A picture is worth a thousand words

It is funny I do not even remember the day this picture was taken. I know that Keith won a metal for Cross Country, but I couldn't tell you anything else about this day. Yet this picture means so much to me now. It is a photograph that clearly shows how much I loved my brother. I was holding onto his hand and so proud of what he did. I mean I was a ham as a child and probably enjoyed the fact that there was a lot of pictures being taken, and of course wanted to be in some of them.

Now this picture I can tell you I do not remember at all. I was I believe 4 days old, or at least that is what the back of the picture says. But look at the way I am looking up a Keith, it started early that I looked up to him and admired him. Now in reality Keith was probably pinching me and I was looking at him. You see Keith wanted another brother when I was born, so I am unsure at this point if he was still pissed off that I was a girl. None the less, I looked up to him from the beginning and it had more to do than just the fact that he was always taller than me.

I wish I had more distinct memories of Keith when we were growing up. It was difficult because by the time I really started remembering things as a child, Keith was already a teenager. I had a realization the other night, that for as long as I literally can remember Keith was a firefighter. He joined LTFD as a junior member in his early teens, and he is 11 years older than me, so by the time I started retaining memories he was already a firefighter.

Part of the reason I do not have distinct memories too though is because we grew up in separate houses. This fact never bothered me until recently, because while I remember Sunday dinners with Papa Dino's pizza, birthday parties, holidays and other family get togethers. It was rare that I ran downstairs and saw Keith watching TV or catch him talking on the phone to his girlfriend at the time. Some things that are so normal to some people, it was just never part of my life. It was always normal to me that we lived in two separate houses and yet our lives were intertwined.

However, the reason I think I found it difficult to talk to Keith as adult, is because we never really did growing up. Never just talked to talk. We were always at a party or get together or there were lots of people there. I remember always wanting to impress him because he was so cool and his friends were so cool. It is so funny to think about how I literally idolized him.

This picture now means a lot too, because this is the last picture I have of Keith and I together. I cropped out Chris and heather, to be able to have a picture with just us. He was always the shutterbug behind the camera so there are more pictures of others not him

Keith-

I hate how pictures are what I have now. Just pictures. I wish that I had something else of his. I am fairly crafty, so there is probably something I could come up with that would be awesome from just about anything of his that I could get my hands on. I know they still need to go through his room at Aunt Jackie's so I may be able to find something. But this is not how it should be. I should be able to call you, text you, see you, eat with you, laugh with you.

This time last year I could do those things. I was on the phone with Mom the other night and she said the same thing, this time last year she could call you. We all miss you so much, and while we are very aware that life goes on, we don't like this new normal. That when we are having a family meal we don't have to try and work it around your schedule. I can't believe that is is almost a year. Almost a full year without you. It's not fair. I still struggle with the why.

I have always been the person who finds the positive in everything, it is part of my charm. It is something that I turn everything around and find that silver lining in a shitty circumstance. Well this is one thing that I cannot even begin to try and find the silver lining. I mean the only positive I have been able to say is that if you would have had the heart attack and survived and been told that you couldn't fight fires anymore, well that would not have been a life you would have loved. You would have complained about having to lose weight and eat better, but that I think you could have been okay with at some point. Because all you would have had to learn is moderation. However, firefighting was your life. There is no way that living without doing that would make you happy.

Yes there are people that have gotten healthier because you were a wake up call for them. That is not a silver lining for me. Maybe for them, but not for me. I plan on getting healthy, but that is something that has always been in the plans. I mean I did try to get you to audition for the Biggest Loser with me. Well I may have joked about it, but I was serious. We would have been a hilarious team, and probably would have kicked ass. And made great TV in the process because we also probably would have yelled at each other. Like I could have seen you taking advantage of a Temptation Challenge and me yelling at you, and then you yelling at me for doing something dumb.

What I would give to have one of our heated disagreements...just because that would mean that you were still here. Most of all though I would give anything to hear your laugh. Those are the memories that I go to often, just remembering your laugh and the stories that came before it, or tickling Chris. Keith you are missed so much for so many reasons.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you and hug you. Something that I rarely did and wish I did more often, little did I know how precious time was. I miss you Keith. As always watch over us and protect us. This is going to be a difficult week, we are going to need to know that our guardian angel is right there with us.

Love Always,
Nikki