11 months ago today life was normal

Dear Keith-

So I have had something weighing heavily on me for 11 months now, and I think I need to get it off of my chest. I may have mentioned this before, but I need to say it again if I have because there is not a day that goes by that I do not have regret over one moment in time. You see the night before you passed away, I wrote on heather's facebook wall let her know that I missed her and told her that I loved her. Then I messaged Chris on facebook to tell him that him and Anne should come visit me in Jersey, in the message I told him that I loved him as I do any time I write a message or card or whatever.

That night what I did not do was contact you. I have regretted that for 11 months now, because 11 months ago today life was normal. You were still your pain in the butt self and our never perfect relationship didn't warrant me messaging you. I figured as our life normally was I would just see you at Thanksgiving when I came home. We were never the hang out type of siblings, we saw each other on holidays or family get-togethers. Or if either of us needed something. Like the times I house or dog sat for you. Little did I know that that night was the last time I could tell you that I loved you.

That is a heavy burden to carry. I try to put it in the back of my mind and say that you knew because we showed each other. You knew that I loved you. You knew that family was more important than anything. Our family fights and bickers, but we love just as deeply. We show our love. I never knew it when it was happening but when you would pick on me, that too was your way of showing love.

Life changes in an instant. I've known that my entire life, mainly because of what you did. Life is precious and we choose the way to live it. I know you lived your life loud and lived every moment. But I wonder if some of the things were worth leaving so early. I still struggle daily realizing that you are frozen at 38, I will never get to give you shit about turning 40. Hell you would have what almost 7 months to go. 11 months ago today, I still had every plan in the world about giving you hell when you turned 40. Little did I know that in 24 hours my life would be rocked in a way I could have never predicted.

I have never truly understood the impact a death can have on your life until you were gone. I have lost people, but never someone who has meant as much to me as you. Each day is truly difficult, and when I really sit down and let it sink in that you are really gone, it hurts like hell. And I am conflicted every single day because I want to be happy and Keith I am happy, so happy with my life decisions, but sad because you aren't here. I know you would have given me so much hell for moving to Kentucky, and I wish you were here to razz me on it.

How is life supposed to feel normal? I don't want to accept a life where it is normal for you not to be there. I know I have to, because I know we have to live on. We have to live on in your memory. Honestly, you passing away is one of the main reasons I finally did a national job search and not just talked about it. Life is short and I needed to shut up and put up. I needed to stop dreaming about a national job search but just do it. I did it and I really am happy where I am.

I know it is difficult on the family that I am down here. I am the first to move this far away. Hell you lived a stone's throw from Aunt Jackie's house, and even before that you lived close to Mom's house. And let's be serious it's not like those two houses are that far away either. I always describe our family as a move down the block family, and you really did that. Chris ventured to Lebanon, but his ties are in Lancaster and I can see him heading back that way. Still not that far away. I went the furthest away for college, but still only 2 hours, and same for grad school. But I needed to do this for me.

Each day is still part of the healing process. Each day is a new lesson. Each day is yet another without you, and it feels empty at times. Some days though I am utterly pissed off at you for not seeing a doctor or not stopping this. I can't believe that you just dropped over dead from a heart attack at 38. Keith you had so much life in you, and it was cut too damn short. We had so much left to do. I cannot believe that you and I never had a drink at a bar together. Most of all I cannot believe on my wedding day I won't be on your arm. That honestly is the hardest to grasp. Granted who the hell knows when I get married. Our family is a bunch of late bloomers when it comes to marriage, you were 33, Chris is past that and not married, I'm 28. We had so much to do, and you are gone. And just 11 months ago today, all of these things were possible.

I am going to try and let go of that guilt and regret over not messaging you in hopes that you know I have always loved you. And been proud to call you my big brother. Moving to a new place who didn't know me before you passed away, it has been difficult yet so rewarding to tell them about you. I love talking about you. Love talking about the guy who was my living hero. The guy who was a hero to many. The guy who touched so many lives. The guy who is gone far too soon. This next month is going to be really difficult to get through. So make sure to spend some time with us all, make sure to spend a lot of time with Mom. Watch over her and make sure she is grieving and healing and dealing.

Keith I miss you so much I do not even have the words to say it. I never knew how much I could miss you. You were just my annoying older brother who liked to put me in my place. We never were lovey dovey and I never claimed to be that. But I loved you more than I was ever able to tell you. And I miss you each day.

Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki