Trying to keep your memory positive

Keith-

For most of my life, the one thing I knew about you, was that you were a firefighter. You loved what you did. I can remember you making comments about not graduating when we all talk about our graduations, but I hope you know that what you did mattered. You were successful, you were skilled, you were respected, you were loved. You were such a humble man and all of the honors you keep getting, you are probably up there going "guys I didn't do what I did for this."

Well tough shit big brother, you mattered and we are only honoring you in the way that your service should be honored. This is really difficult on all of us. There isn't a specific path we are supposed to travel with this, this is new territory. Everyone is taking this hard, it just doesn't make sense. Seeing men cry in the way that they are, just shows me how much you meant to all of these guys.

I am doing everything I can to keep your memory positive. I do not want negative stuff surrounding your memory. I don't want us to have ill thoughts, I want us to celebrate and remember your life. You meant a lot to us. I know I didn't tell you nearly enough, but you meant a lot to me Keith. More than I think I could ever express, we were never really the lovey dovey type. The last time I can remember hugging you was Christmas two years ago.

This is so difficult. I'm trying to be strong, but there are days I just want to curl up in bed and just cry. I want to stay in bed because maybe if I sleep enough, I'll wake up and this will all be a nightmare. I'll wake up to you being here on earth.

Some people are having a really hard time coming to grasp with the fact that you are really gone. So I ask for you to watch over them. Spend extra time with them and guide them down a positive path. Make sure that nothing negative happens because of this. Make sure that we keep your memory positive. I don't want your passing to be the reason anyone does anything they will regret. I am trying to be the fixer and keep things together. I am trying really hard. I am trying to be strong.

I am not good at asking for help, but spend some time with me too. I need your guiding hand to stay strong. I need you more than I ever knew I did. I need your presence in my life. I won't have the physical presence, but I need to know you are still here with me. I am one of the people some days that am having issues coming to grasp with this.

It is hard for me because I only face reality here in Lancaster. It doesn't feel real in Jersey, it feels like I'm living in a haze there. I still feel empty every day. There will always be a place in my life for you, and I promise to carry your memory on. I tell everyone who will listen about you. You were an amazing man, and I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you that. A regret I will have to live with, but I hope you know now. I have to believe that you do.

I love you so much Keith, and I will always love you. You will always be my big brother, and you will always be important. There is no forgetting you, your memory will live on, I promise you this. Rest easy big brother, I hope you are finding peace.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki