It's been awhile...and I am sorry that I haven't been able to write. There isn't a day that passes that you are not on my mind. There are things that make me think of you or memories. It's really difficult though. I know that I am not fully processing everything. It's four and a half months Keith...that doesn't seem possible. Plus this is now a time of year that I would barely talk to you normally. So sometimes it feels like life is normal again. And Easter is around the corner, and I get to see you. It's really hard to grasp, that is never going to happen again.
I am never going to be able to send you a text on your birthday. I am never going to see you at any family dinner. We don't get to compare phones or apps. I will never get another high priority text on my birthday, or funny message. I know I have said this, but it still doesn't feel real.
I thought of you a few times today, first I got sad when I filled out my taxes...odd I know...especially seeing as I get a nice refund...but one of the last question asks if the person who it is being filled out for died in 2011. And I realized that your taxes will be filled for the last time ever. And that made me sad. I still can't believe we are in the year 2012 and it is a year that wasn't lucky enough to have you in it. Then I decided to watch Campus PD tonight, which I haven't done in awhile. And I think that you and I could have really enjoyed watching that together. It was like a blending of our worlds. You with the legal part of it, and me with the college kid part of it. I really wish we would of had a chance to really sit and talk about life, because there were parts of our lives that overlapped in ways I never realized and I know you didn't either. I mean I was just your little sister, and with the age difference it was probably difficult to think of me working a job that had any similarities. I know I am still living on a college campus, but I do not lead that college lifestyle, in fact I get people in trouble who live that lifestyle.
It just reminds me of what we lost out on. I've said it a million times, I feel like we were just settling into our lives as adults and I could see this awesome future. Sitting at family meals and having real conversations. This sucks so much Keith Gregory. I try not to get upset, because what good is that, but I'm upset that I feel like I was robbed of so much. I miss you so much and wish we had a chance to talk about more.
I often was intimidated around you, I didn't want to sound dumb, I wanted to sound cool. I wanted to say something important, or I wanted you to want to have a conversation with me. I looked up to you so much, you were my hero, my idol. I miss your laugh, that belly laugh that was just infectious.
I just wanted to take a minute to write to you since it has been so long. I needed to let you know that you are not forgotten and never will be. I promise to try and update more often. Maybe a pic with a short memory or something. This is my hardest semester yet. In less than 3 months I graduate with my Master's. Another difficult thing. This was going to be a big year for me, well it still is. I really wanted you to be a part of it. I wanted you there when I graduate. I had actually planned on talking to you about my job search. I am looking all over the country and thought that maybe you could give me opinions of different placed. I know you will be there when I graduate watching over me, and I know you will help guide me in my job search, but it's not the same.
I'm missing you a lot. I still have so many questions. It's not fair Keith. I hope you know how much I love you, and how much you will forever be a part of my life. I can't wait until I move and can put up pictures from childhood and adulthood and of you and just really have you as a presence in my house. This apartment is a mess and I have to start packing soon.
I know you watch over me, but Keith I need you. I am lost, and scared about the unknown future. I have a lot on my plate in the next three months. I can't believe how much I have to do in that short time. So please spend some time with me.
Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki
No comments:
Post a Comment