end I feel better. I want to sit down and have a true back and forth conversation where the person on the other side is just as invested in the conversation as I am. They care how I am, and I care how they are, they want to know my story and I want to know their story. There are few people in this world that I have met that truly intrige me and those are the people that I am dying to have a true meaningful back and forth conversation with.

I am going to be okay Keith, I want you to know that. This is not abnormal. We all will be fine. We just need to find our feet. You see this is not something we were at all prepared for. We are all learning as we go. I am trying to find peace with this and in turn let you have peace. I know you worry about me, I know that you want to look out for us all. We are trying our hardest to make peace, and figure out where to go from here. Death is not easy any time....but unexpected death takes time. We need time to figure it all out. I miss you and I didn't know I could miss you this much. We were not the type of siblings to talk every day, but I loved knowing I could call you if I needed you, knowing you would be there if I needed you and the same went both ways. I was always there when you needed someone, the best I could be. I babysat when you needed or dog sat when you needed. I did what I could do to be there for you in the way that made sense in our relationship. I'm 11 years younger it is not like you were going to take life advice from me. You had your life and you loved life. We are trying Keith, we miss you, we love you.

Watch over us and guide us. Help us all find peace and help us maintain our faith, it is hard some days because we don't see the meaning behind your death, why were you taken from us. Why did it have to happen. We question a lot. So help us.

I love you big brother, rest easy.

Love Always,

Nikki

5 months...

Dear Keith,

Five months ago I was coming home from a normal hospital run for work, crawling into bed thinking that I would wake up have an omelete and spend a normal Sunday here on campus. Little did I know it was the last night I would fall asleep while you were still alive. That next morning would change my life forever. A single phone call changed everything. Being told they did everything they could and they couldn't bring you back, is a moment I will never in my life forget.

It was five months ago, but the pain, the loss, the hurt, the grief is all still so fresh. Most days I cannot believe that this is real life, that it really happened. I secretly hope and pray when I get home for Easter, you will be there. Sadly, I look around my apartment at all the pictures and mementos and realize that my secret hope will never happen. You are gone...that is still difficult to grasp.

In these last five months I have had a lot of change in my life. Not only the obvious missing part of my life, ie you. I have made decisions about the people in my life. I have got rid of people in my life who made me feel like they were dragging me down. They made me not like the person I was. I also decided I am worth more then the guy that I thought was the one. I made a lot of excuses, but in the last three months I have healed and moved on.

I'm hurt, lost, grieving, in pain, confused, questioning...I just don't know how to deal with this all. I am trying so hard. I have someone I feel like I could truly talk to about this all...I'm just afraid to let my guard down and let them in. I need to find someone to talk to about this all, because I need to be able to let it all out.

I work so hard that most people do not see the pain and the grief. I do not want pity from anyone, but I do want to talk about this all, because I really do not understand and talking will help me make this real and figure a way to deal with it.

What I need most these days are hugs, but they lack. I need good strong hugs. I need to know I am cared for. I feel so lost and alone most of the time. Never in a million years did I ever imagine this being life. I wish you were still here. But I have to trust that God has a reason. It is literally the only way I wake up every morning and keep going. God had a reason for taking you away. He has some plan, I have to have faith.

I miss you Keith so much and hope you know that. I hope you are finding peace and able to finally rest without the earthly burdens.

Love Always,

Nikki

Really Missing You

Dear Keith,

I love this day. Well mostly...it was your wedding day. I had a good time with you this day and with your groomsmen. It was a funny day, because it was one of the first times your friends and you realized heather and I were growing up. I cracked open a beer in the limo and your friends were like "hey how old are you?" and I was like 21 and they were like "Oh my God I remember when you were this big." It was a funny moment. It was the beginning of the few years as we were adults and on the same playing field.

I find myself missing you a lot. And what hurts that most is how life goes on. I keep thinking, How can this just keep going on? Life is so different and I am unhappy in this change. But then I remember that I can't change this. I hate not being home. I hate that I can't visit the cemetery. I had planned on going home more often, but it is so difficult because of this job. I'm sitting at work tonight, when I could have been home for the weekend of something. I plan on going home for spring break and I will be home for Easter. So I will get home in March and April, and then I will be home in May, then whole month of June and then at some point I move to my new place. No clue where that is going to be. I am really struggling in that department. I am open to moving wherever, but if I am having a hard time being back here for like 7 weeks without being home, how am I going to move across the country. I can't fly home every month, that would get expensive. I don't know what to do.

I was talking about you tonight with one of the Public Safety officers, it made me miss you more. I never thought I could miss you this much. We weren't that close, I am the first to admit that. I just didn't know I had to get all the conversations with you in so soon. When I was talking to the officer, I was talking about how one of my biggest regrets was not having you teach me how to shoot a gun. I was finally getting around to wanting to learn, and I figured you would be the first person I would ask to teach me. You would have harassed me about it, but I think all in all you would have done it. Now who do I ask? I mean your buddies say if we need anything to ask, but I hate to ask. Part of the reason we didn't talk as much, I didn't want to bother you. You were always so busy and so untouchable in my eyes. I really did worship you, I don't know if you ever knew that. I was so proud of you Keith Gregory. You used to joke when Chris, heather and I would talk about school and graduation and that, and you would say you doing this or that. But you didn't need to go to college to be amazing. You had such an amazing skill set. You taught people how to be safe while protecting others.

This past week we have been dealing with a Norovirus on campus and I half picture a conversation we would of had at Easter dinner, because that is probably the next time we would have seen each other. You would have poked fun at it, and I probably would have got defensive, but we would of had a good time discussing it, even as not fun the virus is. We had a way of talking about gross crap and still making the conversations entertaining.

I keep going on with my every day life, keeping busy, because then I don't have to think about you not being here. I am going to be hit with it again at Easter when you are not there again. This doesn't seem to get easier. I miss you each and every day. And I think about all the things you are going to miss. Chris and Anne are going strong, and I know one day he wanted you to be his best man, now who does that? One of these days I am going to meet a greet guy who loves me unconditionally, who is going to harass him and make sure he is good enough, and who is going to walk me down the aisle. There are so many milestones and just average every day events that you missing. You are supposed to be here Keith. You were only 38, we were supposed to have time left. So many moments we were robbed of.

The part that I hate the most is I know that we are going to have a new routine and have new traditions and they are going to be without you. I hate to think that we are going to laugh and carrying on without you there with that belly laugh. Keith I miss that belly laugh, and I forget the way your voice sounded. I wish I still had that funny voicemail you left me on my birthday back when I worked at camp. That message was at least 6 or 7 years old and I still remember it and it is the last voicemail I can remember you leaving me. You were hilarious in it and I think you even laughed. What I would give to hear that right now. I was too scared to call your cell when it was still your number, now it isn't, so I can't call and listen to your voice. I miss you Keith, spend some time with me this week. I need to feel your presence around me, I am missing you a lot.

Rest easy brother...we are slowly but surely finding a way to carry on. You are missed and will never be forgotten, we will find a way to live in your memory.

I love you Keith always have and always will. I'm proud that you were MY big brother and no one can ever take that away from me. You were family and our family as dysfunctional as it can be, is a tight knit family. You don't mess with our family because we are a fierce bunch to deal with. You are missed.

Love Always,

Nikki

It's been awhile

Keith-

It's been awhile...and I am sorry that I haven't been able to write. There isn't a day that passes that you are not on my mind. There are things that make me think of you or memories. It's really difficult though. I know that I am not fully processing everything. It's four and a half months Keith...that doesn't seem possible. Plus this is now a time of year that I would barely talk to you normally. So sometimes it feels like life is normal again. And Easter is around the corner, and I get to see you. It's really hard to grasp, that is never going to happen again.

I am never going to be able to send you a text on your birthday. I am never going to see you at any family dinner. We don't get to compare phones or apps. I will never get another high priority text on my birthday, or funny message. I know I have said this, but it still doesn't feel real.

I thought of you a few times today, first I got sad when I filled out my taxes...odd I know...especially seeing as I get a nice refund...but one of the last question asks if the person who it is being filled out for died in 2011. And I realized that your taxes will be filled for the last time ever. And that made me sad. I still can't believe we are in the year 2012 and it is a year that wasn't lucky enough to have you in it. Then I decided to watch Campus PD tonight, which I haven't done in awhile. And I think that you and I could have really enjoyed watching that together. It was like a blending of our worlds. You with the legal part of it, and me with the college kid part of it. I really wish we would of had a chance to really sit and talk about life, because there were parts of our lives that overlapped in ways I never realized and I know you didn't either. I mean I was just your little sister, and with the age difference it was probably difficult to think of me working a job that had any similarities. I know I am still living on a college campus, but I do not lead that college lifestyle, in fact I get people in trouble who live that lifestyle.

It just reminds me of what we lost out on. I've said it a million times, I feel like we were just settling into our lives as adults and I could see this awesome future. Sitting at family meals and having real conversations. This sucks so much Keith Gregory. I try not to get upset, because what good is that, but I'm upset that I feel like I was robbed of so much. I miss you so much and wish we had a chance to talk about more.

I often was intimidated around you, I didn't want to sound dumb, I wanted to sound cool. I wanted to say something important, or I wanted you to want to have a conversation with me. I looked up to you so much, you were my hero, my idol. I miss your laugh, that belly laugh that was just infectious.

I just wanted to take a minute to write to you since it has been so long. I needed to let you know that you are not forgotten and never will be. I promise to try and update more often. Maybe a pic with a short memory or something. This is my hardest semester yet. In less than 3 months I graduate with my Master's. Another difficult thing. This was going to be a big year for me, well it still is. I really wanted you to be a part of it. I wanted you there when I graduate. I had actually planned on talking to you about my job search. I am looking all over the country and thought that maybe you could give me opinions of different placed. I know you will be there when I graduate watching over me, and I know you will help guide me in my job search, but it's not the same.

I'm missing you a lot. I still have so many questions. It's not fair Keith. I hope you know how much I love you, and how much you will forever be a part of my life. I can't wait until I move and can put up pictures from childhood and adulthood and of you and just really have you as a presence in my house. This apartment is a mess and I have to start packing soon.

I know you watch over me, but Keith I need you. I am lost, and scared about the unknown future. I have a lot on my plate in the next three months. I can't believe how much I have to do in that short time. So please spend some time with me.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Advice

Dear Keith-

So today I'm writing a little different than I have. I need your help big brother. I sit 111 days away from graduation, that day my life can pretty much take any pattern I decide for it to take. If you would have asked me four months ago, I would have told you I would have taken a job anywhere in the world to have the experience. My next position will be 2-3 years and I could live anywhere and do it. Four months ago 2-3 years seemed like not so long, it seemed like my whole life was in front of me and it was mine for the taking.

While that is still factually true, my entire life is in front of me and it is mine for the taking. But now I realize that every moment matters. It is a balance of being happy both personally and professionally. I could find an awesome job in an awesome location but personally be unhappy. I never thought I would want to live so close to family.

I don't know if it is me being scared or me just being me, but I don't know how far from family I can move. I make my list of places I want to apply for jobs and the list is scary. Every single one of the is outside of PA and it is outside of quick driving distance. So far my list has school in Kansas, Florida, Georgia, and North Carolina. I don't know what to do. This could be the opportunity of a life time, but will it make me happy.

When you bought the house so close to Aunt Jackie and even when you lived on College Ave, when you were dead in the center between Mom and Aunt Jackie, I didn't get it. I didn't get how you could stay in Lancaster and be so close. I at that point wanted to run so far away from Lancaster. Now I see that Lancaster truly is home and moving far away scared the shit out of me.

Our lives were very different, I mean you had hundreds of people you knew locally, and a great group of core friends in Lancaster. Your family and friends were all there. When I am in Lancaster, all I have is family, my friends have moved away and started their lives everywhere. I have friends in so many states.

Keith I am really lost in what I am supposed to do. Where I am supposed to go. I need you to help, I need you to guide me. I need some big brother advice. This was never something I would come to you about, but I am now. I need to know what I am supposed to do. Lost is really not a good direction.

On a side note, there was a LODD in PA recently and I know you know this because you are up there, but the kid was so young, watch out for him. I hope hearing about LODDs gets easier, because I just broke down and cried. The pain his friends and family and even his station, I truly understand it. That is something I never thought I could say, but I do. I understand what it is like to see it happen. That week while it was a blur, it is forever imprinted in my mind. You were a member of one hell of a brotherhood. While you are at it, because I know you have a lot of time on your hands, make sure you keep a watch out over your buddies, because some of them are having a hard time and really miss you and are lost without you. And as always watch over me, I miss you a lot and am quite lost and not sure I am dealing with all of this well.

I hide a lot of my feelings, and I don't let many people in. I'm still pretty broken and lost and just confused about life. I was thinking about Mother's Day tonight, because Mom needs a new couch and I was thinking the siblings could get together and get it for her, and immediately I missed you. And I was thinking about that pic of the four of us that I couldn't get Mom, I was supposed to organize it and I never did. I just figured we'd do it next year, meaning this year and now we can't. There will never be another pic of the four of us. So I was thinking of how we could do it that it wasn't creepy. I have always made fun of the people who have pictures of the family who has died in the pictures. So I was thinking maybe we could take your flag and have it in the picture. You are still there in the pic and then it also goes with Mom's red white and blue theme. Just a thought I had tonight.

Well I am going to go for now, but I will write again. There are days between when I write mostly because I have a lot going on, but also because I just don't want to believe that this is reality. I am struggling and I need you. And I miss you. Most of all Keith Gregory I love you more than I was ever able to tell you.

Love Always,

Nikki

A Dream Visit

Dear Keith-

Thanks for visiting me the other morning in my dream. I didn't know how much I needed that hug. Hugs were never something we did often. In fact I believe the last time I hugged you was Christmas Day 2009 when Nanny Rankin passed away. I remember seeing the tears glisten your eyes, and the tight embrace. It was a rough day for all of us, but for you and Chris in particular she was your natural grandmother, but she always thought of heather and I as her grandkids too.

In that dream it was a family gathering and you looked like there were tears in your eyes again, and you held me tight. I remember saying that you were losing weight and to keep going. I looked over at heather and she just shook her head. I think this is because part of me is still in denial that you are gone. I think it will all go away, but this time that won't happen. This is forever our lives, you are gone. And I am just not ready to grasp that.

Never the less the hug was a true blessing, I really felt like you were there holding tight and telling me that things are going to be okay. The tears in your eyes this time were I think because you couldn't truly be here with us. I think you miss us as much as we miss you. Life isn't fair and you are supposed to be here.

Like I have said I am not sure what I believe, but visit more in my dreams. I miss those family times. You, Chris, heather, me, Mom and Aunt Jackie. We were an odd bunch, but deep down we were a tight knit family. The laughter that we laughed was pure and genuine. The tears we cried were real. The fights we had were full of passion. And above all we shared a never-ending love. I will never stop loving you as my big brother. I still have two older brothers. You still having meaning in my life. You will never be forgotten.

I miss you Keith so much. Sometimes my grief overcomes me and I just cry. I cry because of missed memories. We still had a lot of memories to make. Rest easy up there big brother. You deserve everlasting peace.

Love Always,

Nikki

I just want to cry sometimes

Dear Keith-

So I pretend to be all brave and strong, and I try to keep it together. I also try to not cry and try not to breakdown, I know that you would want us to carry on. But Keith this fucking sucks, it sucks a lot. This is just not something I thought I would be dealing with at 27. I mean I figured that you would go before me, hell you were 11 years older than me. I get that being the younger sister by that much I'd have to stand at a podium and talk about you. But why the fuck did it have to happen now. You only fucking 38 years old. It's just not fair. I cannot seem to grasp this at all.

I have to say if you were going to have any type of aliment that would not allow you to do the things you loved, then this was they way you had to go. I could not stand watching you slowly become a man who didn't have a passion for life, if he couldn't fight fires or chase bad guys. But I can still be mad that I was robbed of so much stuff. One day I hope that this feeling dulls. I hope that I am not mad at the universe forever for robbing us of some pretty kick ass moments.

For now I'm done being brave all the time, I am gonna cry tonight, because I miss you so much. I miss you in ways I didn't know possible. I mean I didn't call nearly as much as I should have, I rarely had important reasons to call on you. But I liked knowing that you were just a phone call away. I liked knowing that my big brother could come in and save the day.

I did a lot of things to try and make you and everyone proud. I really tried to be the best me I could be to make you all proud. I mean you were this super hero who saved people's lives, and I just wanted to be as good a human being as you. You were always that super cool older brother, I always wanted to impress you.

Some of my fondest memories are stupid, but they are ours, and now mine. I remember this time that we were in your backyard on College Ave, you had a BBQ for your friends and you invited the family too. Mom and Aunt Jackie, they left and I stayed. I remember drinking and doing Jell-O shots. That was cool because I was drinking with my older brother. You see as much as you probably always seen me as a little kid, I also always saw you as super older and grown-up. I was of legal drinking age, so it wasn't like I couldn't drink, but to drink with you was like whoa. I remember one of your friends, saying but you can't drink and I was like umm yes I can, I'm 21 or 22 or whatever age I was. They were just as shocked, because I was all grown-up. Same thing happened at your wedding in the limo with the bridal party, you weren't there, but I remember RJ being shocked that I was 21.

Keith we were supposed to have more of those moments, we were supposed to have more memories. I'm so afraid that I am going to forget what you sound like and what you look like. I didn't have enough time to make the memories of you. I didn't know the last time I saw you was going to be the last. I didn't know the last time I heard you laugh was going to be the last. I loved your laugh. I loved telling a story and having you go into a laughing fit. Sometimes I tell a story with the family and I just wait for your laugh to start. It will never be a part of another story I tell.

I miss you a lot today. For no other reason than I miss you. I just want to wake up and this be the worst fucking nightmare ever, but it's not going to happen. I just want one more day with you, I want to be able to tell you how much I truly love you and how much you mean to me. I am so afraid you never knew just how much I loved you and still love you. Oh Keith this fucking sucks.

Love Always,

Nikki

Where do we go from here?

Dear Keith,

So the question at hand is how do we go from here? Life is different it will never be the same. However, we have to learn to live this life. If we live in the past, we will lose the present and never make it to the future. I am scared of going on in this life without you. You were such a presence in our family. You were a stronger male presence in the family.

Mom is having a hard time, and I mean how could you not she lost her son. You were only 38 years old, we are all trying to grasp that. The picture to the left is at Mom's house. It's what we have left to remember you by. We have pictures, and she has the flag that was on your casket. This just all is crazy, this does not feel like real life.

I hate that we have to figure out how to live, I hate that this is the life that we have to get used to. I have to be okay with the fact that there are things in life that we never had a chance to do together. I hate that. I hate it so fucking much. I hate having to talk in the past tense when it comes to you, I hate it. It is not fair that this if life.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason, but I cannot say that about this yet. There is no reason that at the age of 27 I had to watch my 38 year old brother be buried, what possible reason could there be. And what reason is there that I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye, or tell you how much you have meant to me in my life. It is just not fair. I do not wish disease on anyone, but hell at least their loved ones get a chance to say goodbye, the downside is that they have to watch them die, but at least they know how people feel about them. I am never going to know if you knew how much you meant to me. I mean we were never a touchy feely family.

Keith we need your guidance from above, we need to know where we go from here. We need to know the next step. I am trying so hard to do what I feel is right for our family, but at the end of the day I still miss you a lot. And there are nights when I cannot help the tears that roll down my face. I need my big brother. I can't call, I can't text, I can't facebook you.

I miss you a lot Keith Gregory and so do a lot of people. We are all trying to come to grasps with this. This was all so shocking. A little over three months is not enough time to mourn and grieve, at least for most of us. Each day is difficult. There are days I don't want to get out of bed, days I don't want to believe it is any day after September 24, 2011. That was the last morning that I woke up and all of my siblings were alive. When I woke up September 25, it was to the news that you were on your way to the hospital, and I now know that while your body was on the way to the hospital, you were already gone. They had already done all they could do to try to save you.

I cannot believe that this is reality even as I type this. This is all just craziness. This is life? What the hell? We are all so young, we were supposed to have years left. We were supposed to all four be there when we did so many things. There are so many events in life that we are all supposed to be there for. I still cannot grasp what my wedding is going to be like without you. I am no where near getting married, so don't worry. But I just don't know how that day is going to go. It is supposed to be this joyous day and I don't know how to have a joyous day while there is such an important person missing. There are going to be people there who are going to be sad. I still struggle with who is going to walk me down the aisle. I know Chris would, but I have always wanted him standing at the altar with my husband-to-be and be on your arm. It is how I have picture it for as long as I can remember. Then if I still want Chris there at the altar, who do I choose. I have thought of a few of your friends that could be your stand in, but then I just don't know. I mean I know I have time to think about all of this, but for me I have been playing my wedding for years, every last detail. Songs that will be danced to at the reception, with my siblings. I haven't been able to really think about any ideas for weddings since you passed away.

I don't understand how some people seem so over your death, they seem like life just goes on. I mean I know that I have to continue to live, but there is an undertone to every day. Well Keith I just miss you a lot, and I need your guidance of where do we go from here. I need to know what direction I need to follow, I to figure out what life means now. I am just a jumbled mess right now.

Love Always,

Yours Little Sister,

Nikki