how did so much time pass?

Dear Keith-

I haven't written in awhile again...and please know that just because I am not writing that I do not miss you. Quite the contrary I miss you so much, more than I ever thought I could. It's no secret we weren't close, and that we fought from time to time, but I miss you big brother. I hope you know how much you mean to me. Looking back I chuckle at some of our interactions, and I chuckle at myself for the times where I was nervous around you because of how much I admired you. I've always been a proud little sister, always Keith. That little girl holding onto your hand, that is how I always felt with you. A little girl who had the hand of her hero.

I know that you probably weren't going to be at my graduation next week, but it still sucks that you aren't here for me to give a hard time about not coming. You missed my college graduation because you were in Jamaica celebrating your one year anniversary, and I know you had said y'all were going to be there again this year during my graduation. All I have ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you are up there watching and you are proud of all that I have accomplished.

I was just saying to someone that my life feels like it stopped back in September, and I do not understand how it is May and graduation is here. I do not know how the time has passed...it seriously just feels like yesterday. What I would give to go back to September 24th, just so I could tell you I love you. Call you just to listen to that belly laugh of yours. If I could go back to just hold on a second longer the last time we hugged. Hell hugged your more often and said I loved you more often. Maybe I could have harped on you a little more about your weight. It's just not fair Keith. Our last full family meal was my birthday...so we are coming up on a year. As I turn 28 I will have to hold on tight to these memories. That isn't fair...it is just not fair that you are gone.

Honestly, I do not think I have yet come to grasp with the fact that you are really gone. I hate it. I hate that this is the reality that we now live. A reality where I have to talk in the past tense. A reality that feels so fake and incomplete. We all miss you so much. I wish sometimes people understood our family, while we bitched about each other, and poked fun...our family bond is tight. We would do anything anytime to protect each other. And I just utterly hate that you are gone and that some people believe that I have no right to miss you.

Keep watching over us all from up there. And next Thursday spend some time with me, as I walk across that stage, accomplishing something I never thought I could do. Make sure the sun is shining too, all I want is an outdoor graduation. I had to graduate inside at both McCaskey and at ESU. That way too I know looking up at the sky that you are right there with me.

I miss you Keith!

Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki