Rough Day

Keith-

I try so hard to be strong. I put on a strong face in public, I fall apart behind closed doors. I spend time in bed thinking that maybe if I stay there long enough, that call I got 4 weeks ago tomorrow morning, will go away. That was simply the worst wake up call I have ever gotten in my life. Thank God Mom called me first to tell me you were on your way to the ER...but I thought you were burned. Never in my wildest dreams when that phone rang again, did I expect to hear the news that you didn't make it. They tried all they could do and you never came back to us. I didn't even know who told me in the moment, now I know...but then I had no idea. I just couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. I know that the moments of that phone call will never be changed, but I secretly hope they will. Today as I was laying in bed, I swear I felt a hand on my shoulder...and I choose to believe it was you. You were telling me it is going to be okay. I don't know how it is going to be okay, but if you are telling me that it is going to be okay...then I must believe it.

I have never wanted my big brother as much as I have in the last month. I guess they are right when they say, you never know what you have until you lose it. I didn't know I only had 27 years to spend with you, if I knew that I would have jammed packed it with more time together. I thought we had many years to come. I feel like we were all robbed, not just you...all of us. We were robbed of some of the best years of our lives. I know we can't change anything but I do feel like we were just getting closer. I feel like times were changing...and I am so pissed that it's over before it even started.

The night you passed away I said to heather and Chris, that we had to make a pact, that no matter what we stay close. Family is everything. We may have been through a lot of shit, and we may have had moments where we didn't like each other very much. But in the end we are all we have. Family is the foundation. That is why I lost it that one night that week. It felt as if our family was falling apart...and I refused to let that be your memory. I know how much family has always meant to you, and I refused to let it fall apart in that moment.

I have always felt like my roll in the family was the fixer. Take this summer for example. We had that argument over where to have Mom's birthday. You wanted in your backyard because you just finished your deck, and Aunt Jackie wanted it in her backyard because she just finished her backyard. And Aunt Jackie's role in our family has always been the meeting place for family meals and birthdays. I feel like she felt like she was losing that. As we all are, you two were so damn stubborn, and we weren't going to have Mom's birthday at all.

I fought to fix it, because Mom was afraid it was the last year we would be together, because I plan on moving next summer. Little did we know that it was literally the last birthday where we would ever be together all of us. I am so glad that I fought so hard to make sure it was in your backyard. Without my fight, we would have never had that last BBQ in your backyard. You wouldn't have had the family over for a meal one last time. I am so glad I was able to fix that one.

However, I don't know how to fix this one. I don't think there is a way to fix it. There is a gaping hole now in our family. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I just want my big brother back. I know that isn't logical. And I know that you are with me every day. I just can't believe I will never hear your laugh again. I'm afraid of forgetting your voice, your laugh and your face.

I'm feeling lost today. I heard the other night there was falling stars, wish I would have been up to see them. They said they were literally just shooting off one after another...made me think that maybe you were up there enjoying a firing range.

Love your little sister,

Nikki