Keith-

Today...well yesterday technically, but I haven't slept yet, so I feel it to be today...was the church's All Saints service. I wish I could have been there, to hear the bell rung for you. To remember you. I'm still waiting for you to just tell me this was a big cruel joke and that you aren't really gone. You are really gone...I can't seem to grasp that.

My heart aches so much when it hits me that you are really gone. Thanksgiving is getting closer...and you aren't going to be there. This isn't ever going to be easy. I know life must go on, and I know that I must live my life to the fullest, and I want to make you proud of me. I just don't know how that is supposed to happen.

I plan on spending some time at the cemetery when I come home next weekend. I need to spend some time there and just remember and think. I need your guidance. I need to know how to move forward. It just doesn't seem possible. We are all talking about Christmas and how that is supposed to happen. I have no Christmas spirit, my only Christmas wish isn't able to be fulfilled. Santa can't throw you in a bag and bring you back.

I'm not sure what I believe in the super natural. I struggle with it, because for a long time I just chose not to think about it, because then it wasn't real. I never paid much attention to things. Part of me wants to believe in it, and part of me doesn't. But the more I think about it, I sort of do believe in it. I feel like you knew I needed someone in my life to rely on because I was an utter mess that week at home. And I still believe that it was your guiding hand that brought my love back to me, and gave us hope of a future. I felt it again today. Today being the All Saint Remembrance, you made sure that I got to talk to him for a good hunk of the day. You knew what I needed to make it through the day.

For now that is all I can really grasp as far as the supernatural. I still think I see you in the sky when I see a beautiful sunrise, sunset, or cloud. I see you in the brightest star in the sky. I feel you, I believe you are with me. I just don't know how much more than that I can grasp. Hell until seven weeks ago, I wasn't sure what I believed in the afterlife. Now I have to believe it is truly there. I need to know you are some place, where you are happy and watching over us. You were always watching over us, you just have a different view.

This is all so damn difficult. I wish there were answers. I have always been one to figure out why for things, and I can't even begin to understand this. I miss you, so much. I wish we could go back and just be closer. I wish we knew that we had limited time. I wish more than anything, that you were still here. Still here to be a pain in the ass and poke fun at me.

Love Always,

Your Little Sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman