Keith-So it's November...which means we have lived an entire calendar month without you, October 2011 was the first month of the year without a day with you in it. It doesn't seem to have sunk in yet.
I am hitting the anger stage. First and foremost I am angry that you are gone, and still question on a daily basis why. But I am angry that we didn't get to do things together. I don't have nearly as many memories with you that I wish we'd of had.
I am trying to hold onto the memories I do have. The times as adults that we could just shoot the shit. Like when you came home from Jamaica two summers ago, and I was staying at your house to watch Bear. Your plane came in late, so instead of going home that night I spent the night on the couch and you took me home the next morning. I remember that for a little bit we were downstairs and just talking before you went up to bed. And hell that was the first time in a long ass time we spent the night in the same house. I can't remember the last Christmas that all four kids slept in the house.
I'm angry that we don't have more times like that. I'm angry that we were all robbed of many years together. This is just not fair. You were supposed to make it past 38 years old. I always gave you shit about being old, and I remember saying recently that you were inching closer to 40. I wanted to give you a hard time when you turned 40. It's one of the pleasures I get being younger. We would have never been the same decade. I'll be 29 when you should be 40.
As we are getting closer and closer to Thanksgiving, I am getting more and more anxious. I don't know what it is going to be like. Over the years there have been family meals that you have missed because of work, so it is not like it will be the first Thanksgiving ever that you are not there. But it will be the first one that you are gone. So how is it going to feel? What is it going to be like? I mean I know you will be there in spirit because you are forever a piece of all of us who will be sitting at that table.
No one can sit in your spot, I won't allow it. I don't care how silly it may look that there is a complete end of the table that no one is sitting at. I know as the years go on, your spot will need to be taken, because as heather and I begin to bring someone home there are going to be more people at the table. This year I think Anne will be there, I'm so glad you were able to meet her this summer. I know that will have a lot of meaning for Chris. I think Chris found his person, and I'm so happy for him. And so happy that you were able to meet her. I'm still sad that you will never meet the guy I bring home. I've never introduced any guy to the family, I was waiting and now he won't get a chance to meet everyone.
I still can't grasp that there are going to be many months without you in them. I miss you so much more than I ever thought possible. I still feel empty. Every time I look up at the night sky and see a bright star, I know you are with me.
Love Always,
Your Little Sister,
Nikki
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