Today was difficult

Keith-

Today was so difficult. Being home in Lancaster is so difficult. It is so much more real here. And people want to talk about you here, which something I don't have back in Jersey. People will listen, but it is different to have a conversation. When I am around people that knew you, it is conversation, we both talk about you. It's not just me telling them about you.

I have to get used to telling people about you, one day I will need to really sit down and tell my future husband about you and my future children about their Uncle Keith. But it is different then just telling my friends about you. I do, and I talk about you all the time. I just like being able to talk to people who knew you. I like telling stories, but I also like hearing stories.

It is hard though talking about you sometimes, and sometimes people want to talk about that day and the week honoring you. Those are the difficult times to talk about, because it is then that the world changed for me. It is so hard to believe it was seven weeks ago today I got that phone call. That day is such a blur yet the memory is burned into my mind. That is an oxymoron, I know...but it is how it is. The blur is just the time part I think. But I remember getting the phone calls, I remember being in bed when I got them. I remember the events that happened until I was able to get on a train home. I remember getting on the wrong train because my ticket said 4:something and there was a train in front of me, so I got on. I ended up on a train going to Washington rather than a train to Lancaster. I remember it all. I remember the hugs from Chris, heather, Mom, Aunt Jackie. I remember talking with Chris and heather in the backyard. It is just hard to talk about it all over again.

Those are not the memories I want to focus on. I want to focus on the way you laughed so hard, or the times we tickled Chris so much we thought he would pee his pants. I want to remember the day you brought my fish to class and saved the day. I want to memories of you alive, so that I can keep you alive in my heart. I will forever remember the celebration of your life and the impact you had on this community. You were a humble man, and you would have told everyone to stop making such a fuss. But Keith, you earned that fuss. Every last person who showed their respects, wanted to be there for you. They wanted to thank you for your service. Some people didn't even know you, but they were impacted by your service.

Do you know how many children you taught about fire safety with the smoke house? Those children remember heroes like you. Or how many people you helped in your over 2o years of service with the fire dept? You mattered Keith. You mattered to a lot of people, and there was so much love. I will forever remember walking behind your casket out the door of the funeral home and seeing the sea of people saluting you. That moment took my breath away. You mattered Keith.

Visiting you over in the cemetery was difficult today. It also makes it so real. I remember that day when I go over. And just the line of cars. The sea of people. The flag draped over your casket. I can't believe that when I want to visit you that is where I have to go. I can't see you anymore. I can't hear you anymore. This is so damn hard Keith. So damn hard. I wish I was home more, so that I could visit more, and so that I could talk with people who loved you more.

Keith watch over us all, the coming weeks are going to be some of the most difficult. We have the holidays coming, those are going to be tough on all of us. We will laugh, we will cry, but most of all we will remember you. You are forever a part of this family. Your memory will stay alive with us through our unending love for you.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman