I know I do not write nearly as often as I would like...this semester is crazy insanely busy. I don't have a lot of time to do a lot of stuff. I barely sleep. I try to find time to eat. I work, I go to class, I study, I do homework and I job search. That is my routine. I slept for 11 hours the other night and it was the first time in a long time I can remember doing that. I didn't have a chance to go over to the cemetery when I was home over the weekend. I promise to make a trip over when I am home for Easter. That is your birthday week too. I cannot believe that literally in a mere week and a half you will have been gone for six months, half a year gone. Life is going to continue like this, I am not fond of the fact that it has to, but I know it must. I keep thinking the next time I go home is going to be the time I see you. I am having a hard time coming to grasp with the fact that it will never happen again. I will never physically see you again.
I have been thinking of you a lot lately for many reasons. You keep popping into my head on all of these job applications because they are asking me to select a security question in case I forget my info and one of the options is "Who was your childhood hero?" that would be you big brother. Always have been and always will be. I miss you more than words can express, more than I ever thought was possible. I know I say that often...but I am still trying to come to grasp with it.
It is hard to come to grasp with it when it is obvious people who should miss you don't show it. I understand hiding it, hell I hide it often. Yet there are people that if you look at their lives you would think that you never existed and that is very hard to grasp. I hear a lot of stories and I am trying to not let them get to me. I am trying to come to grasp with your passing and not worry about others, but it is so difficult.
With that Keith, I have a big favor to ask of you...I need you watching over our family closely. It seems like we are all going through various trials and tribulations and we need that guiding hand of yours. Spend some extra time watching over the ones I pretty sure you know need watching. And I haven't felt you around lately, show me you are here. The next few months are pretty big in my life and in it I am going to be missing you a lot. I gave you a lot of shit because you were to be in Jamaica for my graduation...hell I would take you being in Jamaica if this is the alternative. In the next 3 months I take the biggest test of my life, which I am finding it difficult to focus on anything, I have a national job search, I graduate and then I move to wherever I get a job.
A lot of the spaces I am looking at in the south, so this is going to be big, I may be moving far. I am debating because I want to be close to family, but then again I want to spread my wings and fly. Hell I am now less than two hours away from home and no one visits me. I am so torn at what to do. So send me some guidance...point me in the right direction.
Keith, I don't like this life without you. It is so difficult. I know that each day goes on, but I don't like it. And I think your birthday and Easter is going to bring up a lot of unresolved feelings. We had Thanksgiving and Christmas with 3 months of your passing, and now 3 more months will have passed and we have more holidays. Summer is going to be hard too because that is when we would spend the most family time because of birthdays and well because of grilling. I am going to miss your belly laugh, grillmaster skills and bbq chicken.
You are missed so much big brother. Everyone seems to just attempting to pick up the pieces, but you have left quite a void in all of our lives. I know that you will never go anywhere, you will always be here with me. But what I would give just to hear your belly laugh one more time, or for you to crack a joke or tell a story. Hell even to pick on me. I'd give anything Keith. I miss you and I love you!
Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki
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