memories

So I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a burn or a smokeout or been to some type of fire something. I have stood at the end of a live scene. Many things I have probably taken for granted in my years. Most people probably do not find significance if any of those things. However, every single time I see anything related to fire safety or anything that has a fire dept response I miss my brother more than anything. Keith used tog go to elementary schools with the smokeout house, where you crawl through the house as a live simulation of what it would be like to be in a house with fire. Fire safety is something that has forever been a part of my life, so I used to not take that seriously when I was a kid. It was a no brainer for me...in fact I remember the time that we had a fire in our house and it was filled with smoke and mom opened the backdoor to let it out. When I got home I was like really mom oxygen feeds fire.

Keith being a firefighter was something that was always a part of my life. He started running at like 14 or 15 years old, and that means I was 3 or 4. So literally almost every memory I have of Keith he was a firefighter and as he became older it was his life. He was passionate about it, and he loved what he did. It was always funny when we were over at Aunt Jackie's and we were all in the living room but Keith was up on the 3rd floor and we'd hear the scanner go off and it was just this familiar thing to hear him start his run down the stairs, putting shoes on as he ran out the door, and his keys were always sitting on top of the chair inside the door. Mom would yell for him to be careful and he'd be off.

I remember being at the fire house from time to time, and pictures of us in the fire trucks. We knew fire safety that was just our life. We knew no different. So now anytime I see something like the picture above it is like a bonding moment with Keith, because I know about that because of him. So yesterday I went to the live burn exercise that they have a truck that is set up like a residence hall room and they show how quickly it can burn.

It was really difficult not being at the ceremony on Tuesday with the entire family to remember Keith, but this was my way. I am not going to lie and say that it was easy to go to that burn. Keith was in a live burn drill when he passed away. Not nearly the same thing, but even just the title of it. And to feel that fire and smell that smoke, it was difficult. However, it was something I needed to do. It was something I did for me. I am stronger than I think some days. I am starting to realize though that I really need to allow myself to grieve. As I tell people about Keith, I try to keep my composure and I only let my eyes glisten, I do not allow myself to fully let go. I think in order to truly grieve I need to allow myself to show my emotion.

This week getting out of bed has been really difficult. I think because of the ceremony on Tuesday and just knowing that it is less than 2 weeks until the year mark. This morning was probably the most difficult and I blame it on exhaustion but really I got more than normal. I have to figure out what I am going to do on the 25th. I have a few ideas, but not sure. I am taking that day off of work because I would be helpful to no one.   My latest idea is to sleep in a little and then dress in my memorial shirt and go out and take pictures. Something Keith enjoyed doing, so maybe I can just walk around campus lost in my thoughts with my camera.

I still have time to decide...still wish I didn't have to think about it and this wasn't reality. However, I know that it is and that I have to learn to come to grasp with the fact that it is in fact reality.