So I pretend to be all brave and strong, and I try to keep it together. I also try to not cry and try not to breakdown, I know that you would want us to carry on. But Keith this fucking sucks, it sucks a lot. This is just not something I thought I would be dealing with at 27. I mean I figured that you would go before me, hell you were 11 years older than me. I get that being the younger sister by that much I'd have to stand at a podium and talk about you. But why the fuck did it have to happen now. You only fucking 38 years old. It's just not fair. I cannot seem to grasp this at all.
I have to say if you were going to have any type of aliment that would not allow you to do the things you loved, then this was they way you had to go. I could not stand watching you slowly become a man who didn't have a passion for life, if he couldn't fight fires or chase bad guys. But I can still be mad that I was robbed of so much stuff. One day I hope that this feeling dulls. I hope that I am not mad at the universe forever for robbing us of some pretty kick ass moments.
For now I'm done being brave all the time, I am gonna cry tonight, because I miss you so much. I miss you in ways I didn't know possible. I mean I didn't call nearly as much as I should have, I rarely had important reasons to call on you. But I liked knowing that you were just a phone call away. I liked knowing that my big brother could come in and save the day.
I did a lot of things to try and make you and everyone proud. I really tried to be the best me I could be to make you all proud. I mean you were this super hero who saved people's lives, and I just wanted to be as good a human being as you. You were always that super cool older brother, I always wanted to impress you.
Some of my fondest memories are stupid, but they are ours, and now mine. I remember this time that we were in your backyard on College Ave, you had a BBQ for your friends and you invited the family too. Mom and Aunt Jackie, they left and I stayed. I remember drinking and doing Jell-O shots. That was cool because I was drinking with my older brother. You see as much as you probably always seen me as a little kid, I also always saw you as super older and grown-up. I was of legal drinking age, so it wasn't like I couldn't drink, but to drink with you was like whoa. I remember one of your friends, saying but you can't drink and I was like umm yes I can, I'm 21 or 22 or whatever age I was. They were just as shocked, because I was all grown-up. Same thing happened at your wedding in the limo with the bridal party, you weren't there, but I remember RJ being shocked that I was 21.
Keith we were supposed to have more of those moments, we were supposed to have more memories. I'm so afraid that I am going to forget what you sound like and what you look like. I didn't have enough time to make the memories of you. I didn't know the last time I saw you was going to be the last. I didn't know the last time I heard you laugh was going to be the last. I loved your laugh. I loved telling a story and having you go into a laughing fit. Sometimes I tell a story with the family and I just wait for your laugh to start. It will never be a part of another story I tell.
I miss you a lot today. For no other reason than I miss you. I just want to wake up and this be the worst fucking nightmare ever, but it's not going to happen. I just want one more day with you, I want to be able to tell you how much I truly love you and how much you mean to me. I am so afraid you never knew just how much I loved you and still love you. Oh Keith this fucking sucks.
Love Always,
Nikki
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