This month really has me struggling with my decision to move so far away from home. I've been homesick because I just want to be with family and people that really understand what the last year has been like. Yesterday was by far the hardest day to be away. The entire family was together for the unveiling of your name on the Lancaster Country Public Service Memorial. It feels weird being the only one not there. I wanted to be there, but being almost 10 hours away driving straight through, I am a bit of a distance. I will make sure to visit the Memorial when I am home over Christmas. I still wish I could have been there with everyone.
Keith so many people are proud of you and miss you. We are just shy of one year and your loss is still so fresh and hurts. There are many people that can't seem to grasp this. I am one of them. I see a picture with you in and my heart aches because I just want to come home and be able to hear you razz me about anything. And Keith I just want to hear you laugh again. Every time I see your name etched in something it makes it more real.
I think Chris had the lesson this year on his birthday. He had no siblings with him on his birthday, which is probably a first for any of us. Other than times when we were off to doing something or other, but whenever the family got together to celebrate the birthday at least one of us was there for each other. This year I had already moved to Kentucky and had work and heather was at the beach. So he had no siblings with him for this birthday celebration.
We miss you in the simple ways, just your presence. I also missed this year getting a birthday card picked our by you. You always picked the best cards, we used to talk about that all the time. We knew when you were dating whoever you were dating or even once you were married that the lady in your life picked out the gifts more often than not for all the ladies in our family. But we knew that card it was hand picked by you. It was always funny, and you always laughed with us when we read it.
That laugh is probably what I miss most. I talk about that often, but I am serious when I say that. When I think of you I often think of any time you were in one of your laughing fits, to the point where you were laughing so hard we could barely hear you, and your eyes would water and then you would pinch the brim of your nose. Oh that laugh, what I would do to go back and just be able to hear that.
For so many years I wasn't sure what I believed as far as the afterlife. I knew that according to our religion I believed in Heaven. However, I never thought about it. While I have seen many people in my life pass away, I always pushed away that thought. Until you Keith, I have to believe in Heaven, I have to believe in an Afterlife. I have to believe that you are up there watching over all of us. I believe that I now have the best guardian angel up there. I don't care what anyone says, the fact that I have you looking out for me and for our entire family. I call us lucky. I know there are a lot of us, but keep a watch over us all.
I know as this year mark quickly approaches a lot of people are going to need you to be with them. Just make sure to make it here to Kentucky, because I'm not going to have everyone around me that day. It is going to be similar to the day I found out. I was alone in New Jersey, waking up to that first phone call from Mom telling me that something happened to you and that she was on the way to the hospital and would call with more details. And then hearing Lauren utter those words...all alone. Nothing felt better than coming home that day, but it already felt empty because you weren't there anymore.
I went to Aunt Jackie's and all I could do was look up the street to your house where you truck was supposed to be parked and hoping I would just see you run out the door to a fire call. No such luck, that day starting our new reality. I still do not have a grasp on it. But I wake up each day to try and make you as proud of me as I am of the man that you are. Keith even a year later there is such an impact that you make on the fire community in Lancaster, and you will for many many years.
Just know that I miss you very much Keith and that there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and wish that there was a way to erase this whole year.
Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki
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