Five months ago I was coming home from a normal hospital run for work, crawling into bed thinking that I would wake up have an omelete and spend a normal Sunday here on campus. Little did I know it was the last night I would fall asleep while you were still alive. That next morning would change my life forever. A single phone call changed everything. Being told they did everything they could and they couldn't bring you back, is a moment I will never in my life forget.
It was five months ago, but the pain, the loss, the hurt, the grief is all still so fresh. Most days I cannot believe that this is real life, that it really happened. I secretly hope and pray when I get home for Easter, you will be there. Sadly, I look around my apartment at all the pictures and mementos and realize that my secret hope will never happen. You are gone...that is still difficult to grasp.
In these last five months I have had a lot of change in my life. Not only the obvious missing part of my life, ie you. I have made decisions about the people in my life. I have got rid of people in my life who made me feel like they were dragging me down. They made me not like the person I was. I also decided I am worth more then the guy that I thought was the one. I made a lot of excuses, but in the last three months I have healed and moved on.
I'm hurt, lost, grieving, in pain, confused, questioning...I just don't know how to deal with this all. I am trying so hard. I have someone I feel like I could truly talk to about this all...I'm just afraid to let my guard down and let them in. I need to find someone to talk to about this all, because I need to be able to let it all out.
I work so hard that most people do not see the pain and the grief. I do not want pity from anyone, but I do want to talk about this all, because I really do not understand and talking will help me make this real and figure a way to deal with it.
What I need most these days are hugs, but they lack. I need good strong hugs. I need to know I am cared for. I feel so lost and alone most of the time. Never in a million years did I ever imagine this being life. I wish you were still here. But I have to trust that God has a reason. It is literally the only way I wake up every morning and keep going. God had a reason for taking you away. He has some plan, I have to have faith.
I miss you Keith so much and hope you know that. I hope you are finding peace and able to finally rest without the earthly burdens.
Love Always,
Nikki
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