I hate this

Keith-

so I hate this shit! I have been trying so hard to handle and maintain my anger, but I hate this! I hate everything about all of this. There is so much freaking drama and I hate that. I'm not supposed to be allowed to grieve, I'm not supposed to miss you. You know what screw everyone else. I know for a fact that you loved us, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I miss you so freaking much.

The other night mom called me because she was having an issue with facebook, for some reason her account wasn't available. I know that I usually know a lot about facebook, but I didn't know what to do, I tried to help. I almost caught myself going, just call Keith he probably knows. I know it seems like I miss you when I need something, but that is how we showed love in our family. We expressed it through actions.

I don't just miss you though during those times, I miss you all the time. I miss knowing I can call my big brother to save the day. And I am really feeling the pain in my relationship. Knowing that you won't be able to meet him, and I won't be able to see you grill him in the way I know you would have. I struggle even thinking about getting married. Part of me is so happy that I found the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And part of me is sad that you won't be there for any of it. We were talking about future kids last night, and I got sad thinking about how I am going to have to tell them about you. They will never get to meet their Uncle Keith. I will have to tell them of the amazing man and hero you were. I have saved everything I can that has been published about you, so that one day I can tell them about you. Let them know their Uncle Keith, who may never actually meet them, but who loves them so much. I know from above you will look over and love my future family. I feel your love every day.

It still doesn't seem real some days and I have this anger coming up. I'm pissed! This wasn't supposed to happen, you were supposed to live a hell of a lot longer. You were supposed to be there at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, My graduation, all the birthdays...and that is just in the next year! Not to mention the years you were supposed to be here. This fucking sucks! I hate this. I hate that you are gone.

heather and I are going to go get tattoos soon. I hate that what I am going to have to remember you is only pictures, memories and a tattoo. That is it. I miss your laugh. Your laugh was one of the best laughs ever. I remember hearing it so much this summer at Aunt Jackie's birthday dinner. We laughed hard, and it reminded me of the many times we'd tickle Chris and sometimes I think you were about to pee your pants from tickling him. No one can take those memories away. We have fun as siblings, as much as we could with the age gap. And I love that I have all of those memories. You will always be my big brother. I still hate that you are gone though!

Love your little sister,

Nikki

Photo Credit: Greg Leaman