Really Missing You

Dear Keith,

I love this day. Well mostly...it was your wedding day. I had a good time with you this day and with your groomsmen. It was a funny day, because it was one of the first times your friends and you realized heather and I were growing up. I cracked open a beer in the limo and your friends were like "hey how old are you?" and I was like 21 and they were like "Oh my God I remember when you were this big." It was a funny moment. It was the beginning of the few years as we were adults and on the same playing field.

I find myself missing you a lot. And what hurts that most is how life goes on. I keep thinking, How can this just keep going on? Life is so different and I am unhappy in this change. But then I remember that I can't change this. I hate not being home. I hate that I can't visit the cemetery. I had planned on going home more often, but it is so difficult because of this job. I'm sitting at work tonight, when I could have been home for the weekend of something. I plan on going home for spring break and I will be home for Easter. So I will get home in March and April, and then I will be home in May, then whole month of June and then at some point I move to my new place. No clue where that is going to be. I am really struggling in that department. I am open to moving wherever, but if I am having a hard time being back here for like 7 weeks without being home, how am I going to move across the country. I can't fly home every month, that would get expensive. I don't know what to do.

I was talking about you tonight with one of the Public Safety officers, it made me miss you more. I never thought I could miss you this much. We weren't that close, I am the first to admit that. I just didn't know I had to get all the conversations with you in so soon. When I was talking to the officer, I was talking about how one of my biggest regrets was not having you teach me how to shoot a gun. I was finally getting around to wanting to learn, and I figured you would be the first person I would ask to teach me. You would have harassed me about it, but I think all in all you would have done it. Now who do I ask? I mean your buddies say if we need anything to ask, but I hate to ask. Part of the reason we didn't talk as much, I didn't want to bother you. You were always so busy and so untouchable in my eyes. I really did worship you, I don't know if you ever knew that. I was so proud of you Keith Gregory. You used to joke when Chris, heather and I would talk about school and graduation and that, and you would say you doing this or that. But you didn't need to go to college to be amazing. You had such an amazing skill set. You taught people how to be safe while protecting others.

This past week we have been dealing with a Norovirus on campus and I half picture a conversation we would of had at Easter dinner, because that is probably the next time we would have seen each other. You would have poked fun at it, and I probably would have got defensive, but we would of had a good time discussing it, even as not fun the virus is. We had a way of talking about gross crap and still making the conversations entertaining.

I keep going on with my every day life, keeping busy, because then I don't have to think about you not being here. I am going to be hit with it again at Easter when you are not there again. This doesn't seem to get easier. I miss you each and every day. And I think about all the things you are going to miss. Chris and Anne are going strong, and I know one day he wanted you to be his best man, now who does that? One of these days I am going to meet a greet guy who loves me unconditionally, who is going to harass him and make sure he is good enough, and who is going to walk me down the aisle. There are so many milestones and just average every day events that you missing. You are supposed to be here Keith. You were only 38, we were supposed to have time left. So many moments we were robbed of.

The part that I hate the most is I know that we are going to have a new routine and have new traditions and they are going to be without you. I hate to think that we are going to laugh and carrying on without you there with that belly laugh. Keith I miss that belly laugh, and I forget the way your voice sounded. I wish I still had that funny voicemail you left me on my birthday back when I worked at camp. That message was at least 6 or 7 years old and I still remember it and it is the last voicemail I can remember you leaving me. You were hilarious in it and I think you even laughed. What I would give to hear that right now. I was too scared to call your cell when it was still your number, now it isn't, so I can't call and listen to your voice. I miss you Keith, spend some time with me this week. I need to feel your presence around me, I am missing you a lot.

Rest easy brother...we are slowly but surely finding a way to carry on. You are missed and will never be forgotten, we will find a way to live in your memory.

I love you Keith always have and always will. I'm proud that you were MY big brother and no one can ever take that away from me. You were family and our family as dysfunctional as it can be, is a tight knit family. You don't mess with our family because we are a fierce bunch to deal with. You are missed.

Love Always,

Nikki