Keith-
I still feel like when I go home for Thanksgiving you are going to be there. It doesn't seem real. I'll be the first to admit that we didn't see each other that often or talk as often as we probably should have. But what some people are failing to remember is one there was an 11 year age gap. We obviously were not going to be best friends. At least not yet in life, we all just got settled as adults. Also the thing that is forgotten is that as much as I didn't see you, you didn't see me either. Yet I know if the roles were reversed, you'd be broken up too. It's not like you'd be like damn she was a good sister, okay that's it now on with life. Your life would be different too. It's not a day to day life, and I have claimed it to be that. I get so frustrated being told how I am supposed to feel and how I am supposed to act.
I also think for a lot of people our family was too complex for them to understand. We've been through a lot of shit together, a lot of shit. It hasn't been easy. There were reasons why this was this way or that way. At the bottom of all of that shit though was our family bond. I know for a fact that I could have called you whenever and you would have been there. You probably would have given me shit, but you would have been there.
I am so glad to have the memory of Aunt Jackie's birthday dinner this year. We were all sitting around the table and just telling stories, sharing memories, drinking wine, and just laughing. I remember hearing us all laugh so hard. For a long time I'd felt like you were different, and in those moments, you were the same prankster Big Brother who glues pennies together for me to break. I felt like we were just settling into those adult roles, and I was looking forward to more family meals together and doing that over and over again. Unfortunately, I only had my birthday BBQ, because I missed Chris' birthday BBQ. I would do anything to have been able to have your BBQ chicken that one last time. I missed it because I was at work, and I hate that I missed it. At my birthday I remember heather saying that she couldn't wait until all of us had someone around the table. We were just setting up for our adult life as siblings. It's not fair, that's all we got. Those couple meals.
I never really thought about our similarities, I also thought we were so different. At times we didn't get along very well. Like the Thanksgiving I spent on the porch because you decided to educate me on the definition of ghetto, since I decided to use it as slang. I was so angry that year. I laugh at it now. But as I look back at things, we were all similar and that is probably why we bucked heads so much. Chris and I were the hot headed ones all the time, heather and you were more laid-back, but all of us stubborn. Now I look at times and realize that those similarities are there.
Look at what we all chose for our career paths, we all decided on a helping profession...on different levels of course. I am not sure I would ever be able to run into a burning building. Although I would probably surprise myself. There are things I do on a daily basis that I wouldn't normally think I could do.
I have been back at school and I look at what I do and I think you would have gotten a kick out of what I do for a living. While not many people understand what I do, and I don't fault anyone on that. Most people think I am an RA, it's not what I do. I supervise the RAs and make sure the building is still standing every day. This weekend I was dealing with a situation and I thought you would have gotten a kick out of it. I mean I am standing in my hallway with 1 uniform and 2 detectives. I saw someone cuffed and hauled away. I see a bunch of shit when I have to go on a hospital run with students. I really think if I were to have shared stories of what I do, you would have literally gotten a kick out of it. And would have seen how some aspects of our lives were similar.
The security guards at the hospital on the weekend after midnight shift are like family to me, I see them like once a week. I was in there the night before you died and had a crazy situation and the one security guard reminded me of how you would have acted...and wouldn't you know I found out his name is Keith. He saw me last weekend and was like hey it's been awhile, I've been missing you. It's just funny. The cops are the same way, when I see them at incidents, they know me. While I don't do what you did, and don't think I'd be good at it. And you saw much more than I see on a daily basis, but some of the stuff I start to think Keith would have gotten a kick out of this.
Same as I was just watching Campus PD and Cops, and I thought the same thing...Keith would have laughed at this idiot. I know that I didn't see you every day, but I think of you often. In fact some of my staff finds it quite eerie that I was showing them pics of my family and for some reason you just a couple days before you died. You meant a lot of me, and maybe I wasn't able to say it or show it enough while you were here. I know you knew. I know that you knew I loved you, and I know you loved me. And I know that you were proud of me, I just hope you knew how proud of you I was and am. You touched a lot of lives, and I am amazed every day at the amount of lives you touched. You were a special man, and I am so thankful that I got to call you my big brother. And NO ONE can take that from me. You were my big brother for 27 years and I was blessed to have had that, I just wished it would have been longer.
I love you Keith and I miss you so much.
Love Your Little Sister,
Nikki
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