Six months has come and past

Dear Keith,

So it's been six months...I don't write nearly as often as I want to or as I plan. I will continue to write this, this will not fall off to the side. This is not one of those blogs that I start and return to months later. I feel guilty when I don't write. I have been so focused on the things happening in my life. I took my comp exam, which was utter hell. I had to sit for 4 hours and write 5 essays. I had to study for weeks for that, it was everything I was to have learned in the last two years.

Then I took my first ever flight, yea yea you can't razz me anymore that I've never flown. Although you can razz me that my first flight was to Kentucky! I flew there for a conference, and I had 21 interviews for jobs. So I have been a bit busy. In fact I was in Louisville when the six month mark hit. I'm not sure if you had ever visited Louisville but if you have not Louisville was your type of town Keith. Man I walked to Fourth Street Live every night and it just reminded me of you. There was an open air bar some nights, and there was places to sit outside while listening to music on the stage. It was honestly just awesome and it made me think of you. The night that marked six months without you, I was in this Sport and Social Club and I was sitting at this table facing the street watching through an open air window by the bar, a bowling alley behind me, music playing, and drinking a few beers. It was like you were right there with me.

I miss you Keith, and I have realized recently that I am in denial. I still hold hope that when I go home I am going to see you. I see pics of you and there is a life to them, like you are still here. I want nothing more than for that to be a fact. I cannot grasp onto the fact that you are really gone. I know that it has been six months and I am supposed to have some grasp on this, but I do not. It is like that Youtube video, David Goes to the Denist, where he says "is this real life?" I don't feel like this is real life, I feel like I am going to wake up from this.

Death is a hard concept and while I have seen people die, I have not had anyone really tragically die in my life. Most people were old or sick, and it made sense. You were 38 years old, I saw you a month before you passed away and you were fine. It's just not fair. Not that I would have ever wished you to be sick, but at least I would have been able to say goodbye, to tell you that I loved you one last time. Made sure you knew how much you mean to me.

This is going to be a tough week, so watch over us all. Tomorrow is your birthday, you'd have been 39 and then Sunday is Easter a day we would have spent together. I miss you at the end of the table. Most of all I miss that belly laugh of yours, I miss you in general, but that belly laugh. It was just infectious. You'd laugh and even if I was pissed at you, I at least chuckled.

Keith Gregory this is not getting easier. I'm 27 years old, and I already have to talk about my big brother in the past tense. It's not fair. I graduate in a mere 37 days...and you are going to be missing from that too. Even if you would not have physically been here, you would have still be a part of it. What I would give to hear you razz me one more time...

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Keith G. Rankin