Where do we go from here?

Dear Keith,

So the question at hand is how do we go from here? Life is different it will never be the same. However, we have to learn to live this life. If we live in the past, we will lose the present and never make it to the future. I am scared of going on in this life without you. You were such a presence in our family. You were a stronger male presence in the family.

Mom is having a hard time, and I mean how could you not she lost her son. You were only 38 years old, we are all trying to grasp that. The picture to the left is at Mom's house. It's what we have left to remember you by. We have pictures, and she has the flag that was on your casket. This just all is crazy, this does not feel like real life.

I hate that we have to figure out how to live, I hate that this is the life that we have to get used to. I have to be okay with the fact that there are things in life that we never had a chance to do together. I hate that. I hate it so fucking much. I hate having to talk in the past tense when it comes to you, I hate it. It is not fair that this if life.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason, but I cannot say that about this yet. There is no reason that at the age of 27 I had to watch my 38 year old brother be buried, what possible reason could there be. And what reason is there that I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye, or tell you how much you have meant to me in my life. It is just not fair. I do not wish disease on anyone, but hell at least their loved ones get a chance to say goodbye, the downside is that they have to watch them die, but at least they know how people feel about them. I am never going to know if you knew how much you meant to me. I mean we were never a touchy feely family.

Keith we need your guidance from above, we need to know where we go from here. We need to know the next step. I am trying so hard to do what I feel is right for our family, but at the end of the day I still miss you a lot. And there are nights when I cannot help the tears that roll down my face. I need my big brother. I can't call, I can't text, I can't facebook you.

I miss you a lot Keith Gregory and so do a lot of people. We are all trying to come to grasps with this. This was all so shocking. A little over three months is not enough time to mourn and grieve, at least for most of us. Each day is difficult. There are days I don't want to get out of bed, days I don't want to believe it is any day after September 24, 2011. That was the last morning that I woke up and all of my siblings were alive. When I woke up September 25, it was to the news that you were on your way to the hospital, and I now know that while your body was on the way to the hospital, you were already gone. They had already done all they could do to try to save you.

I cannot believe that this is reality even as I type this. This is all just craziness. This is life? What the hell? We are all so young, we were supposed to have years left. We were supposed to all four be there when we did so many things. There are so many events in life that we are all supposed to be there for. I still cannot grasp what my wedding is going to be like without you. I am no where near getting married, so don't worry. But I just don't know how that day is going to go. It is supposed to be this joyous day and I don't know how to have a joyous day while there is such an important person missing. There are going to be people there who are going to be sad. I still struggle with who is going to walk me down the aisle. I know Chris would, but I have always wanted him standing at the altar with my husband-to-be and be on your arm. It is how I have picture it for as long as I can remember. Then if I still want Chris there at the altar, who do I choose. I have thought of a few of your friends that could be your stand in, but then I just don't know. I mean I know I have time to think about all of this, but for me I have been playing my wedding for years, every last detail. Songs that will be danced to at the reception, with my siblings. I haven't been able to really think about any ideas for weddings since you passed away.

I don't understand how some people seem so over your death, they seem like life just goes on. I mean I know that I have to continue to live, but there is an undertone to every day. Well Keith I just miss you a lot, and I need your guidance of where do we go from here. I need to know what direction I need to follow, I to figure out what life means now. I am just a jumbled mess right now.

Love Always,

Yours Little Sister,

Nikki