Why?

Dear Keith,

I still ponder the question why? It doesn't make sense, not at all...I don't get it. I don't get why this had to happen. I have some many damn questions and there are no answers. This sucks so bad, I don't want this to be real life. I want to wake up and have you make fun of me, or have something smart to say. I want to hear your laugh and see your smirk. I'm afraid that I will forget your face. I'm afraid of what our family life means without you. Why did this have to happen? I don't understand this at all. It doesn't feel real. With all the questions also comes regret, I regret not calling you or texting you more often. I regret the fact that I was in Lancaster all summer and I barely saw you. I lost all of that time I could have hung out. I don't get it...I still have no answers to all the questions. I can't sleep at night because I am thinking about everything, is there answers? were there signs?

I feel this emptiness in my heart, and it upsets me. It upsets me that people don't understand, they think that life should just move on. I'm sorry, my big brother will never be replaced. I can't just pick up and move on. I miss you. It is a sadness I cannot even begin to put words to. I know that life has to move on, and I know you would have it no other way. I know you don't want us wasting our lives being sad. I know you want us to live full lives. But there is a sadness behind it all. I will one day be the girl who smiles from ear to ear all the time, and who's laugh you can hear from miles away. But for now, I smile some and laugh some, but I have this sadness. I can't just snap it off. There will be something always missing, but one day I will find a way to carry you with a smile on my face. Now I smile at memories and laughing at the silliness that was us.

There is an inbalance among the siblings. There are three, that is so freaking weird. So weird. I don't like the way it sounds, and I don't like the way it is. I love Chris and heather, and all of our awesomeness. But it just sounds weird that it is just the three of us. When we talk about getting together, it is no longer Keith, Chris, Nikki and Heather. That is just weird. When we check for times for holidays, we no longer have to call you and ask about times. That is weird, and it just makes me sad. It doesn't feel complete. Life isn't complete.

Why are you gone? Why now? Why? I don't get it. I just don't understand. I wish I had a better understanding, if there was a reason.

I miss you big brother. Rest easy, until I write again!

Love your little sister,
Nikki