I have been struggling a lot...it's December already. That means we have had two calendar months that you weren't here for, October and November. And this is the last month of the last year you were here with us. Soon the calendar will turn to 2012 and we will begin a calendar year without you. I don't know how to grasp this. I am struggling a lot.
I broke down last night watching a TV show when someone died. And I cried because they had the chance to say goodbye, we didn't. You left us so damn quickly. I know you are still with us, but I wish I could have told you how much I loved you, how much you meant to me, and how much I was going to miss you. You were a damn good big brother, and I'm not sure I ever told you that.
I'm really beating myself up over the fact that I never was able to get the four of us together for a picture for mom. I wanted to do that thing in the newspaper for Mother's Day. I wanted mom to have an adult picture of all of us. Now the last picture she has is from your wedding and that was 5 years ago.
I don't think I am letting myself grieve. I am trying too hard to be strong. I'm sad most days and I struggle to want to even get out of bed. I miss you so much!
I love you big brother!!
Love Always,
Nikki
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